CREMATION OPTIONS

Recently after an uncle’s funeral, I strode along a ridge among the graves of my ancestors. Many of my great aunts and uncles, my grandparents and close friends of the family are buried in the same section of a cemetery in Chicago. Lately I’d been thinking that burial plots were a waste of good ground and that I didn’t really care what happened to me when I died-the less fuss the better. But as I walked among my people I felt something I’ve never felt so strongly before-my connection to them, and their connection to the future through me. I came to appreciate the rituals and traditions that surround the funerals in our family, and I began to think of how I might want my passing to be marked. I realized these “last rites” could matter greatly to me and they were worth my time and thought. Yet many of us are not quite sure how to proceed.

WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

Making funeral arrangements has a lot in common with preparing for a baptism, bar mitzvah, wedding, or significant anniversary. Like these other milestones, a person’s passing is a major event in the lives of loved ones. But because the details surrounding a death occur at a time of tremendous stress, it makes sense to make as many arrangements in advance as you can. The better you plan, the less likely the stress of the moment and the crush of details-not to mention the shock of your loss-will overwhelm you and the occasion will turn out as you hope. Many people would rather not think about death and funeral arrangements. But there are strong emotional, social and financial reasons to make funeral arrangements in advance. Here are a few suggestions.

EXPLORE ALL YOUR OPTIONS

Though every culture has its traditional set of funeral rituals, cremation rites and practices no two funerals are exactly alike. Nor should they be. Funeral rites ought to reflect the life and values o the individual who has died, and the survivors he or she has left behind. By acting in advance you can think through the available choices to find the options that are right for you. Will you choose interment, cremation, or entombment in a mausoleum? Are there special visitation arrangements that need to be accommodated? Will you have a religious service and if so who will officiate? If you act in advance you can have many of your questions answered. You can read and research, inquire with friends as well as funeral professionals, and challenge assumptions you may have. Many people carry around erroneous notions about what is and isn’t allowed at funerals. When making advance funeral arrangements-for yourself or a loved one for whom you’re responsible-you’ll be called upon to make many significant decisions, But you cannot exercise choice wisely if you don’t know what your options are. By acting in advance of need, you’re in the best position to examine questions in depth, give them significant thought, consult with others whose feelings you need to consider, and come to decisions with which you can be satisfied.

HAVE IT YOUR WAY

Would you like a certain song sung at the funeral, or a meaningful poem or scripture passage read? Will you want to be buried in the town where you now live, or buried near loved ones in your home town? How much do you want to spend on a casket? Do you want a longtime friend or family member to give a eulogy? The list goes on. Funerals are for the living and in memory of the deceased. Funerals are not for the edification of the preacher, the exclusive domain of the funeral director or to fulfill someone else’s idea of decorum and appropriateness. If you want a specific thing to happen at your funeral the only way to be sure it will happen is to make your wishes clear in advance best of all, in writing. Arrange it now. You can always change it later.

ENLIST THE HELP OF A PROFESSIONAL PARTNER

A good first step is to talk with a funeral director you trust. If you don’t have a family funeral director, spend some time selecting one who’s right for you. Funeral directors say the number one service they offer is active listening to help the bereaved make decisions that are appropriate for them. What you’re looking for is someone who will truly listen and respond to your needs and wishes. You might begin by making a list of three funeral directors and interviewing each by phone. After a follow-up visit with the one(s) you feel most comfortable with, choose the one who is the most open and instills the most confidence in you. Turn to someone who will listen first advise second. A good funeral director can handle a myriad of paperwork, mountains of official forms, and an array of details-all as you would have them handled. When a loved one dies, the survivors are bound to be very vulnerable. Emotions will run strong, and handling even the simplest details can be an enormous challenge. At such a time, a professional partner who can handle the arrangements according to your wishes will free up survivors to enter into the grieving process. A competent and caring funeral director can carry out your hopes and desires for the funeral ceremonies and do so with respect, dignity and within your means. There are a number of details you may want to review in advance with a funeral director: what’s on your grave marker, whether you want to indicate a charity as a recipient of memorial donations; who you’d like to have as pall bearers: whether to have a ceremony in a church, at the graveside, or in the home of a friend weeks after your death. You can even indicate what you would like mentioned in your obituary.

