CREMATION OPTIONS

My mother, lying in a darkened hospital room, was close to death.  But as she reached for my hand and looked at me intently, she was fully aware that her youngest daughter was at her side.  “Judy is it raining?” she asked.  “No mom it’s beautiful outside-and it’s even more beautiful where you are going,” I answered as confidently as I could despite the tears in my eyes and the quiver in my voice.  She was almost ready to begin her journey home to God.  “Will you be my partner?”  she asked, her fingers still wrapped around my hand.  Before I could assure her that I would stay with her as long as I could, she was dead.  The woman who had given me birth, nurtured me from infancy to adulthood, taught me how to pray and read and cross the street, and protected me from harm was gone.  I had been a long, agonizing 14 months watching my mother go from stubbornly insisting she could continue to line on her own to needing more and more care as a series of small strokes, and finally cancer, took her mind and body.  My family and I had been on a forced march, trying to do our best but never feeling adequate to the task.  But with my mother’s death, memories of the months of exhaustion, fear, self-doubt, second guessing-and, yes complaining.  “When will all this end?”-instantly vanished.  I had experienced the death of love ones before, but never did it hurt like this.  I was almost 44 years old, but I felt orphaned .

Working Your Way Through

Ironically, our society shows very little understanding about the unique paid of losing a mother or father, even though close to 12 million Americans bury a parent annually.  What a powerful support group we could be if we were organized!  Perhaps the following strategies will be a support as you cope with a parent’s death.

Remember, You Have Every Reason To Grieve

A parent’s death often leaves adult children with a sense of abandonment and even panic that catches us by surprise.  But why are we caught off guard when the death of the “ma-ma” or “da-da” whose name we struggled to utter as tiny tots leaves us reeling or depressed or sleepless?  We may have lived enough years to be an adult but we still always be a child in relation to our parents.  Even if we find ourselves “parenting our parents” before their deaths, it is the parent of our youth and childhood that we bury.  And, as author R. Scott Sullender says in Losses in Later Life, “The world is a different place after our parents die.”  Seldom are we, as adults, ready for a parent’s death.  We may be busy building our carets or raising our families; we may be spending our free time traveling or seeking to settle down; we may be living close by or a continent away from our parents.  Whatever the circumstances, it is virtually impossible to prepare ourselves emotionally for the loss.  Well-meaning friends and others may seek to console us by saying “Your mother live a long, full like” or “Your dad was suffering so much-surely it’s a blessing.”  But those phrases ring hollow when it is our beloved mother or our dear dad who lies in the casket.  Even if we experience a strong sense of relief mixed with our grief, the sorrow is very deep and very real.  “No matter what the age of the parent or how the death occurred, the pain for the surviving adult child can be devastating.”

Find Ways To Cry And Talk

Take advantage of opportunities to share your grief as long as you feel the need.  More than likely, many family members will be comfortable hearing you talk about your deceased parent.  Friends, especially those who have not experienced a parent’s death, may be more inclined to ask, for example, how you did is doing since your mother’s death than about how you are coping.  But use this as an opening to express your feelings.  And if friends don’t raise the issue at all, introduce it yourself.  Good friends don’t mean to be insensitive; they may need a little reminder that you still want and need to talk.  If your eyes get watery, so be it; if tears roll down your cheeks, it’s a sure sign they need to be shed!  You can talk about your deceased parent even with those who didn’t know your mother or father.  When it’s June and your chatting with your neighbor about this year’s garden, recall how your mother welcomed the arrival of the month that also brought with it her treasured roses.  When your father’s favorite baseball player dies and the player’s name comes up in conversation with a co-worker, suggest that he and your dad surely will have a lot to talk about in heaven.  Finally, talk to your parent.  Visits to the cemetery can be a great time for a one-way heartfelt conversation.  When you look in the mirror and the gray streaks in your hair seem to make you look more and more like your mother, tell her so.  When you are sick, thank your parent for the special care he or she always gave you in times of illness.  Just saying aloud the words “Mom” and “Dad” (or whatever name you used) is remarkably consoling and healing!

