CREMATION & IF ONLY SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD MY GRIEF
Not long after my dad died, a friend told me that there would come a time when his death would not be my first thought when I awake each morning. Though my friend had buried a loved one herself, I found the comment unbelievable. I could not imagine that there would be a day when grief was not my first morning companion. It never occurred to me that anyone could understand my grief.
WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH
Now some years later a picture or a song or any number of things can unexpectedly remind me of my dad and stir the grief that never completely fades away. His death however is no longer my waking thought each day. I did not understand those words of consolation when they were given to me. I wasn’t ready to hear them. But I did hold on to them. Your grief may seem to personal and your feelings for the loved one who is gone too personal and sacred for anyone to understand. And now your loneliness and longing may seem too private as well. There are some things you can do however to both honor your grief and feel less isolated.
DON’T MEASURE OR COMPARE
There is no “right” or universal way to grieve just as there is no one single timeline on which to chart the course of grief. Some of us get angry and some are blinded by denial. Some try stoically to control their emotions and may seem to have hearts of stone while others get lost in minute detail. For some grief is locked inside numbness and shock while for others feelings are easily expressed and tears flow freely. When her mom died at age 62 Sue’s grief looked very different from the grief of her four siblings. She seemed obsessed with insignificant details about the funeral and cremation services and at times even a bit frivolous and giddy. It was easy to be annoyed with her tempting to judge her. But to do so would have created even more heartache. For reasons solely her own, Sue had found it impossible to think about what seemed imminent and unavoidable to her siblings. It wasn’t that she didn’t care. She cared so much she didn’t know what to do or where to begin. What seemed like indifference only masked the depth of the grief.
NAME THE SENSE OF ISOLATION
Grief is isolating precisely because we often fell that no one understands and it sometimes seems easier just to be alone. So the young woman whose mother has died spends hours alone in her bedroom. The widower avoids the awkwardness of couples’ dinner parties, not wanting to be a “third wheel.” The mother who has buried her only son withdraws from commitments and gatherings, insisting she would ruin it for the others. Isolation can seem easier but it really is not, for it robs us of the connection to people that will ultimately heal our broken hearts. Be patient. Admit the feelings of isolation and say aloud that “these feelings will not last forever.” In due time it will be easier to reconnect with the people whom you need to help you move out of the bedroom, the house, or the cave of your own heart. A friend whose daughter died at the age of 23 holds out hope for others: “when Janet died a part of me died also. I was broken. I had changed. I didn’t want to be different but I was. It wasn’t easy for people to understand that. It was difficult to see people going about their business as if nothing had changed. Everything had changed for me. I am so much better now, thanks to wonderful family and friends; they are god’s grace.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED
Not long ago I watched a respected member of our parish community leave mass early. As a devout Catholic this early departure would have at one time been unthinkable to him. But his wife’s recent death has turned his world upside down. Church is now a place where time slows down and his grief unfolds. As he walked past me that day he whispered, “pray for me.” It was a remarkable request from a man whom the world would deem successful and “in control.” Yet in that moment he wore his pain and vulnerability like a cross. “It never occurred to me that anyone could understand my grief.” Do not be afraid of the pain or the tears-and do not be afraid to share them. If you take the lead others know it is OK to talk with you about the loss, t o send a note of support and to respond in some way with compassion. And even though no one can completely understand your experience of grief, their attempts to reach out to you will bring healing and consolation. Support groups of people who have experienced similar losses to your own can also provide a way of reaching out.
GIVE YOURSELF A CREATIVE OUTLET
For many years I watched our daughters write college entrance and scholarship essays that demanded time and energy and were a source of great complaint. Yet when all was said and done the essays themselves gave expression to insights and feelings never before recognized or expressed. If we feel trapped in self absorption and think that no one understands, writing can help us work through some parts of grief. I asked a friend what has helped her survive the losses of her young sister, her mother and her best friend. I asked because in spite of the losses in her life, there is a joy about Kate that draws others to her. She wrote a long journal entry that included this: “losing someone you love especially someone young, feels like being attacked or robbed in your home. My 20 year friendship with Mary Beth was a beautiful piece of creative art that was being fashioned by us on a daily basis. Without her the piece can never be complete….More than two years and I still grieve…still grief allows you to be truly human, imperfect, and humbled by your inability to cope, and desperate for help and understanding from others. It then lays the groundwork for compassion for others. I think that grief teaches us that we are really all alike no matter what we look like or where we come from.” A journal need not be the only tool to use to work through grief. Putting together a book of photos and letters, writing a poem, or painting a picture all provide ways beyond the spoken word to express feelings. It won’t all be pretty or worthy of publication. But ideas and perceptions will be formed, fostering a greater sense of self-understanding that one day can lead to a sense of joy that right now may be impossible to imagine.
TAKE IT TO GOD
For as much as we know that god is with us in pain and sorrow, it sometimes seems that the last place grief takes us is to god. We are afraid perhaps to test god with our anger. We cannot understand how a loving god allows such pain. We have lived our lives with an image of god that promises only good to those who are faithful. In the face of terrible loss we may need to reexamine who god is. This remains true: in the midst of isolation and fear, when it does indeed seem that no one understands, god who created us and inexplicably knows each of us -this god does understand. The mother of two daughters both diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, wrote this about their early years: “when they were young I would get so angry at god. I suppose I was frustrated at not being able to ‘fix’ what was wrong with them. I remember when confessing this anger a priest told me that he thought the anger was a form of prayer. What a wonderful thing it was to hear that. I did not know the priest and I am sure he never knew how much he helped me with those words. I realized later that of course, I should have been angry-and who knew better than god? God understood the anger and frustration.” So we pray with whatever is in our hearts. Words may pour out in anger or despair or the words of scripture may help. Psalm 31 could be prayed in bits and pieces all day long: “in you O lord I seek refuge…. Into your hand I commit my spirit…My eye wastes away from grief, my soul and body also….my strength fails because of my misery….I have passed out of mind like one who is dead…But I trust in you, O lord.” The prayer of the psalms reminds us that we are not
isolated, we are not alone. Grief is sacred, and so is healing, god is a refuge. God is worthy of our trust, god will in time give us peace.
TAKE HEART
My friend Kitty who has known her share of suffering and loss, lives by a spiritual rule that I have often found challenging: in all things gratitude. It is difficult at times to find a reason to be grateful and this is one of those times. But this grief is also a gift that reminds us of our own capacity to love and be loved. Grief is borne of the loss of human relationship; the deeper we have loved, the deeper the grief. None of us would ever relinquish the privilege of having loved, the gift of having held, cherished, and cared for the other. So with hearts filled with pain, and eyes filled with tears, we nonetheless give thanks for the incredible gift of love that will be ours for the rest of our days.
Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.