KEEP COSTS REASONABLE AND CLEAR

Society puts a cloak of silence around death, so many of us are uninformed about the arrangements that need to be made at the time of death. When making funeral arrangements, it’s essential that you leave no question unasked or unanswered. It’s important to find the right balance between providing the appropriate kind of sendoff and keeping costs within the limits you can afford. Set up a fact-finding appointment with your funeral director, cemetery director or other service provider. Ask to have a cost sheet sent in advance so you can prepare your questions. Funeral professionals provide a service and should be paid for that service. But those paying for that service should know in advance what services are being provided, what the full costs are, and what other options are available. Feel free to ask for additional options on caskets, embalming, and other services. Question charges you don’t understand. If after the explanation you remain uncertain, call another funeral
director or your state’s funeral directors’ association to verify that the charge is appropriate. Practically speaking attending to a loved one’s funeral arrangements in advance may find you in a better situation to handle the finances. This is especially true if the loved one may be heading to a nursing home where the cost of care may totally deplete family savings, leaving little or nothing with which to pay for the funeral.

SAVE YOUR SURVIVORS ADDED BURDENS

My father worked for Catholic cemeteries in Chicago for 42 years. He began his career in sales. He was responsible for setting up a pre- need sales program in the early 1950’s. Often when he would arrive at a home to discuss advance funeral arrangements, people would be reluctant to even think about the day such arrangements would be needed. Through the years however countless family members have come up to my father thanking him for the time and effort he took with their family years before. In their time of mourning details were already in place and decisions already made. They were grateful that when the hour had arrived they were found prepared.

TAKE HEART

Anyone who has suddenly been responsible for handling the details of a death where no pre- arrangements have been made knows the overwhelming number of decisions that are involved. At a time of loss, confusion reigns. We can feel pulled in many directions at once, especially if we’re uncertain what the deceased would have wanted. Making your funeral arrangements in advance is one last wonderful gift you can give the love ones who will be left behind. By freeing them from the burden of many details, you give them time to do the work of grieving and caring for one another. Meanwhile, the rites surrounding your funeral can be a statement of your values and the meaning you found in life and death.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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BE SURE YOUR FAMILY RECEIVES THE BENEFITS YOU’VE EARNED

Most of us plan for the years when we no longer need to, want to, or cannot work.  It is a necessity we cannot afford to ignore.  The federal and state governments have programs such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid to which we all contribute while working.  Being informed as to what we have earned and making sure we receive these important benefits is part of “Being Prepared.“ There are other important aspects to being prepared, such as preparing a Will and making funeral arrangements.

WHERE TO START

Knowing where to start can help make planning easier.  Although this brochure cannot answer all of your questions, it will highlight the main steps for you. We find once families know what to do, planning is not difficult.  As funeral directors, we are able to assist with the details and answer questions you may have about government death benefits and funeral planning.  No matter what you decide to do first, it’s important to start now, today.

WHY YOU SHOULD PLAN

We plan for every aspect of life. Having a family, vacations, weddings, and retirement are all things we plan. We prepare for what might happen such as fires, accidents or floods.  But, because most of us do not like to think about death- we avoid making important funeral decisions in advance. Now more than ever, it is important to plan ahead. Our way of life is more complicated. Family members often live in different states, dealing with government agencies can be frustrating, and every household feels the impact of inflation.

Family members making funeral arrangements immediately following a death often are confused and upset. Many times, they do not have the information needed to claim benefits. Each year millions of dollars in government and insurance benefits go unclaimed.  Planning ahead prevents emotional overspending and protects your
family’s interests.

FOUR  GOOD  REASONS  FOR  MAKING  FUNERAL  ARRANGEMENTS  IN  ADVANCE

1.  Your Family

Without a doubt the most important reason for making funeral and other estate arrangements in advance is to spare your family this task at a difficult time.  There are over 50 decisions to be made when arranging a funeral.  Making these decisions today, with the help of those close to you, lets you make logical, well thought out plans that your family will appreciate.

