CREMATION OPTIONS

“I know the things I am supposed to do to take care of myself during grief,” said Susan Bryant and experienced hospice and healthcare chaplain in Atlanta who has accompanied many people on their journey through grief after a loved one’s death. But Susan’s knowledge about grief clashed with her experience as she faced the sudden and unexpected death of her mother.”I know I need to exercise, but I feel exhausted,” she said. “I know I need to eat nutritious food, but I have no appetite.I’m left with the need to be gently with myself and must develop a language of kindness for myself saying “It’s OK.I’ll take this journey in my own way and my own time.”Susan found that she could not push herself through grief as if paddling against the current but instead allowed herself to graciously accept the ebb and flow of her energy and emotions.You can give yourself the same gentle treatment as you work through your grief.

Working Your Way Through

We who are grieving can feel certain expectations to move through grief at a certain pace and in certain ways.Many of our friends and family will begin to act as if life should be “back to normal” within weeks or months following a death.They may say things like, “Come on pull yourself together,” or “everything’s going to be alright.”While your friends mean to be supportive don’t be harsh with yourself if you are not doing it their way.This grief is yours and you will experience it in your own way.Finding ways to gently care for yourself through the pain and loneliness that grief brings will be one of the most important parts of your healing.

Review Your Expectations

Beyond your close inner circle of friends and family others may not understand how much you are grieving.The pressures of productivity and accomplishment may cause you to feel the need to push yourself to meet deadlines at work or to keep up with all the activities of family and friends.You will gradually return to a normal routine and full energy but until then review your schedule periodically.Being gentle with yourself might mean temporarily reprioritizing your goals with your employer or talking with your family about cutting back on activities for a few months.Give yourself permission to reschedule an appointment or ask for an extension on a project so you do not overextend your mind or body.I personally believe we should have a kind of “serenity prayer” for those who grieve that encourages us both to engage grief and accept our limitations: “Gold grant me the strength to keep moving when I can the grace to sit down and rest when I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Quiet Any Inner Voices Of Judgment

Being gentle with yourself often means taming some of your inner voices especially if you set high expectations for yourself.You may hear yourself saying, I should be finished with all of the details of the estate or I ought to feel better by now.Seldom do I advocate talking to yourself but here I make an exception.Quiet these voices by saying to yourself, “take it easy; take your time; don’t be too hard on yourself, because you have been through a difficult time.”With grief there are no timekeepers and no final exams to make sure we get it right.Relax and breathe deeply.As Susan learned to do, develop a language of gentle kindness for yourself.

Look For The Small Things That Feel Good To You

At a time when you might wonder if you will ever feel good again it is important to seek out even small things that feel good to you.Think of these as ways to pamper yourself.Enjoy a hot soothing bath or sit quietly while you burn your favorite scented candle.Take an extra vacation day from work or read a novel.Sit and enjoy flowers in a garden, listen to your favorite music, or take a mountain walk.Find a space or activity that encourages you to feel a sense of calm even if only for a few minutes.You may find that activities that previously brought you much joy and satisfaction have only become painful reminders of your loved one.Be open to different kinds of moments that are just for you bringing even the tiniest bit of relief in otherwise stormy grief.

Remember To Care For Your Body

Grief is expressed physically as well as emotionally so it’s important to listen to what your body tells you.When fatigue sets in your body signaling you to take it easy.You might sleep longer on some days, go to bed earlier, or even nap during midday.These are temporary changes in your routine give your body the rest it needs and allows time for healing.Illness and infection are quite common during grief because your resistance is not quite the same as before.Take extra special care of yourself during these times, and If you live alone ask a friend to look in on you.Try to maintain good nutrition.While not pushing yourself too hard, look for opportunities when you have the stamina for exercise.Even a short walk can be a way to care for yourself.