Forgive Yourself For Being Human

Few of us have had trouble-free relationships with our parents.  We may look back with pain at harsh words that were spoken, deep rifts that were left untended, missed opportunities to express love.  This uneasiness can be fertile ground for immobilizing guilt after a parent dies and the opportunity for reconciling is lost.  But we can be confident that out deceased parent forgives us and, indeed, recognizes his or her role in the situation as well.  We must also forgive ourselves for our imperfect efforts to be responsive as our parent aged, became more dependent, and placed greater expectations upon us.  Geographical distance may have made it unrealistic to be the support a parent wanted.  Necessary and appropriate limits on our time may have been an issue.  Emotionally, we may not have been able to handle the demands made on us-switching roles with a parent, for instance, or making the extremely difficult decision to place a mother or a father in a nursing home.  Once again, we can be consoled that our deceased parent understands and forgives us.

Grow From Your Experience With This Tragedy

If you have buried one or both parents, use the experience as a lesson in life.  Father Leo Missine, a professor or gerontology, reminds us that the more we are involved with our own aged parents, the more we are preparing for our own aging.  Learn from the experience of losing a parent how to approach your own aging process in a healthy way, how to rely on friends and family for support in times of crisis, how to be a better companion in life as well as death, how to express your love for the special people in your life.  We can turn the losses we have sustained into gains.  We can use them as tools to help us grow in our understanding of self and our sensitivity to others.

Take Heart

We do not need the wisdom of philosophers or books to tell us that we cannot go home again, that nothing will ever be the same after losing a parent.  Mom or Dad will not be there to applaud our adult accomplishments or offer direction at critical crossroads, to worry about us when we are ill or telephone “just to say hello.”  The dynamics and the history of our family are irrevocable changed.  So are we.  We now move to center stage and leave our mark on the world.  But we do not move forward alone.  We bring along with us a rich store of treasures from our childhood and adulthood-hard learned lessons and principles, fond and painful memories, family celebrations and traditions.  We bring who we are, thanks to the love, nurturing, and guidance we received in our formative years from the parent(s) whose presence we now miss.  Our life has not lost its meaning; indeed, it has taken on new meaning as we bury part of our past and write a new chapter in our lives.  And, believing in God’s promise of a life hereafter, we can look forward to a heavenly family reunion.  I was never able to assure my mother that I would accompany her on the final leg of her journey home.  But I as continue the second half of my life’s journey, I can feel the power of her presence.  She is my partner!

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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One of the most pain-filled letters I ever received came from a young mother whose first born child had died of AIDS.  She was overwhelmed with the depth of this loss.  It was doubly crushing blow to her since she did not know she was a carrier of the disease until her daughter was born.  The letter poured out of her anguish and despair.  She felt, she said as if God had abandoned her at a time when she most needed this Loving Presence.  She even thought of taking her life, so deep was he desolation.  As I read her letter, I sensed a deep desire in her to walk with God even though she found no comfort when she tried to pray.  Over and over she pleaded for some insight, some direction, on how to relate to God during her time of darkness.  The painful emotions described in that letter haunt many human hearts caught up in grief and loss.  The negative feelings we have during such times are natural.  Yet they bewilder us because we do not expect or accept them as a part of the experience.  We want to rid ourselves of the unpleasant feelings as quickly as possible, but grief takes time.  We must recognize our feelings of loss and learn to live with them for a time as best we can.

Working Your Way Through

Faith questions naturally arise during these agonizing times.  How can I walk with God when God seems to have forgotten all about me?  How can I pray when I hurt so much?  What do I do when the ways that I used to pray don’t work for me?  When we feel engulfed by such questions, there are some helps to which we can turn.