2.  Lower Costs

Though not a requirement, you may wish to invest in a funeral trust account or final expense insurance policy when making funeral arrangements. While most of us have life insurance or funds reserved for retirement, these are intended for the living, not to meet the cost of a funeral.

In most situations, funds invested today will be sufficient to cover the total cost of the funeral at time of need. The interest earned by the account or policy will help to offset the effects of inflation. Government regulations safeguard your investment so that funds will always be available for your family’s use.

3.  Securing Benefits

With the number of revisions in government benefits over the years, it is important for each person to be aware of these changes and how to protect those benefits.

• Social Security Upon death, dependents and survivors may be eligible for certain benefits such as Death Payments, Survivor’s Benefits and Medicare. Qualifications depend on age, marital status, number of dependents involved and if employment was under Social Security.  Your Social Security account should be  verified periodically to be sure contributions are properly posted.  All benefits must be applied for; payment is not automatic. Since qualifications vary, we recommend discussing your particular situation with us personally.
• Veteran’s Benefits There are many misconceptions regarding Veterans’ death benefits.  Honorably discharged veterans may qualify for cemetery plot and burial allowances, headstone, and burial flag, as well as a pension for survivors. These benefits may affect decisions about funeral  arrangements. Because qualifications and benefits vary, we recommend a personal review of your situation.
• Medicaid Few people are aware of provisions under Federal Title 19 where an individual can shelter funds to serve the family later by providing for funeral arrangements. We can explain these options to you.

4.  Peace Of Mind

We often have special wishes as to where to be buried, who is to receive our personal effects, and how we are to be memorialized.  Making funeral arrangements today permits time for you to tend to every detail. You gain the confidence that results from making unhurried, informed decisions. Plus, your family and others who care for you will be assured the arrangements reflect your true wishes.

Planning ahead…you have true peace of mind knowing you have taken care of everything.

HOW TO PLAN

Investigate

Most people are unsure how to secure benefits and to be certain everything will be carried out according to their wishes.  Often people delay making a Will because they feel they have little to leave behind.  Yet, a Will is vital to insure belongings are properly distributed and to avoid excess taxes.  A Will allows you to name an executor-someone in which you have confidence- to carry out your wishes. You should have an attorney prepare your Will to be certain legal requirements are met.

Legal procedures following death are also confusing.  For example, since a Will is most often read and administered after the funeral, the practical, safe approach is to have a separate document for funeral requests.

Arranging a funeral is involved with over 50 decisions that must be made. Decisions that are an added burden for family members when dealing with grief over the loss of a loved one.

By speaking with one of our qualified funeral planning counselors, you will have taken the most important step towards “being prepared.”

Organize

We all have documents and information which others would have trouble locating: military discharge papers, Social Security numbers, bank accounts, safety deposit box keys, insurance policies, relatives’  addresses. All of these items must be organized to eliminate frustrating hours of searching and to be certain everything will be found.  Insurance companies report that life insurance benefits are often unclaimed because survivors were unaware a policy existed.  The diary in this booklet will help you organize your personal information.  And, we can assist you in making a permanent record of your wishes.

Consider

No matter what your final wishes, planning in advance permits choices and valuable input from those closest to you. Some considerations for your funeral service are listed below. Your decisions can be recorded in the diary pages at the back of this guide.

1. Have you selected a cemetery or memorial location?
2. Have you prepaid the funeral service?
3. Are certain religious or fraternal customs to be followed?
4. Do you wish a military service?
5. Do you prefer a particular charity as a recipient of memorial gifts?
6. Do you wish to name pallbearers?
7. Do you wish to be buried in particular clothing or jewelry?
8. Are there any special readings, biblical passages, or musical selections you prefer?
9. Would you prefer a casket of metal or hardwood, protective or non-protective?
10. What type of monument or marker do you prefer?

This list is far from complete, but it gives you an idea of the many decisions involved when planning a funeral. Our services help you make the decisions right for you.