Care For Your Soul

Seek the teachings from your faith that are gently with grief.Find comfort in the book of Psalms where writers poured out their deepest emotions and also found encouragement that god would hear them.Every faith includes teachings about bringing your cares before god.”Come to me all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens and I will give you rest,” from the Christian tradition lets us know we can sit at god’s feet and rest.When you feel angry with god let god know this part of your grief without judging whether your feelings are good or bad.Express all that you feel and then allow time during your prayers to seek god’s gentle comfort and healing.Your first inclination may be to pray, “God get me through this quickly; take this grief away from me,” in reality the only grief that passes quickly is one that responds to an insignificant loss.Instead ask the gentle, nurturing side of god to walk with you and grant you peace.Imagine the mothering arms of god rocking you gently in comfort.

Experience The Rhythm Of Nature

I believe in the gentle healing ability of simply being in nature.The movement of water through a stream reminds us of how life can ebb and flow.A sunset and sunrise reminds us of the greeting and the good-bye contained in each day and offers hope for another day to come-a day when grief will not be so overwhelming.A walk in the woods offers encounters with life at its most basic, as birds fly and trees sway in the wind and can instill in us the sense that we can survive the winter of grief.Nature can help us feel we are not alone and that there is more to life yet to be lived.Being in nature may remind you that you are created, offering you hope that god will create something new in your life even as you walk through grief.

Take Heart

Kind and tender are the words the dictionary uses to describe what it means to be gentle.Imagine a time when you felt kindness and tenderness toward the loved one you now grieve.Seek to offer that same kindness and tenderness to your body, mind and spirit and you will journey along the gentle path of healing.There is a traditional African proverb: “Gentle character it is which enables the rope of life to stay unbroken in one’s hand.”Your own gentleness toward your time of grief will keep you from feeling broken down by your pain and suffering.Being gentle with yourself while grieving tills the ground of your heart for seeds of hope that will one day break forth into new life.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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“One day you feel together and the next couldn’t be worse.It come and goes-the shock, denial, anger, guilt, depression, emptiness and aching arms.I crave privacy yet I can’t tolerate being alone.I often feel angry that society doesn’t seem to accept any grieving that takes more than six weeks…The pain subsides only to come flooding back again.At times I even relish it-after all it is part of my baby, Jasmine.”"Mary would have been our seventh child.She died in utero.I had to carry her within me for 10 days before labor could be induced and she was finally born-ever so still.I never knew pain could be so terrible, last so long, and yet not be physical.”These are the voices of parents of some of the many thousands of children who are stillborn, who die as newborns, or who succumb to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome each year.These tragic deaths leave parents with shattered dreams, empty arms, disbelief and deep pain.They are left with many difficult decisions and many unanswered questions.

Working Your Way Through

The death of an infant child is one of the most painful occurrences life can bring.If you or someone you love is experiencing this pain, please know that you are not alone in your grief.Those who contributed their personal stories and insights to this carenote have also experienced the death of a baby.They join their hearts with yours in your sorrow, and offer their strength and hope as well.

Accept Your Feelings—Whatever They Are

You may have feelings that seem ugly and shocking to you-rage, guilt, envy, self pity.These feelings are valid and need to be recognized.Do not judge yourself harshly because of them; having them does not mean you are emotionally unstable.Cry freely and don’t apologize for your tears;tears are healthy.If you have other children, be open with them about your feelings.Your children are grieving too and need to express their feelings.Because you may not be able right now to give your children the emotional support they need, you may want to ask a close family member or friend to help out.Anger is also a common and normal response yet it may be unacceptable to witness.Try to find healthy ways to express your anger-though talking or writing about it, or through physical activity.Your anger may be directed toward god.You may feel that your faith has weakened as you now question previously strong beliefs.Tell god how you feel.God will listen and walk with you through this darkness.Expressing your doubts and feelings puts you in dialogue with god and opens the channels through which god’s healing life can flow.

