Cremation and What Dying Persons Want
“My grandmother wanted to see and talk to people; those whom she couldn’t see, she wanted to talk to on the phone,” says Bill Reynolds.Just days before she died, she told him, “I said hello to you when you came into this world and now I want to say good-bye.”His grandmother knew she was dying and her last days were filled with seeing the people who were important to her, thinking back on her life, saying the things she wanted to say, and imagining the place she called heaven that lay ahead.
Working Your Way Through
Reynolds a healthcare chaplain recently encountered two very significant deaths-his grandmother’s and a friend’s—which intensified his understanding of the needs of the dying.”Though there are exceptions,” he says “generally people want to talk about their death and prepare for that time.A dying person wants to be told the truth and wants honesty about what they can expect.”Being with someone who is dying involves a delicate balance of honoring their grief and wishes while understanding and honoring your own needs and grief.Here are a few guidelines you and your loved one may find helpful.
Dying Persons Want To Feel A Sense Of Integrity And Completeness
In my conversations with dying persons as a chaplain, I find that people often know intuitively that their death is near.Even in instances when family members try to protect them from this knowledge, the dying person will look their physician in the eye and say, “I’m going to die, aren’t i?”Too often death is not talked about and not lived into because both the caregiver and the one dying may fear hurting the other.Having an openness to talk about death allows the dying to approach their death with integrity and bring about whatever closure they need.In their last days people need time to engage in self-searching and reflection about their life and relationships.People reminisce because they want to know how they will be remembered.The dying want to know they will be remembered and that their lives made a difference.This searching is often accompanied by moments of confession and reconciliation-with friends, with family members and with god.While a dying 15 year old may wonder if he was too selfish, an older adult may wonder if her life work was meaningful.Meeting your loved one’s questions with acceptance and grace will help them find the sense of peace and forgiveness they need.
Dying Persons Want To Make Choices
“People often die like they live, says Reynolds and it’s important not to expect them to be different than they are.”A quiet person may prefer a darkened room with their favorite music playing softly, with only their closet loved ones present.Some will die in the middle of the night with no one present.Others want to be surrounded by a circle of family and friends and find great joy in hearing their laughter and jokes and the singing of favorite hymns or songs.In their dying, people value things and experiences which have been meaningful to them in their life.One who values spontaneity will surprise you with their last wishes.One who values control will pay great attention to organization of details, down to how they should be dressed for the viewing of the body.The dying need these final expressions of their individuality.Honoring their wishes can be a meaningful part of your journey together through grief and loss.
Dying Persons Want Companionship
“For family and friends often the most difficult part of being with a person who is dying is being truly present-not just being in the room together, but being truly present,” says Rev. George Handzo, president of the Association of Professional Chaplains.Being truly present means talking, asking questions, sharing feelings, laughing, crying, loving-the same things that make our relationships meaningful as we live.Touch is an important way of letting someone know you are close, and the dying often want children and pets to be included.While 8 year old Anna sat by her great-grandmother’s bed and sang songs to her and softly rubbed her head, the love of her family filled the room.Inviting your loved one to talk about their dying helps you better understand their needs and hopes and helps them feel cared for.Don’t be afraid to ask-do you want to be alone; or do you want people to be with you?Is there something you want to do today?Who do you want to talk to today?What do you want us to do with your favorite things?What do you hope will happen before you die?No doubt talking about dying will bring about sadness and grief as your loved one imagines missing all they love about this life.But these moments will ease their passage and create memories you will always cherish for having shared such intimate moments.The time we spend with one making the passage between this life and the next promotes healing, instills us with strength, and deepens our relationships.The one dying needs this chance to deepen their love and to face the rest of their life with courage and peace.
Dying Persons Want To Avoid Excessive
Perhaps the greatest fear about dying is that it will be extremely painful.For persons to die with dignity, they want to die without that kind of pain.Medicines today make it possible for many people to die with a minimum of physical discomfort.As caregivers there is probably no more important wish for us to honor.Although there are safety concerns, and a medical specialist should be consulted, caregivers sometimes withhold medicines out of their own needs, not wanting a loved one to be incoherent or to sleep all day.Or they fear that offering additional medicines will kill the person.Remember that properly administered medication eases the passage into death that is already brought about by disease; it does not cause death.The appropriate use of pain medicines allows your loved one to gradually enter the world of sleep, and then death and grants your loved one the respect of a dignified death.
Dying Persons Need Permission To Leave
The passage into death is made easier when those around the dying give their permission.A 17 year old might want to know if her parents are going to be ok and a middle aged man will want to know that his wife will get support to manage the children and household.They are asking “are you going to be ok if I go?”Giving permission helps the dying person know that you will find a way through the journey of living apart from them.When they know this, they can complete their own good-byes.Find comfort in the teachings of your faith that while your loved one is dying physically their spirit will live on in ways that we cannot yet fully understand.Eventually the dying want to cross the threshold to the other side, and they begin to see and talk to people who are not present in the room.As Bill sat with his grandmother during her final days, he said to her, “You seem to be working really hard,” as she spoke to people from her past.She replied that it was the hardest work she had ever done.”It was like hearing an eyewitness account of someone looking directly into the window of death,” says Bill.When she said she was a light he said simply “it’s ok that’s the way home.
Take Heart
Not everyone has time to prepare for their death.But when there is time, and with your help your loved one can prepare with heart, mind and soul for their death.Then when death comes there is likely to be a greater assurance that what lies beyond is peaceful and restful.May you be open to the possibility of journeying alongside them so they have what they truly want and need to make the great passage.
If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.