Decide

To protect your family, you will want to make some decisions and arrangements. As experienced funeral directors, we can assist you in all stages of planning, from completing paperwork to helping and counseling the bereaved.  We retain a complete record of your plans to insure they are carried out on your behalf.

A funeral trust account or final expense insurance is not a requirement of pre-arrangement, but the benefits merit serious consideration.  By deciding on funeral cost now, you help your family avoid emotional overspending and safeguard life insurance benefits.

Finally, be sure to advise your family of your decisions and the arrangements you have made. Knowing everything is taken care of will give both you and your family peace of mind.

QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE:

What If I Move?

Your funeral plans can be transferred at any time if you should move. We can even recommend a reputable funeral home in your new community. Through pre-arrangement, you can be confident your wishes will be fulfilled wherever you may live.

What If I Die Away From Home?

If you are traveling or visiting another city when death occurs, your survivors should contact our funeral home immediately.  We will make the necessary arrangements with a funeral home in that location to assist with transfer.

What If I Change My Mind?

Our funeral home is established upon service to families. We respect  your wishes at all times and work hard to meet the special needs and requests from you and your family, both when planning ahead and at time of need. Together we can develop plans to meet your current needs.

What If Your Funeral Home Would Not Be In Business?

You can be assured your funds are protected by state and federal regulations regardless of the operation at our funeral home.  However, our funeral home has a long-standing reputation and is committed to continuing to serve the many families who have placed their trust in us.

Are Funerals Expensive?

The cost of a funeral depends on what you prefer.  We offer many services to choose from and a wide selection of caskets, vaults, and other memorials. Part of “being prepared” is knowing the cost so you will feel comfortable with the selections you make.  We are willing to discuss specific cost with you. Advance planning also helps you prepare for the expense and permits you to set aside the funds over a period of time.

What Type Of Funeral Service Do Most Families Select?

Most people prefer a traditional funeral.  However, we offer many other choices to make the service meaningful to the family.  Memorial services, musical request, cremation, military and fraternal tributes are just a few of the options we make available.  We try to honor any special preferences or requests.

What About Monuments And Memorials?

Often families prefer to arrange for monuments or memorials in advance.  It is important for you to find out the differences in quality, material, and workmanship as well as cemetery requirements before the need arises.

AS YOU PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE…

The personal choices you make now, with clarity of mind and concern for others, are once in a lifetime decisions.  We want you to know that you can depend on us for the professional guidance you expect.

As funeral directors, we are trained to provide personal, specialized attention to all the responsibilities surrounding death and funeral services.  We will help you consider your options and organize your plans.

Contact Cremation Options to talk about funeral planning or with any questions you may have.

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Cremation Options considers this: the telephone rings. The woman on the other end informs you that there has been a death in the family and she would like your firm to handle the funeral arrangements. You offer her your sincerest condolences. You thank her for placing her trust in you, take some pertinent first call information and set up an appointment. Then you assure her that you will do everything in your power to see that placing her trust in you was the best decision she could possibly make. The daunting task of living up to your assurances begin.

As funeral practitioners we all know what this entails, so I won’t get into details, but I will says with absolute certainty, the moment of truth arrives when you greet that family and escort them into the reposing room. I have been a licensed funeral director in the State of New York for over 32 years, but I learned a most valuable lesson in my rookie season. We received a death call in the middle of the night and met the family in the morning. The deceased was a 53 year‐old woman who had succumbed to lung cancer, which had metastasized to her liver. The daughter was extremely distraught when the rest of the family made her decision to view the remains in an open casket. “How could you! My mother was the most beautiful woman in the world. We can’t let anyone see her like that. We can’t she said. But the director explained to her that if she was not satisfied with the results that they would simply close the casket. The next day I met the family for the first viewing. I could see how apprehensive the daughter was. I took her by the hand and we walked up to the casket. She gazed down at her mother. “Oh my god,” she screamed. In most cases we might wonder why she screamed, was she horrified or what? But I knew the answer. I looked at her face and saw the gigantic tears running down her checks, but she had a wondrous smile. “Johnny, look at how beautiful mommy is.” I took my sister in my arms and hugged her.