Picture God On Your Side

The way we picture God has much to do with the way we walk with God during our time of loss.  It is helpful to picture God as being on our side rather than against us or responsible for our suffering.  Harold Kushner tells us in When Bad Things Happen to Good People that God does not send suffering to us; rather, suffering and loss are a result of the human condition.  Picturing God as One who is on our side is a strong biblical image.  God will never abandon us or forget us.  God has great compassion for us, yearning for our peace and joy.  Many writers see God as suffering with us, walking the road of our grief, having infinite concern for us.  As we pray during our time of grief, we can picture God sitting by our side, looking upon us with much love, or walking with us listening to our story of sorrow.

Trust In God’s Nearness And Goodness

When we are grieving a significant loss, our world can seem bleak and dark.  We may feel that God does not care or doubt that God even exists.  Grief is a time to trust that God is very close, even though our feelings say otherwise.  When we are depressed and all we can think about is our sadness, it helps to call on our good memories.  We recall people and events that have brought us happiness.  These memories assure us that God does love us very much even though we are missed in gloom at the present time.  Good memories also have a way of helping us to trust in the future, when other times of happiness will come our way.  Because our inner vision is usually quite blurred when we are filled with painful emotions, we can easily miss the good things that are a part of each day in the present.  At the end of each day no matter how miserable it may have been, we can find at least one thing we can be grateful for.  We may want to write this down each evening and to look at our “gratitude list” when we are feeling particularly discouraged.

Pray Your Pain

If we feel sad and empty, these feelings will naturally affect our prayer.  We cannot separate ourselves from our bodies or our emotions when we pray.  We need to accept the fact that we probably will not have a sense of God’s presence for a while.  God understands this and loves us in our humanness.  As we grieve our loss, it helps to deliberately pray our pain, to cry out to God, to express our anger.  Writing a letter to God, telling God how we feel can help us to experience being “heard” by God.  We can also write a letter from God to us, noting what God would want to say to us at this time of loss.  We may also need to find other forms of prayer for a while.  If we are restless, we could go for a long walk or listen to music.  If our mind is constantly filled with remembrances of the loss, we could quietly repeat a scripture verse or formal prayer.  If we are overwhelmed with sadness, we may find that just sitting with empty hands held open is the only prayer that we can pray.  As we do so, we say our open hands that we trust God to fill our lives with strength enough for another day.

Look For God In Unexpected Ways

We tend to look for God in certain familiar ways.  Consequently, e may think God is absent, yet God is there in ways we may not have noticed.  It may be the kindness of someone who writes us a letter for makes a phone call to see how we are.  It could be the beauty of the stars on a night when we cannot sleep.  A friend of mine who was in great paid from cancer told me that during her many sleepless nights she would hear the first birdsong in the dawn,  When this happened, it would lift her heart and bring he a deep sense of closeness to God.  Another woman who was in much grief told me how she looked out her window one day and saw a spider spinning a web.   The threads were wet with dew and sparkled in the sunlight.  As she gazed on this intricate wonder, she saw her own life woven into God’s heart.  This insight filled her with peace for the first time in many months.

Make Time For Solitude

As difficult as it may be to take quiet time for ourselves and to be in solitude, we need to do so.  We may feel terribly restless or lonely and want to run from the paid or keep ourselves very busy.  But solitude is essential and necessary for our growth.  In our solitude we are like a seed buried in the darkness of the earth, all alone and waiting.  It seems as though nothing is happening, but quiet growth is taking place.  A day will come when a new green shoot will come forth from the earth.  A day will come when we will discover new growth, a gradual return of peace and happiness.

Be Gentle, Be Patient

We are in a hurry to heal, but we must be patient with ourselves.  We must look for courage, resiliency and hope in the lives of others, noticing how they have made it through their difficult journeys.  If one of these persons lives nearby, we can ask that person to tell us his or her story of loss and growth.  Finding a local support group can also ease our pain.  We can hear in the lives of others some of our own experiences of grief.  This, too, will encourage us to be patient as we grieve.  Sometimes we expect so much of ourselves until we realize that the road we walk is alone one for other people as well.