Give Voice To Your Feelings

The best way to help yourself through grief is to talk with others who understand and to let them know your need for support.You may have found that the responses of family and friends aren’t always in tune with your feelings.Friends and relatives often try to protect a grieving mother by not talking about the baby; and they frequently ignore a father’s grief.They may avoid you altogether for fear of upsetting you.Or they may say things that seem inappropriate or even cruel-that you should forget your baby, for example and “get on” with your life.Certainly you need to keep life going as best you can but it is impossible for you to forget your baby.Talk about your baby and your feelings.You and your spouse will have a lot to say to each other and to any good listeners.Don’t be surprised if your partner reacts and grieves differently.Even in the closet of relationships, every experience is unique to each person.Strive to be patient and gentle with each other.Guard against putting expectations on your partner and others.Sometimes it will be hard to be sensitive to each other’s feelings because you yourself are hurting so badly.Remember how very precious your relationship is and shelter that closeness.Help each other to express feelings by talking, crying, or being supportive in any other way you can.

Locate A Support Group In Your Area

Many bereaved parents feel most comfortable sharing their feelings within a support group, where there is a common bond, “we were hesitant to join a group,” said a member of one grieving couple, “but we would have done well to have come sooner.”A support group can be a place of comfort, strength and hope for you.It provides a safe environment for you to work through your feelings about your infant’s death.You will not be pressured to talk.Parents share when and what they can.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Grief affects your eating and sleeping habits, your energy level, and your ability to concentrate.A balanced diet, adequate fluids, moderate physical exercise, and sufficient rest are especially important during the mourning period.See your physician if you have disturbing physical symptoms.Avoid the use of alcohol as a means of coping.Alcohol and sedatives will cloud your thinking and slow down your bereavement process.Use prescribed medications sparingly and only under supervision. It’s best to delay major decisions-such as changing jobs, moving to a new home or planning another pregnancy-for at least one year.Grief takes a big enough toll on your system without any additional stresses, and it may also affect your judgment.

Say Good Bye In Your Own Way And Time

At some point down the line a ritual to commemorate your lost child-perhaps one held within your faith community or among close friends-may provide closure for you and accomplish some important purposes.It would recognize your baby’s uniqueness to god; recognize the life and death of your baby as a significant loss; bring together caring persons and give others the opportunity to express their support; and make the baby a reality for those who did not know him or her.You may also find comfort in keepsake remembrances as you work through your grief.Pictures, a lock of hair, crib cards, the baby’s blanket or clothes, the birth certificate and other remembrances give you something tangible to hold onto.Others may not understand this need for something that you can see, touch and hold.Do keep your baby’s clothes and other reminders until you are ready to decide what to do with them.

Take Heart

As you give yourself time to grieve, you will eventually find that the periods of sadness occur farther and farther apart, even though your baby will always have a special place in your heart and memory.There will be times such as holidays and birthdays when the sadness will seem as sharp as fresh grief, but there will also be times when your heart will feel free and strong.Don’t deny yourself the pleasures or happiness that may begin to reappear in your life.To laugh and be happy does not mean you have forgotten about your baby.As one bereaved parent wrote, “you need not fear this grief will always be as intense as it is now.You will survive and you will have other good things in your life.The memory of this time will become a part of your life with which you can live and cope.”And perhaps someday you will be able to give strength and support to other parents who are experiencing a loss similar to your own.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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The serenity prayer a simple prayer of uncertain origins has long been a source of strength and guidance for people from all walks of life, particularly those troubled by addiction.The prayer captures the delicate balance we all face as we engage life and its challenges while accepting our limitations: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Working Your Way Through

Following my father’s death these were days when it was hard to know whether I was feeling sorry for myself or plodding through the quicksand of grief as best I could.There were days I longed for someone to tell me how to get through the grief.But when someone would suggest it was time I “move along” I wondered why they didn’t understand that I just needed time to grieve.One of the most difficult aspects of my grief was finding the balance between pushing myself to go on with life’s activities and allowing myself to rest and postpone activities or decisions when needed.What I needed was a sort of Serenity Prayer for grievers.The prayer you find in large type in the center of this carenote is meant to be just that.It is offered with the hope that it can bring strength as you seek support from others and from god, while also paying attention to your own responsibility to be a part of your healing.It is really three prayers in one.Each one is a step in the process of healing from grief.