It’s been over 30 years since I walked into that chapel with my sister and not a single day has gone by that I haven’t thought of her. It is that final lasting impression of my sister’s tears of joy that has driven me over the years to elicit the same response from each and every one of the families who entrust their loved ones with us. There are many factors to take into consideration when talking about cosmetics and I will get into some of those. But I would be remiss if I did not touch on a subject that is the first step in creating an aesthetically pleasing, life like appearance of human remains. Embalming the simple most important job performed in any mortuary. This is when it all starts.

Rarely have I ever seen a poorly embalmed body look better just from the application of cosmetics. Every artist needs something to work on. Our medium is both a sculpture and a canvas. First we sculpt the features of the face then we paint on them. This is where the cosmetologist is going to perform his or her artistry. We have to start out with the best sculpture and canvas to work on, and it’s the embalmers responsibility to supply us with one. I was taught that in the art of embalming that there are pre‐and post‐embalming techniques.

Over the years far too many embalmers have gotten them juxtaposed. Shaving (woman included since cosmetics are hard to apply and do not look good on peach fuzz) and the setting of the facial features are pre‐embalming techniques. There is no reason to raise an artery and begin injecting a body before you set the features when you should be worrying about drainage and fluid distribution.

How can you worry about those things if you have to shave the body, close the eyes and mouth at the same time? Take your time; use all of your knowledge, skill and resources. Remember it might be you escorting that family member into the chapel. How do you want them to react when they get up to the casket? Ladies and gentlemen, that’s what they call a “no brainer.” Post‐embalming techniques are just as important as pre‐embalming techniques.

Over 75 percent of the cases you will prepare require some degree of hypodermic subcutaneous feature building. Most of the time it will only be necessary to inject a few ccs of feature builder to the temporal areas and behind the eyes to get the desired effects, which is simple enough. In cases of extreme emaciation, a great deal of work is called for. The zygomatic arches, jaw line, above the eyebrows, the bridge of the nose, the neck line, under the chin, even the hands, are places which I would consider injecting. Remember anything that you can do to contribute to the final product is a tremendous help to the cosmetician.

Choosing a foundation color; this is the easy part. Or is it? You’ve asked the family to bring in a picture of the deceased and they bring you a wedding photo taken 40 years earlier. What help is that? You can do everyone a favor by asking the family at the time of the first call, that when they come in to make the funeral arrangements, they bring with the burial clothes as many photos as possible of the deceased. Every family that I have ever asked has been more than happy to oblige. The more photos, the easier it is to choose the right color. If this is not possible, your knowledge of the person’s ethnic background is a good indicator of their correct skin tone. Lighting: When we enter a reposing room for the purpose of cosmetic application, the first thing that we should concern ourselves with is the lighting. I strongly recommend applying cosmetics in the room where the body is going to be viewed. Any difference in the type (natural or artificial) or intensity of the light is going to make a huge difference. Be sure to get the desired results by making up the body in the exact light the remains are going to be viewed under. Also watch out for the night man or doorman because they love to turn on the lights to high.

The difference could be night or day. When viewing the body in more than one location, such as the funeral home and a church, most of the time, we are aware of the change in the lighting. I will never forget the first time I took a body that looked perfect in the funeral home and placed it on the altar in a brand new church under the biggest skylight on the sunniest day of the year. I cringed in horror. You may consider taking a small cosmetic bag with you to the church in order to make any necessary adjustments. The smaller the bag, the less likely the family or anyone else close by will notice. If you have co‐workers or some pallbearers with you as you are setting up the body for the viewing, have them gather around to shield any onlookers from seeing what you are doing.