Take Heart

When the people of the Exodus were wandering in the wilderness, they often complained that God was far from them.  Yet God was as close to them as their next breath.  And God constantly reassured them of this nearness.  The Exodus people eventually did find a new place of freedom and peace.  The same is true for us.  Through it all, God is keeping vigil over us just as God did with the Exodus community in the wilderness.  It is the kind of vigil that a parent keeps with an ailing child or the night watch one keeps while waiting for a loved one to come home.  Etty Hillisum experienced the great loss of her family and friends’ deaths in concentration camps.  She walked through years of war and suffering.  Amid it all, she never gave up.  One day she wrote in her diary:  “There will always be a small patch of sky above, and there will always be enough space to fold two hands in prayer.  Etty Hillisum hold on tightly to God in her difficult times.  We need to do the same, leaning on God, believing in this compassionate Presence with us.  God will, indeed stay with us on our road to restored peace and joy.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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One evening my father, in the throes of a long bout with respiratory illness, experienced severe weakness and shortness of breath.  I net him at the hospital door to hear him say “Just look at me; I don’t know if I am going to make it.”  His own words highlighted the deepening reality that his death was drawing closer.  Several days later, as I stood by his bedside in intensive care and watched his blood pressure drop.  I knew his death was no longer in the future.  He was dying now; and I said I love you for one last time.

Working Your Way Through

Preparing for the death of a loved one is a journey in a delicate tension between hope that our loved one will not doe and a growing feeling that they may not recover from an illness or accident.  Our society still encourages us to avoid thinking and talking about death.  We are bombarded with constant images that with the right car, the right facial cream, or the right medications we can always feel young and energetic.  Deep down, we know it’s not true-we all will face our death and the death of those we love.  When someone you love is confronted with illness or injury for which there is no expected recovery, there is no way to fully prepare yourself for their death.  As with any kind of grief, there is no set of steps to prepare for loss.  Nonetheless, moving honestly and openly toward the death of the one you love will not only help you prepare, but invite your loved one into intimate and meaningful conversation about their life and their dying.

Be Open To Images That Spark Your Grief

I have often heard a family member cry out at a time of a difficult diagnosis such as cancer.  “We are going to make it through this.”  I don’t know what I would do without him.”  With those words, preparation for the possibility of death has already begun with the imagination of living without someone.  Though your initial impulse might be to push them away, images of being separated from your loved one are an important doorway to your anticipation of grief.  As a chaplain, I visited with a woman who remained with her sick husband day and night in the hospital and found it difficult to go home and rest.  One day when she did go home, she was over whelmed with the image that he would never walk in the house with her again.  When your loved one is ill, you may begin to have thoughts about climbing in bed alone, sitting at a dinner table alone, or calling the phone number to talk to your friend and hearing no answer.  These what if’s are your mind’s way of preparing you for a day in the future when you will say good-bye to your loved one.  Images of being without your loved one stir feelings of grief and the anticipation of loneliness.  You may feel hesitant to show grief before a loved one dies, fearing it will signal that you have given up.  Remember that any grief you begin to feel is a sign of your deep love for your friend or family member-a sign that you will miss them terribly.  There is no need to pretend everything is all right when you are sad or afraid.

Talk With Your Loved One About What Is Ahead

Today there are many medical options for ongoing treatment, as well as treatment for pain, when someone is dying.  As a caregiver you may be faced with many emotional questions regarding treatment, such as whether your loved one should go on a ventilator or have a feeding tube inserted.  Talk with your loved one about their desires and how aggressively they want to be treated.  When you make these kinds of decisions together you are preparing for a more peaceful death for your loved one, and you are not left alone with difficult decisions that might lead you to questions or guilt later.  Knowing you are following your loved one’s wishes brings you comfort.  “Just as the womb takes in and gives forth again, so the grave takes in and will give forth again.”  When all avenues for treatment have been exhausted, illness-the inability of the body to fight infection and disease-causes death.  Talking about dying does not make it happen.  In fact, talking about dying can even be a source of hope and satisfaction for your loved one as they live their remaining days.  Conversation about death may begin with simple phrases, as the one who is ill says something like, “You know I won’t always be here.  Remember, my important papers are in the safe deposit box at the bank”.   Such words open a door for conversation about the time when the two of you will be separated by death.  Resist the urge to gloss this over with words like; “Now, you know you will be fine”.  Instead, hear them as invitations to move more deeply into the intimate conversation that can surround dying.  When you are given the gift of time for conversation, move toward it.