God Grant Me The Strength To Keep Moving When I Can

In so many aspects of your life following the death of a loved one, you will face the questions about moving through the journey of grief.When is it time to go back to work?When is it time to give away many of her belongings?When is it time to start socializing?When will I stop sleeping so much?When will I stop crying?You may wonder when you will feel the energy to cook again or exercise again or make new friends.In reality there are times when we should not push ourselves too hard and then times when we need to ourselves to take the steps that will lead to our healing.Your prayer to god for strength to keep moving signals your hope that you will find your way through your days of pain.One of the risks of grief is that your pain may feel so great you can’t bear to go out with friends or return to a normal work routine.Many fear that if they let go of the pain they will let go of their final link to their loved one.While in the midst of grieving your goal should always be movement toward new ways of living and feeling that once again make you happy.Asking god in your prayer to grant you strength to keep moving includes even the simple things-going to the grocery store, preparing a meal, or having the car repaired when it would be easier to rely on your neighbor.Early in grief to keep moving may be as basic as getting up in the morning rather than lying in bed in a mood of despair.Your prayer is a reminder of your own responsibility in your healing process to nurture and care for yourself, to seek courage to believe in yourself and to seek the strength to rise up and walk into life again.There is some wisdom in the old adage that god helps those who help themselves.Sometimes a lack of willingness to begin participating in life’s activities can result from a growing fear of establishing a new life or routine for yourself without your loved one.Try not to allow an ongoing sense that you are not finished grieving yet to shelter you from the change and challenges or from the possibilities, growth and new relationships that will bring you comfort and healing.Even while grieving ask god to help you ease back into life.”God grant me the strength to keep moving when I can, the grace to rest when I need to, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

God Grant Me The Grace To Rest When I Need To

The other risk during a time of grief is that we can so deeply want to move beyond the pain that we throw ourselves into constant activity saying yes to any invitation to go out, turning down any offers for help, working long hours, or pouring our energy into some harmful addiction-all in an attempt to either hide the pain or keep friends from worrying.In the midst of frantic business, grievers can lose the insight to know when their bodies and spirits are tired and need to rest.In this prayer your invitation for god to offer you grace is a reminder to yourself that you can take time and set your own pace for your grief.Grace for you is time to make decisions, time to cry and to remember and time to rest and allow your body and spirit to heal.Rest takes different forms for different people-from a walk in the park to an afternoon nap to a visit to the beach.Explore and learn what helps you feel rested.Grace is the gift of a restful reprieve where you can lower your expectations of yourself and simply wait.Wait for the darkest hour of the night to pass.Wait for a ray of light to break through-a new day for hope, healing and being able to once again get moving.

God Grant Me The Wisdom To Know The Difference

When delicate questions begin to arise about whether you might be pushing yourself too hard to move through your grief or not pushing yourself hard enough, the wisdom to know the difference is an important aspect of your healing.I believe finding the wisdom to balance out choices comes from listening-to our self, to trusted others, and to god.Trust your own wisdom to help you know how to pace yourself during grief.If you begin asking yourself, “am I trying to do too much quickly?”Then your own inner wisdom might be trying to find a voice.If you wonder, “have I been sleeping (or eating or drinking) too much for too long?Then once again your inner wisdom may be reaching out to help you.During grief wisdom also comes from others we trust, particularly ones who have grieved themselves.Seek out a friend or colleague who has walked the path of grief you now walk, and ask them to listen.If it feels difficult to ask a friend to do this call a bereavement counselor, chaplain or pastor in your area and ask them if they know someone who can be a supportive peer.In many communities there are peer support groups and a network of resources for persons who are grieving.Don’t try to do it alone.With a trusted friend who has grieved you can ask, “Do I need to sell the house this quickly?”With a peer who understands can hear them urge you to begin to move on when the time is right.Our own soul also has a way of confronting us either when we become too lethargic or when we drown ourselves in activity.Nurturing your faith and staying in touch with yourself and god through prayer is one way of allowing the voice of your soul to break through and bring you wisdom for your way to healing.The psalms of scripture offer many words written by those in the depths of grief.They cry out for the wisdom of god and then feeling alone no longer take one more step back into an active engaged life.

