Cremation and Coping With Grief
Sooner or later, grief comes to all of us. A child dies, a spouse succumbs to illness, a friend is killed in an accident, and a family member ends her life. Because grief is a reality of life, it is vital that we learn how to live with loss and reframe the future. Here are 10 ways to cope with grief.
Expect Emotional Upheaval
Although my husband had been ill with cancer for six years and we knew he could not win the struggle with his illness, his death nevertheless, generated tremendous emotional upheaval,” recalls Ruth, widowed after a 30 year marriage. “Even though I expected this death and thought I was prepared, the emotional chaos which followed caught me off guard. I seemed to move from indecisiveness to ultra sensitivity to fear to a sense of abandonment to feeling completely alone on the planet.” Her experience is not unusual among those who lost a loved one. While there are no distinct “steps” of grieving many people seem to experience the following phases of grief shock: disbelief, anger (as the deceased, themselves, the medical community, God): regrets over things unsaid, undone or uncompleted: depression, acceptance and growth. During the early months, expect to experience a variety of confusing and conflicting emotions. This is natural, but with the passage of time, your emotional state will begin to level and balance.
Adopt A Survivor’s Attitude
People from all walks of life survive painful experiences. They learn how to manage those challenges, grow through them and emerge better, not bitter. Beginning today, tell yourself “I am a survivor!” Ann Kaiser Sterns Ph.D., interviewed dozens of people for her book, Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives After Crisis and Loss. The people she interviewed all experienced major disappointments, tragedies and losses, yet they were able to turn them into victories. She identifies the following as common attitudes typical of survivors. Carefully review them and work to make them your survivor attitudes: I will not be defeated, I will vividly examine the future, I will take advantage of available opportunities, I can do it if I set my mind, I will not assume the victim posture, I will accept life’s challenge, I have to be willing to expand, there must be some meaning to be found in this, I am consciously deciding to be in the company of good people.
Surround Yourself With Helpful People
Those best equipped to support and comfort you will be those who listen compassionately and do not pass judgment on what you say or feel. These individuals will respond to you with empathy,  often using statements such as: I’m sorry, I’m here if you need me, how are you doing, I want to help, I don’t know what to say, how can I help?, what can I do?, please call me anytime. Stay close to people who respond to you in such gentle, compassionate ways. Give yourself permission to express and explore your feelings in their presence. Their listening will prove healing for you.
Avoid Hurtful And Insensitive People
Almost every griever has had the unhappy experience of someone saying or doing something that adds to the wound. It is wise to distance yourself from people who just do not know how to handle bereavement issues or how to properly respond to someone experiencing grief. Being around these individuals will leave you feeling frustrated and fretful. People to keep at a distance are ones who make these types of comments: this must be god’s will, at least he/she is in a better place now, it was probably for the best, you should count your blessings, at least you had 10/20/30 etc years together, at least you have other loved ones, it was a good way to go, get hold of yourself, don’t cry, you’ll get over it, you must be strong.
Read
After my 23 year old son died in an automobile accident, I devoured every book and magazine article I could find. I made weekly trips to the library just to find books and articles on grief, bereavement and recovery from loss, recalls that your man’s father. The information was empowering and liberating. I knew nothing about grieving until my son was killed. What I learned from the reading was useful in daily coping. Reading about it made me realize I wasn’t going out of my mind; that my response to this horrific loss in my life was quite normal. It gave me hope that I would indeed regain some balance in my life.
Save Keepsakes That Comfort (But Avoid Turning Your Home Into A Shrine)
Special mementos of a loved one might bring back fond memories, so save that special photo, sweater, jacket, robe, etc. Do not turn your home or apartment into a shrine with all of your loved one’s belongings kept in place permanently, however. Begin the process of disposing of your loved one’s possessions and clothing, but do so carefully and in keeping with your instincts. Consider this insight from writer Amy Florian. After her husband John died, she observed: “Many widowed people I’ve known didn’t clean our closets until a year or more after the death of their spouse. Others did it in stages, parting with things as the felt ready. No particular timetable is right. Feel free to keep whatever is comforting for you. I slept with John’s shirt for months after he died. I still have some of his things and doubt that I’ll ever part with them except perhaps to give them to our son.
Acknowledge Special Days
Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are tough when there has been a loss to death. Rather than trying to ignore those days, do something to acknowledge your loved one. In this way, you embrace the legacy of your loved one. In his book, Grievers ask: Answers to Questions About Death and Loss, Harold Ivan Smith offers these suggestions: buy a candle that represents colors your loved one liked, place a memoriam in your local newspaper on your loved one’s anniversary date, do something that reminds you of your loved one. Play a favorite son. Request a favorite song on a radio station. Go to a favorite restaurant or spot.
Anticipate Ups And Downs
The journey through grief is never a straight line, and often involves two steps forward and one step back. Remind yourself that you do not suddenly “get over it.” You might feel quite good one day and then feel much worse the next, or you might feel quite calm one moment only to experience turmoil the next. Express these ups and downs. Do not be alarmed by them.
Be Gentle And True To Yourself
People will have a lot of expectations of you, note authors Susan Zonnebelt Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries in their book, Getting to The Other Side of Grief. They may pressure you to do things you do not want to do. Being gentle means giving yourself permission to be right where you are. Others don’t know better that you what is best for you. For example, if you are invited out to dinner with another couple but that makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason, it is usually best to decline the invitation. Doing things that are upsetting or uncomfortable can compromise your integrity, they write. Don’t act a part: trust your feelings, go with them-at least in the early stages of your grieving. Give yourself permission to say no. You can always initiate later by letting your friends know you are not ready to participate in the group occasionally.
Expect To Heal
While the wound of grief is deep, it is a wound that heals. Take comfort in that fact and believe that you, like others wounded by grief will heal. Healing was the experience of former President George Bush and his wife, Barbara. They experienced healing and grief recovery after their four year old daughter died. In his book, All the Best: My Life in Letters and Other Writings, he writes: Only a few months after Robin died, the grief and the awful aching hurt began to disappear, to give way to happy memories of our blessed child. Oh we’d shed a tear when we’d think of something she’d said or done; but the hurt that literally racked our bodies went away-gone, vanished, replaced by happy thoughts.
If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.