Talk With Health Professionals

In today’s world of advanced medical technology, knowing for sure whether and when someone is dying is often difficult.  Even with a terminal diagnosis, treatment options are often offered.  From my years of ministry as a hospital chaplain, I constantly encountered people who did not understand that their loved one was dying, even though that was the feeling of the medical team.  Sometimes it’s just as hard for medical professionals to discuss death, for they too, do not want to give up.  Have open and honest discussions with the attending physicians and nurses.  If you are uncertain about what to expect, ask, “Do you believe my husband is dying?”  Or, “Will you let me know when you think my mother is close to death?”  Or, “What will I see as her death gets closer?”  Some of your questions do have answers to help you prepare for the days ahead and calm your fear of the unknown.

Care For Yourself While Caring For Your Loved One

Caring for another, especially if the required care is physically tiring, can be very stressful.  For some, providing for their loved one’s physical care is very important and becomes a tangible sign of their love and commitment.  For others, providing physical care is too much to manage.  You might find that receiving assistance with physical care, such as baths and feeding, will give you greater emotional energy to be with your loved one.  Hospice care in many communities provides excellent care of the dying, as well as support for your family.  Know your limitations and work support from friends and family so that you can be available in the ways that are most meaningful for you and your loved one.  Seek the listening ear of friends in your faith community who will be open to your sadness.  Be open about your uncertainty and let them see you don’t know what the outcome will be.  Draw comfort from your faith.  While life on this earth is not without pain and suffering, God promised never to leave us without comfort.  Call on God and you community of faith to walk with you during this time.

Focus Your Energy On What’s Most Important

Knowing your loved one will die creates a sudden and vivid shift of your own priorities.  When faced with losing a lifelong companion or a parent or child, our understanding of what’s important in life can shift dramatically.   Too often the dying become isolated, with even doctors and nurses visiting less frequently as death approaches.  Even in difficult deaths where one suffers, being present to rub their forehead with a cool cloth can be meaningful for you and for them.  Dr. Ira Byock, a family practice physician specializing in care for the dying, and author of Dying Well, tells his family’s story of growth during his father’s death from pancreatic cancer.  “His illness allowed us, I could say forced us, to talk about the things that mattered; family, our relationships with one another, our shared past, and the unknown future.  We reminisced about good times and bad, we cried, and we laughed.  We apologized for a host of transgressions, and we granted, and were granted forgiveness.”  Sharing memories and feelings is a way of preparation for you both, and will be a source of comfort for you later.

Take Heart

Our hearts and our minds have a way of gradually opening up, first to the possibility that a loved one might die, then to an acceptance that they will die, and then finally to the knowledge that the time is now.  When time does allow you preparation, you can watch your loved one take their last breath knowing you have given him or her the gift of living with them through their dying.  The words that form on our lips when we walk this boundary between this life and the next with someone we love can instill us with courage, mend our hearts, and deepen our most beloved relationships.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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“Why do those stupid birds keep singing?  What’s wrong with the people in those cars all around me-they act as if this were a regular day!  Have these people in my office completely forgotten the tears and sincere condolences they were offering me only days ago?  Now they are talking as though nothing has happened.  Some are actually laughing.  They act as if today should be business a usual.  Have they forgotten that the world has ended?  Can’t they see this red-hot sword that is obviously lodged in my chest?”