Take Heart

Reflecting on his own father’s death author Frederick Buechner writes in his book listening to your life, “I can speak with some assurance only of how god was present in that dark time for me in the sense that I was not destroyed by it but came out of it with scars that I hear to this day to be sure but also somehow the wiser and the stronger for it….I learned something about how even tragedy can be a means of grace that I might never have come to any other way.”Grief is a journey with many winding turns and detours.But it’s a journey of grace if we trust our inner wisdom, the wisdom of others and the courage that our faith can instill in us.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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You hovered over the crib to check the rise and fall of an infant’s chest. You held your breath when the bicycle first rounded the corner and disappeared.You fretted over violated curfews and the smell of cigarettes of alcohol.Finally you breathed a sigh of relief because the focus of all your worries had safely reached adulthood.And then the unthinkable happened. An accident, an act of violence, a terrible illness struck and the person you nurtured through the perils of childhood is dead.

Working Your Way Through

“Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!”So wept King David of Israel when news of his adult son’s death reached him (2 Samuel 18:33).So have grieving parents wept through the ages.You are not supposed to outlive your child.At the root of the overwhelming pain you feel lies the conviction that you, not your child, should have died first.

Expect Slow-Very Slow-Healing

Grown up kids are a special delight.Overnight defiant teens turn into likable adults.Many of them leave home, get jobs, go away to school, start families of their own.The hurts you may have inflicted on one another during the growing up years often begin to yield to new appreciations.You can enjoy the opportunity to come together in a new way in an adult relationship-in short to become friends.Death shatters that unfolding relationship.This time your son or daughter is really gone.And so is what was supposed to live on after your death; the heritage you passed on, the mannerisms and the values your offspring picked up from you.Not even death can change the fact that your child whether born of you own flesh or made yours through adoption an nurture, is past of you.You invested much of your treasure-financial, emotional, spiritual -in this person, and you cannot recover from such a loss overnight.Recovery will take years-and in a sense you will never fully recover.One woman whose daughter died seven years ago puts it this way:”My nephew lost a leg 20 years ago.At 43 he lives a full and active life without it, even though he limps a bit when he is tired, even though he still feels pain.Losing my daughter has been like that for me.At first I couldn’t bear to put my feet on the floor in the morning.It still hurts.Sometimes the pain is sharp; sometimes I limp quite badly.But I go on.Sometimes I even run or dance.”

Find Support Wherever You Can

“No one knows how I feel” is the common complaint of grieving parents.And it’s true: no one does.Neither did you until the day death took your son or daughter.Such a loss is beyond the reach of a parent’s imagination.We can go so far, and then our minds shut down in the face of the unthinkable.Some of your friends-the same people whose presence was such a comfort at the funeral-may well begin to avoid you as though you carried the plague.They may grow uncomfortable if you mention your child’s name.They don’t always understand your need to keep the memories alive.Some will be so afraid of making you cry that they won’t let you cry.Neither can you necessarily count on your family-not even your spouse, if you are married.However tightly you may have clung to one another at the time of death, each of you mourns a different person.Your son’s relationship with his mom was not the same as with his dad.Your daughter was dear to her siblings in varying degrees and for various reasons.Each of you will handle your sorrow in a uniquely personal way.One of you may need to talk, the other to be alone; one to cry, the other to rage.Some people find great comfort in their religious traditions; others can only shake a fist at god.Your spouse may crash on the day you feel up to an outing.Old sibling rivalries may surface among remaining children, if there are any as they begin to wonder if you care whether they’re still around.And no one knows what to do with an approaching holiday.Support groups for grieving parents can offer comfort.Your church community may be able to like you with someone else who has been through a similar loss. Most grief therapists will adjust their fees to meet your budget, although finding one with whom you are truly comfortable may take some shopping around.Finding support requires a lot of effort at a time when putting your shoes on in the morning seems effort enough for one day.But in the long run it is well worth the work.The support can be a lifeline.