Cosmetic application: If you want to learn how to apply cosmetics, and this is not part of your daily routine for yourself, you may want to spend some time with someone who does a sister, mother or a girlfriend. It might sound stupid but believe me this can be quite educational. What makes the applications of cosmetics more difficult are some of the more extreme morbid conditions we might encounter. For example trauma, severe emaciation, tumors and our worst nightmare, jaundice. And for all of you who choose to shave a body during or after arterial injection, razor burns can also cause problems. These conditions will require a greater deal of expertise and knowledge of what kinds and types of cosmetics to use. To apply cosmetics I prefer using a medium stiff bristled brush. For the times when a surface restoration wax is used and cosmetics are applied with a brush, I freeze the wax with a can of compressed air held upside down; this procedure hardens the wax and makes it easier to apply. It also reduces the making of the wax by the brush marks will be nil. I have shown this technique to a great deal of people and they never cease to be amazed by it. Don’t forget to stipple the wax before you freeze it. If you like to smooth out the lips with a wax as I do, you will find this idea very useful.

There are five kinds of cosmetics in use in today’s mortuaries:

1. OIL BASED: These cosmetics up until the past 10 years or so, were the most popular. They provide good coverage but when applied heavily they tend to make the body look made up. How many times have we heard a family say, “don’t use a lot of makeup.”

2. LIQUID: These cosmetics work extremely well with your easiest cases but rarely are your cases that easy. Be careful when you use liquid cosmetics, though because they have a tendency to splash. You don’t want little dots of pink all over your pillow and interior.

3. AIRBRUSHED: These cosmetics afford the greatest degree of coverage possible. They also come in a wide selection of foundation colors and they can be applied as lightly or as heavily as needed. Highlighting is also an easy task with an airbrush. The cleanup is simple. It just takes a little more practice to become proficient at and it applies very easily to wax.

4. CREAM BASED: The advancements that the embalming fluid companies have made in fluids in the past 30 years is phenomenal. The results that we are able to achieve usually do not warrant the use of a heavy covering. I have noticed that many cosmetologists and funeral practitioners go to the local drug store to buy their cosmetics because they look a lot more natural, and the foundations come in a greater range of shades that are\ more likely to reflect the ethnicity of your business. The more diverse your business, the more shades you are going to need.

5. ARTERIAL DYES: I can remember one case I had 30 years ago. The man had been pronounced dead on a bus that was directly in front of the funeral home. I was injecting that body only 20 minutes after death. Rigor mortis was nowhere near beginning. The fluid distribution that was accomplished, I have never seen since. With all the red tape there is today before you get a case on the embalming table, the post mortem changes in the body make complete fluid distribution that much more difficult and mottling more likely. In cases of severe staining or jaundice, I always use a dye. I will take any help I can get. Biohazard Safety: This should always be taken into consideration when applying cosmetics. Areas where you are going to place cosmetics (this includes the hair as well) should be sterile as possible, not only to protect yourself but the family and public as well. You may want to use latex or vinyl gloves when applying cosmetics as well. When I walk through a reposing room, a chapel or a church it gives me tremendous satisfaction to hear mourners say to me, “I can’t believe it…he looks terrific,” or even “it’s a miracle” or simply “thank you.” Cosmetics choice and application can do that for you and your business. When a family you have served, and served well, experiences another death, you greatly increase the chance they will call upon your firm again. Isn’t that the idea?

Need more information about preparation of the body for funerals? Contact the caring professionals at Cremation Options at 1-877-989-9090 today.

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What do you do for a loved one about to make the final journey?

“My grandmother wanted to see and talk to people; those whom she couldn’t see, she wanted to talk to on the phone,” says Bill Reynolds. Just days before she died, she told him, “I said hello to you when you came into this world, and now I want to say good‐bye.” His grandmother knew she was dying, and her last days were filled with seeing the people who were important to her, thinking back on her life, saying the things she wanted to say, and imagining the place she called heaven that lay ahead.

Working your way through Reynolds, a healthcare chaplain, recently encountered two very significant deaths‐his grandmother’s and a friend’s‐which intensified his understanding of the needs of the dying. “Though there are exceptions,” he says, “generally people want to talk about their death and prepare for that time. A dying person wants to be told the truth and wants honesty about what they can expect.” Being with someone who is dying involves a delicate balance of honoring their grief and wishes while understanding and honoring your own needs and grief. Here are a few guidelines you and your loved one may find helpful.

