Cremation and Healing Thoughts When Your Parent Dies
Driving to the funeral home to make the arrangements after my mother’s death I was struck by the thought: Now I can finally talk to you again. I felt a surge of joy. My mother who was my best friend for 40 years had slipped into the agitated confused world of Alzheimer’s disease the last five years of her life and had left me without her companionship, conversation and wise counsel. Yet within 24 hours if her death, I realized we could carry on our relationship where we’d left off, albeit in an altered state. Chalk it up to the mystery of faith or one of the inexplicable goings-on after the death of a parent but I felt extremely comforted and began telling my mother how much I’d missed her, how she didn’t deserve to die the way she did, and how I hoped she’d keep an eye on her granddaughter Hannah.
Working Your Way Through
Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things adult children live through. Everyone grieves differently -uniquely-and your reactions and those of other family members may surprise you. Sorrow, relief, intense gratitude, nostalgia, resentment, anger and sustained sadness are not uncommon emotions in the course of your mourning. You don’t want to run from any of these feelings but certain things you can do may bring you consolation.
Honor Your Parent
Storytelling is a most ancient form of honoring the dead. The traditional Christian funeral provides three opportunities for the bereaved to speak of the deceased: at the wake, the funeral service, and the graveside. You can continue to create opportunities for sharing and storytelling, at a reception following the funeral and at family gatherings and memorial services in the years to come. Keep a journal or record your memories to share with family and friends. They will no doubt make corrections and additions to your recollections, which will cause lots of lively discussion. Encourage others to tell their stories. You’ll learn things about your mother or father you never knew—stories of charitable acts, courageous deeds, and displays of very human strengths and weaknesses that made this person unique among the billions that came before him or her. Another way to share your deceased parent’s legacy is in naming children. For the rest of their lives, those children will still be passing on part of the history of their namesake. Offering charitable gifts and donations in your parent’s name, dedicating your work to them, or acknowledging them in some other way can also be a deeply satisfying way to keep your mother or father’s memory alive.
Change Routines Or Create New Traditions
The holidays, family vacations, anniversaries or birthdays punctuate the absence of a parent, particularly in the first years after his or her death. Changing past routines or establishing new traditions can ease the transition. When their father died my cousins asked if they could spend the coming Thanksgiving holiday with our family something they had never done in the past because they dreaded the thought of their father’s empty place at the head of the table and they wanted to be with other family members on that special day. On my father’s birthday the first year after his death, my sisters and I went out to dinner with an aunt and uncle and had them tell us stories about Dad’s childhood. Many of the tales we’d heard before but everyone was buoyed by the reminiscing. “There is no greater way to honor one who gave you life than to live a happy and full life in return.” The death of a parent can also be the catalyst for changes in lifestyle and carets. Thoughts of your own mortality are not uncommon when a parent dies, and can cause you to rethink the way you want to live the rest of your life. After the death of his beloved mother, a friend of mine decided the time was right to take a job with Habitat for Humanity and move to Romania for a year. Take caution, however. It is not always wise to make major life decisions while you’re mourning the death of a loved one. Sometimes marriage breakups and job changes-later regretted-are initiated following the death of a parent. Give yourself time to work through your grief before making those kinds of decisions.
Inherit Your Parent’s Riches
When a parent dies a part of you seems to die with them. You realize that you’ve lost something you can never replace, and that causes great sadness. But it is possible to retrieve and even recreate the person in small ways by trying to capture their spirit in the way you live. Keep in mind your parent’s best traits (he was generous; she was a good listener; he stood by his convictions; she always held out hope; and so on). Think of these traits as your inheritance and put them to good use. My sister sets a good example: she became very conscientious about attending wakes and funerals after the death of my dad-an Irishman and natural born wake-goer. “Dad would want one of us to be there,” she said recently when an old family friend died in California 2,000 miles away from our home. She flew out the next day and served as our family’s representative at the memorial mass.
Find Ways To Reconcile
Many children experience deep regret after a parent dies. Parent-child relationships often get very messy, particularly during the teen and young adult years. If a parent dies before you’ve had the chance to sort through some of the unrealistic expectations you had for each other, you may feel you weren’t given the chance to make amends. Due to circumstances in your relationship with your parent, you may have felt robbed of the opportunity to express some anger, hurt or confusion you believe he or she caused you. Communicating with the person through prayer or expressing your thoughts in a journal may help you bring closure to your painful feelings and offer forgiveness and may bring you peace. Often adult children feel remorse for not being more loving and attentive. “I should have gone to visit my mother more,” a daughter might say. A son might lament that he used a sharp or impatient tone with his infirm parent. Trust that your parent knows and always knew the good in you. Forgive yourself just as surely as they would forgive you. Then “pay it forward” as a recent book and movie put it and reconnect with others in memory of your deceased parent.
Don’t Be Ashamed Of The Relief You Feel
For countless reasons-a parent’s long illness, incapacitated state, depression or terrible loneliness-you may feel an undeniable measure of relief when your mother or father’s death comes. You may find your mixed emotions confusing and even shameful. But the relief you feel is an acknowledgement that no one should suffer endlessly and it is a sentiment you no doubt heard your parent express on a number of occasions.
Follow Your Parent’s Wishes
Many parents ask their children not to mourn them when they’re gone. You may be craving everyday routine, social gatherings, laughter and relaxation-all of which may seem inappropriate during your period of mourning. But they are vital to your healing and well being. There is in fact no greater way to honor one who gave you life than to live a happy and full life in return.
Take Heart
As a child suffering the loss of a parent your first and most essential step toward feeling whole again is to be grateful for the gift of life that was given to you by the person now gone. You can continue to draw on your parent’s guidance and learn from their examples-both good and bad. Continue to love the person, love them all the more, love them with your whole heart, and remember this person’s love for you. That love never dies.
If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.