Claim Your Heritage

From the moment you began to anticipate your child’s arrival, you dreamed of all you would share with him or her.Now it is your turn to be on the receiving end.Your son or daughter has left a heritage for you-everything his or her life meant.The people your daughter or son may have added to your life, such as friends, a spouse, or children, are a very important bequest.You will want to keep as close as possible to those who possess this bank of shared memories.To lose a relationship with your child’s closet friend or life partner would only double your tragedy.Nurture the ties with care.At the same time allow your child’s loved ones the freedom to get on with life in their own way-even when that is hard for you to do.When Dottie attended her daughter-in-law’s second wedding she wept throughout the ceremony.”It was the hardest thing I’ve done since we buried our son,” she admits.”But it would be harder to lose her, too.”The new husband eyed her warily at first, but now Dottie is an extra grandma to the couple’s toddler.If your child had children these grandchildren are a precious legacy as well.Not only do you need them to keep your place in the chain of generations, they also need you to keep them in touch with their roots.No one else can tell them about dad’s childhood interests or when mom’s sense of humor first emerged.No one else remembers their ancestors or what life was like in the “olden days.”Find a way to touch others’ lives with the legacy of love your daughter or son left you.Some parents adopt their child’s interests.Harold and June began a scholarship fund for gifted music students at their son’s high school with memorial gifts.Cathy coordinates the schedule of volunteer reading tutors in the school where her daughter taught.Sam devotes his spare time to training young volunteers at the local science museum, his son’s favorite haunt.Death as well as life can give you new direction.When someone asked Mario to collect donations for the American Cancer Society in his neighborhood his first response was bitter.Why should he help someone else live when the disease killed his daughter?But he’s now an area coordinator Latoya is active in MADD (mothers against drunk driving) founded by a woman whose daughter, like Latoya’s was killed by a drunk driver.Susan whose won was shot in a holdup, works for handgun control.

Take Heart

You buried a part of yourself with your daughter or son, and the loss will ache for a very long time.Nonetheless your adult child will always be a part of you, living in your memories and in your heart.Better than any of the people who offer you the cliché,’ you know that the value of a life cannot be measured in years.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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Cremation Options memory writes on every page of the calendar—here a birthday, there a holiday, further on a wedding date.In the wake of death, those precious days bear a bitter sweet tinge, a pang that the celebrations they mark will never be repeated with someone you have loved.Most of those dates are warned by tender recollections; some are written darker than the rest.Whether this is your first turn around the calendar—or one of many—since your loss, these dates loom dark on the horizon.Tears that you thought were behind you swell again, and with them comes a terrible loneliness.

Working Your Way Through

These days will not be wished away, even if you pull the covers over your head and wait for the sun to set.And perhaps nothing you can do will make them easy.But you can meet these milestones head-on and make them into a bridge stretching toward a brighter tomorrow.Begin by planning a departure from your usual activities.Take the dreaded day off work, if you can.No use pretending that this day is like any other; it isn’t.Don’t let anyone—yourself included—accuse you of “wallowing” in grief.Taking time to lean into your sorrow is facing reality.

Reach Out

Choose your company for the day.Don’t wait for someone to remember.Your grief easily slips out of mind—even within the closet circle of family and friends.Start dropping reminders when the day’s approach first begins to haunt you.Don’t assume that the best company is those with whom you have always spent that day.You might be more comfortable with someone who has been in your shoes.Don’t hesitate to present your need and ask for companionship.Claim the offers of “anything I can do” which were so generously made when your loss occurred.Be specific: say that you want someone to drive you the cemetery, that you want company for shopping or lunch, that you want a shoulder you can cry on, or even that you want someone to help you think of some way to mark the day.Don’t forget to tap the support of your faith-community.In the Jewish tradition, bereaved families light a 24 hour candle on the anniversary of a death and recite prayers of remembrance at the synagogue service.Roman Catholics mark special days with a Mass.  Both practices reflect a centuries-old wisdom, rallying the support of the believing community.Whatever your faith-tradition, ask for prayers.One family asked an understanding minister to lead them in a prayer of healing for both living and dead a year after a member committed suicide.(The next year they planned a lakeside weekend together and surprised themselves by having a good time.)Others simply ask to be remembered in the Sunday worship service.To pray for someone is to stand with that person in god’s presence, and is therefore a powerful way of being with another—even with someone who has passed through death’s door.