Working Your Way Through

One of the hardest parts of surviving a major life trauma is keeping your grief in perspective.  When someone-who was a major part of your reason for living-goes away, it is crystal clear to you that your world will never be the same again.  And it is easy to become irritated and even to lash out at anyone around you who fails to recognize and observe this obvious end of normalcy.  Though you might like to discover some magic potion or hear some words of wisdom that could take away the pain the calendar brings you with such regularity, it’s not going to happen.  The depth of the pain you are enduring for the one you have lost reveals the great depth of your love.  Your grief is you eloquent tribute.  The pain of your loss will never go away, but with time you will be blessed with longer spaces of peach between the moments of pain.  And although your life will never be the same again, it is possible to find the perspective and patience that will enable you to let the world celebrate-and in some cases you may even find solace and expression of your grief in those times of celebration.

Surviving The Party Hats

If we are slow to “find our feet again” in the day-to-day world, it is not surprising that we can really be thrown off balance when the world decides to celebrate a holiday.  We can suffer overwhelming pain an anxiety when the people around us decide to break out the party hats and celebrate one of their traditional holidays.  The warm sentiments and family togetherness of Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Valentine’s Day can bring back the pain of separation and the inevitable guilt that always seems to accompany human loss.  One father. Whose son had been killed in a tragic accident, said to me, “if it were left up to me, we would just skip from right before Thanksgiving until right after New Year’s.  I would be a lot better off without all the turkey trimmings, jingle bells and Christmas cheer.”  And it’s not just the public celebrations that hurt a grieving heart.  A family’s own special days can be equally crushing.  Birthdays and anniversaries keep coming around every year even though the celebrant is no longer with us to blow out the candles.  Dates of death or divorce can become unavoidable milestones we have to “get through” year after year.  One of the hardest things for my wife, Kay and me after our two sons died in an accident, was that our boys’ friends and contemporaries kept celebrating the happy milestones of life-graduations, weddings, parenthood.  We were often invited to their celebrations.  We often went.  We smiled, gave presents and extended our congratulations, but inside we were dying all over again.  Each happy event reminded us that Tim and Don would not be celebrating any of those same milestones.

The World Goes On

The way you deal with a life trauma is usually an extension of the way you deal with life.  If you normally have a healthy understanding that “every person is the center of his or her own world,: you can probable keep a realistic perspective as you slog through your grief.  You can do your long-term grief work without expecting everyone else to continue their vigils beyond a reasonable time.  “Painful as it is, you have to accept that the world is bigger than you and your sorrow.  In fact, draw comfort from the fact that life does go on even in the face of your great loss.”  One thing that helped Kay and me to keep some measure of perspective when our boys died was the fact that, shortly before the boys accident we had grieved with some close friends who had also suffered the sudden deaths of children.  Because we had experienced the helplessness-because we had wanted so much to help-and because we had learned that there are no words or deeds that will make the grief go away, we were able to sense the feelings and frustrations of friends and families who were going through the grief with us.

The Mixture Of Bitter Sweet

Every event of your life is filled with the opportunity for learning.  All the wonderful times of your life and all the terrible times of your life have blended together to produce the complex person you are today.  And, as much as you hate it, the sadness that has now crashed into your world is another one of life’s maturing gifts.  Growth and maturity are matters of learning.  We must live with-and profit from-the bitter and the sweet events that make up our days.  Of course, the opportunity to “become a stronger person” is no consolation to you at this point.  You want to scream, “I don’t care about being stronger!  I want things back like they were!  Leave me weak, but give me back my loved one!”  Time will reveal the remarkable gift that we each receive when someone is stolen away from us.  Your enduring tribute to the person who has gone will eventually take new and wonderful forms.

Make Your Own Rules For Celebrations

If you have to write it out on a piece of paper and tape it to your mirror, do so:  “You are the world’s expert on the right way for you to grieve.”  The way that you can best cope with celebration around you is uniquely your own.  Some people need to withdraw from celebrations.  Others can turn any celebration into a positive and heartwarming reminder of the one they have lost.  I have known families who allow birthdays, anniversaries and other holidays to pass with never a mention of the loved one who is no longer present.  And I have known other families where there is always an extra place set at the table, always a cake and candles, sometimes even an annual picnic to which hundreds of friends and fellow pilgrims are invited.  Both extremes (and all methods in between) are right and appropriate.  You may have to try both ways-and even create some unique holidays of your own-before you settle on the approach that makes it a true celebration for you.