Dying persons want to feel a sense of integrity and completeness. In my conversations with dying persons as a chaplain, I find that people often know intuitively that their death is near. Even in instances when family members try to protect them from this knowledge, the dying person will look their physician in the eye and say, “I’m going to die, aren’t I?” Too often, death is not talked about and not lived into because both the caregiver and the one dying may fear hurting the other. Having an openness to talk about death allows the dying to approach their death with integrity and bring about whatever closure they need. In their last days, people need time to engage in self‐searching and reflection about their life and relationships. People reminisce because they want to know how they will be remembered. The dying want to know they will be remembered and that their lives made a difference. This searching is often accompanied by moments of confession and reconciliation with friends, with family members, and with God. While a dying 15 year old may wonder if he was too selfish, an older adult may wonder if her life work was meaningful. Meeting your loved one’s questions with acceptance and grace will help them find the sense of peace and forgiveness they need.

Dying persons want to make choices. “People often die like they live,” says Reynolds,” and it’s important not to expect them to be different than they are.” A quiet person may prefer a darkened room with their favorite music playing softly, with only their closest loved ones present. Some will die in the middle of the night with no one present. Others want to be surrounded by a circle of family and friends, and find great joy in hearing laughter and jokes and the singing of favorite hymns or songs. In their dying, people value things and experiences which have been meaningful to them in their life. One who values spontaneity will surprise you with their last wishes. On who values control will pay great attention to organization of details, down to how they should be dressed for the viewing of the body. The dying need these final expressions of their individuality. Honoring their wishes can be meaningful part of your journey together through grief and loss.

Dying persons want companionship. “For family and friends, often the most difficult part of being with a person who is dying is being truly present‐not just being in the room together, but being truly present,” says Rev. George Handzo, president of the Association of Professional Chaplains. Being truly present means talking, asking questions, sharing feelings, laughing, crying, loving‐the same things that make our relationships meaningful as we live. Touch is an important way of letting someone know you are close, and the dying often want children and pets to be included. While 8‐year‐old Anna sat by her great‐grandmother’s bed and sang songs to her and softly rubbed her head, the love of her family filled the room. Inviting your loved one to talk about their dying helps you better understand their needs and hopes, and helps them feel cared for. Don’t be afraid to ask‐Do you want to be alone; or do you want people to be with you? Is there something you want to do today? Who do you want to talk to today? What do you want us to do with your favorite things? What do you hope will happen before you die? No doubt, talking about dying will bring about sadness and grief as your loved one imagines missing all they love about this life. But these moments will ease their passage and create memories you will always cherish for having shared such intimate moments. The time we spend with one making the passage between this life and the next promotes healing, instills us with strength, and deepens our relationships. The one dying needs this chance to deepen their love and to face the rest of their life with courage and peace.

Dying persons want to avoid excessive pain. Perhaps the greatest fear about dying is that it will be extremely painful. For persons to die with dignity, they want to die without that kind of pain. Medicines today make it possible for many people to die\ with a minimum of physical discomfort. As caregivers, there is probably no more important wish for us to honor. Although there are safety concerns, and a medical specialist should be consulted, caregivers sometimes withhold medicines out of their own needs, not wanting a loved one to be incoherent or to sleep all day. Or they fear that offering additional medicines will kill the person. Remember that properly administered medication eases the passage into death that is already brought about by disease; it does not cause the death. The appropriate use of pain medicines allows your loved one to gradually enter the world of sleep, and then death, and grants your loved one the respect of a dignified death.

Dying persons need permission to leave. The passage into death is made easier when those around the dying give their permission. A 17 year old might want to know if her parents are going to be OK, and a middle‐aged man will want to know that his wife will get support to manage the children and household. They are asking, “Are you going to be OK if I go?” Giving permission helps the dying person know that you will find a way through the journey of living apart from them. When they know this, they can complete their own good‐byes. Find comfort in the teachings of your faith that while your loved one is dying physically, their spirit will live on in ways that we cannot yet fully understand. Eventually, the dying want to cross the threshold to the other side, and they begin to see and talk to people who are not present in the room. As Bill sat with his grandmother during her final days, he said to her, “You seem to be working really hard,” as she spoke to people from her past. She replied that it was the hardest work she had ever done. “It was like hearing an eyewitness account of someone looking directly into the window of death,” says Bill. When she said she saw a light, he said simply, “It’s OK. That’s the way home.”