Look Back

Claim your memories, those bits of history which have made you who you are.Someone once observed that “memory is the power to gather roses in winter.”Clip your bouquet.Get out the scrapbook and the love letters; line up the gifts and souvenirs you cherish.Call to mind all the joys and struggles which shaped this interrupted relationship.“The holiest of all holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; the secret anniversaries of the heart.”Write a new obituary one which contains all the personal details you wouldn’t have entrusted to the newspaper even had there been room.Include a physical description: the color of eyes and hair, the way her nose crinkled when she laughed, the shape of this hands.Add the qualities which were important to you, the way your relationship began and developed.Admit your regrets.If you are haunted by a bit of unfinished business—an unresolved quarrel cut short by death, words of love and appreciation left unspoken—say what you need to say to some formal way by writing a letter or by expressing your feelings to a valued friend.Mourn the dead dreams: the hope of seeing a child grown, celebrating a milestone anniversary, enjoying a peaceful retirement together.Claim your grief.Give yourself permission to cry as much as you need to.Relive once more the illness or accident which precipitated your loss.(“Listen to the story once more” may well be what you need to ask of your chosen companions.)Recapture the feelings which swept over you at the time of death.Recall too the signs of care which surrounded you in those difficult first days.Reread the cards and notes, the visitors book.Feel again the warm hugs the gently pressure of others’ hands in yours, the sight of friends gathered to grieve and to pray with you.Survey your journey through the calendar so far, with all its ups and downs.Take stock of how far you have come, of the unexpected strengths you have found within yourself.Harriet Sarnoff Schiff author of the Bereaved Parent, assures her readers over and over again that they have already done the most difficult thing imaginable; survived their child’s funeral.Congratulate yourself for coming as far as you have, for getting out of bed on the days when that seemed impossible, for learning to manage the everyday stuff of life without someone who once was part of life’s daily structure.

Look Forward

Close at least one small door on the past.Make a conscious act of forgiveness to someone: the love who abandoned you, the killer, the doctor who didn’t diagnose soon enough.Clean a closet even if all you can do is rearrange it.Create a new holiday ritual.Go out for Thanksgiving dinner instead of fixing the turkey yourself.Replace the big tree with a small one trimmed with bows instead of getting out the ornaments.Mark a birthday by giving just one thing which belonged to the person you mourn to someone who will cherish it.Celebrate today’s joys.Count the blessings you have, especially the people who grace your life with love.Ask yourself which of those relationships need attention, to whom you need to express your affection while there is still time.Mark your calendar to make a friendly phone call or extend an invitation.Plan just one thing for the future.Think big if you can: a change of job, a special vacation trip, redecorating the house.Or think small.Promise yourself lunch with a friend next week; get a book you have wanted to read from the library, rearrange the living room furniture.Dream of being whole and happy.Imagine yourself facing life with confidence.

Take Heart

However unimaginable such wholeness may seem it is the end toward which grief’s journey leads.Time they say heals all wounds.There is some truth in that, leave a broken bone alone and it will mend.But only a fool hopes that time alone will make an unset bone straight and strong.In the same way time alone heals grief without bringing wholeness. The turns through the calendar mark the passage of time: one year, two years, 10.But time works its magic only when it is used well.Writing of her own sorrow a the kidnapping and murder of her firstborn in the introduction to Hour of Gold, Hour of Lead,Anne Morrow Lindbergh speaks of the need to make room for pain.“The inexorably difficult thing in life, and particularly in suffering is to face the truth.”On the days special in your memory, face the truth of your sorrow and the truth of the healing which has already begun.And believe the promise Jesus of Nazareth spoke: “Blessed are you who are now weeping, for you will laugh.”

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