Take A Holiday From The Holidays

In our family, we knew immediately after the boys died that we did not want to be in familiar surroundings for the holidays.  Travel works for us.  We prefer to be distracted from our sadness by going to new places and meeting new people.  And yet I have friends who are horrified by the idea of being away from home at those special times.  They say, “Nothing is as meaningful to us a having our whole family together around our table at home so that we can remind each other of all the good memories of the one who is not with us.”  Different folks are comforted in different ways.  If you need to “take a holiday from the holidays,” give yourself full permission to bow out of celebrations for a time.

Every Hug Dilutes The Pain

Even though there are no words that can bring back the one who has left, there is healing therapy in having people near you who are willing to stay nearby and hurt with you.  Though your inclination may be to push others away, remember that they are hurting too, and can eloquently communicate their love, though never a word is spoken.  Especially therapeutic is the time you may spend with others who have been through a similar situation.  Remember also to draw on the resources of your faith community-not expecting miracles, but relishing the balm of mutual encouragement.

Take Heart

You have been given membership in a club that will age you, will mature you, and will teach you many things you could never have learned otherwise.  Your life will never be the same again, but it can be meaningful again-in some cases more meaningful than ever before.  Determine to honor the one who has gone away by gradually returning to a life fully lived.  Take a celebration break for a while if you need it.  But, in time, find your own special ways to turn every celebration into a tribute of love and memory.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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“So high you can’t get over it / So low you can’t get under it / So wide you can’t get around it / You gotta go in through the door.”  These words from a spiritual I sand as a youth speak to me now of the experience of grief-and of the most healing approach to dealing with grief.  Grief when a loved one has died truly is so high, so low, and so wide that to heal from it.  “You gotta go in through the door.”  We need to allow ourselves to experience and express the sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, emptiness, despair that may be so intense at times that we feel as if we’re going crazy.”  Grief assaults us physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and socially.  But we can’t stuff grief inside, pretending it will go away, or we are likely to end up with more problems.  Although it’s hard to believe that experiencing and sharing the painful feelings associated with grief can possibly be healing, survivors of loss will affirm that it is true.

Working Your Way Through

All of us need some guidance through the dark tunnel of grief.  I would like to offer you some thoughts out of my experiences and those of the many bereaved persons who have gifted me with their stories.  I hope these thoughts will help to guide you toward the light of renewed life shining at the end of the tunnel, even though you may not yet be able to see it.

Give Yourself Time To Grieve

Grief does not neatly end when you return to work, or after two weeks or two months, as friends and family members may think it should.  How long will it take for your grief to heal?  The unsatisfying yet most honest answer is: “It will take as long as it takes.”  That time is different for everyone because grief, is an unique as the individual going through it-but it is almost always longer than one would expect.  Set aside time to do your “grief work.”  If you had severely injured your leg, you would take time to change the bandage or go to physical therapy.  This deep emotional wound likewise deserves your attention. Consider writing a series of letters to share with your deceased loved one any regrets you have things said or not said, what you miss most, how you feel now.  Read books about how others have coped and devastating losses.  You can expect setbacks on your journey out of grief.  Holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are never the same (although that doesn’t mean there will never be joy in them again).  You may feel anxious about these special events several weeks before they occur.  Make specific plans for these days.  Schedule a day off, if need be, to be able to cry or take flowers to the cemetery or look through photo albums.  Time alone does not bring healing for grief.  It’s what you do with the time that makes the difference.

Share Your Grief With People Who Understand

Sharing your thoughts and emotions with people who care and understand your grief is one of the most healing gifts you can give yourself.  Family and friends may not always be your best source of support.  Oftentimes they are experiencing their own grief, or they may find it so painful to listen to your sadness that they want you to be “over it” before you really are.  Bereavement support groups can be a lifeline.  As one young widow described her support group experience: “Here was a safe place-the only place I could really be me, no matter how I was feeling.  Here I was understood.” The only feelings that do not heal are the ones you hide.  Find at least one person who understands and can truly listen to you-a friend or family member, a trained counselor, a trusted clergy person.  As a wise rabbi once observed: “Human beings are God’s language.”