Take heart Not everyone has time to prepare for their death. But when there is time, and with your help, your loved one can prepare with heart, mind, and soul for their death. Then, when death comes, there is likely to be a greater assurance that what lies beyond is peaceful and restful. May you be open to the possibility of journeying alongside your loved one, accompanying them and assisting them so they have what they truly want and need to make the great passage.

Need support planning for the death of a friend or family members’ funeral or cremation services? Then call on the support of the caring folks at Cremation Options today 1-877-989-9090.

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Do you know how to talk with children about the death of a beloved family member? Here is the second installment in a two part series about ways in which you can break the news.

Accept your child’s emotional response, whatever it is. A grieving child may become angry or aggressive, withdrawn or silent, tearful or fearful. He may have trouble sleeping, lose his appetite, or do poorly in school. Possibly, he may seem not
even to have noticed. The important thing is not how your child reacts, but that he knows such reactions are okay. Never belittle his loss or try to tell him what he should be feeling or for how long. Let him know that it takes a while to feel better after someone dies, but that as time goes on, it won’t hurt so much. If your child is younger, he may seem indifferent to the news of the death and go back to playing with his toys. This is normal, as young children have a shorter sadness attention span. Your child will deal with grief gradually, as he is able to handle it. Drawing pictures or playing with
puppets or dolls can be good nonverbal outlets for feelings.

Encourage your child to participate in the visitation and the funeral
services. Parents often wonder whether children belong at funeral and burial services when a friend or relative dies. They worry that their child may be too little to understand, or that seeing the body will be traumatic. Clinical psychologist Lyn Sontag insists, however, that “children should be included appropriately in all family grieving rituals. For kids to be shut out is wrong and potentially damaging.” Including a child in the funeral services gives her the opportunity to grieve and begin to let go, with‐in the
comforting arms of family and friends. The best thing you can do to help your child have a good experience at the memorial service or funeral is to prepare him thoroughly for what to expect. Talk about what the service or ritual signifies: that it is a chance for those who knew and loved the deceased to support and comfort one another in their sadness. It’s also a chance to honor that person’s life‐to remember and tell stories, to laugh and cry. Talk about what your faith tradition believes about life after death, and how the service will also point to this. If your child doesn’t want to attend the funeral services, see if you can find out why. You may be able to uncover some unrealistic fears or fantasies which you can dispel through simple explanation. If your child still adamantly refuses to go, however, give her the option to stay home with a friend or trusted sitter.

Help your child deal with the lingering effects of grief. Grief does not go away once the wake and funeral are over. In fact, once everyone goes back to their daily lives, it can feel even worse. It can help to get back into a familiar routine, but you still need to leave space for grieving. An older child, who may be embarrassed about crying or grieving openly, will still have needs for security after a death. Spend extra time with him one‐on‐one, give him extra affection, and keep your sense of humor. Don’t fall into the trap of silence, thinking that you can spare your child sad feelings by not bringing up the person who died. Instead, talk about your memories of your loved one, and encourage your child to do the same. If you both cry, that’s fine‐it’s a path to healing.

Plan a visit to the cemetery, to bring flowers or mementos to the grave. Holidays can be especially painful times, particularly the first ones after the death. Plan out how you
will remember your loved one at this time. Children need to know that it’s okay to be sad and miss the person even at a joyful time of year. Be sure to share your happy memories together. Take heart walking through grief over a loved one’s death can be a healthy experience for a child, if he or she is accompanied by loving parents and family members throughout the process. Children can witness family and friends supporting each other, expressing their grief, and keeping alive cherished memories of the person who died. Many world faiths embrace the belief that “Love is stronger than death.” By giving your child your honesty, love, and patience during this difficult time, your child will learn that lesson firsthand.

Need help with planning a funeral or cremation services? Please call the caring experts at Cremation Options 1-877-989-9090 today.

Burial Services, Children, Grief, funeral, healing