Allow Healing Tears To Flow

Dr. Joyce Brothers relates the following story about the origin of tears in her book Widowed.  According to the Jewish Talmud, Adam protested to God that banishing him and Eve from the Garden of Eden was too severe a punishment.  How would they cope with the world outside?  God considered their plea and gave Adam and Eve two gifts to help them cope with difficulties in the world.  The first gift was the Sabbath for rest and contemplation; the second was the tear.  Sometimes the “stiff upper lip” approach to life can be so ingrained in people (especially men) that they find it hard to allow themselves the healing gift of a good cry.  Yet I believe the ability to cry is one of God’s greatest gifts to humankind.  Tears are as natural as laughter and just as healing.  Tears shed privately or shared with an empathetic friend can release not only sadness, but also anger, guilt, exhaustion and loneliness.  Use this God given gift freely.

Be Good To Yourself

Because of the toll grief takes on the entire body, mind and soul it is critical that you take good care of yourself during this time.  Pay attention to your diet-eat more fruits and vegetables, chicken and fish and fewer sweets.  Drink more water; grieving causes your muscles to be in an almost constant state of tension and they need more fluids to function.  Avoid caffeine and alcohol; they are dehydrators.  Make time for walking or aerobic exercise.  Exercise can help to keep you physically strong and resilient and can be a great tension reliever.  As difficult as it may be, try to go to bed and get up at the same time each day.  This helps program your mind and body to know when it is time to rest.  One more thing; strive regain your sense of humor.  You are not being disloyal to your loved one when you find things to smile and laugh at once again.  Writer Jean Jones has the best advice; “Cry when you have to and laugh when you can.”

Make Use Of Your Spiritual Supports

Some people find their faith strengthened during a time of loss; others feel abandoned by God.  Death is nearly always a time of grappling with spiritual issues.  Stay or become connected with a supportive congregation.  Try reading Scripture and daily devotionals, singing comforting hymns and praying-even if at first your prayers are only cries for help. Share with God your sorrow and anguish, and prayers of praise and thanksgiving will one day return to your heart.  One of my young widowed friends who felt betrayed by God at the time of her husband’s death, found her way back to God through enjoying the healing power of nature, praying the Psalms, memorizing uplifting quotes, and making time for spiritual retreats to help deal with her struggles.

Share Your Gifts With Others

Remember the words of the writer Sir James Barrie: “Those who bring sunshine to others cannot keep it from themselves.”  When you have regained some of your emotional balance and your physical energy, reach out to others who need a listening ear or a helping hand.  Start a support group, help someone learn to read, deliver meals to people who are confined, or teach a children’s religious instruction class.  The world still needs your gifts, and you will find that much healing occurs in the midst of your encounters with God’s people.

Take Heart

A year ago a violent windstorm ripped the heart out of some of my favorite old trees.  I wept when I saw them.  I knew they would never be the same, and I even wondered if they would survive.  Perhaps you too, feel a part of you has been ripped away by the loss you have sustained.  It’s true, you will never be the same.  But a friend of mine, who has been widowed two years, recently shared with me a new perspective on that reality.  She stated, “I feel I am a different person now.  And I see this change as a tribute to my husband.  What significance was our life together and his death if it could leave me untouched?”  As I walk by the surviving trees a year after their devastation, I am amazed at the lush green leaves growing on what I had feared would be dead branches.  Oh, I can see the scars when I look closely, but the trees are healing and still offer great beauty to my world.  I believe that if you give yourself time to grieve and care for yourself lovingly, you too, will find healing and opportunity for new growth in your life.  My friend Chaplain Tom Mozley best expresses my final thoughts for you about healing from your loss:  “To be human is to suffer loss.  To lose is to grieve.  To grieve is to heal.  Grace and power to you in leaning into and moving through that painful process.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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