CREMATION OPTIONS

Have you ever been asked, “How can you possibly do what you do?”  I have been asked that question scores of times.  Friends, colleagues and even family members will say.  “How on earth can you ask people for money?”  “It’s easy,” I reply, when you believe in the cause.”  Last fall at their annual meeting, Funeral Service Foundation (FSF) trustees went through an important exercise in planning.  Trustees began to hone in on priorities for our grants program.  This is an exercise that they will continue to go through as our funds grow and our grant making capabilities build.  And it is an exciting productive time.  It is a time when trustees can discuss how to make a difference in funeral service and on behalf of funeral service.  Acting within the framework of the foundation’s four-point mission-career and profession development, the support of profession, public awareness and education, and improving children lives-the trustees began discussing what was particularly troubling or concerning to funeral service.  In the area of “improving children’s lives,” FSF choose teen suicide prevention as one of the foundation’s interest areas.  As our chair, Chris Barrott of Aurora casket, said “Funeral Directors in particular know how devastating the suicide of a young person can be.”  No further comment needed.  Researching the topic of teen suicide prevention led me to uncover some compelling facts.  More than 20 percent of high-school students surveyed in 2001 had considered attempting suicide during the previous year.  As the priorities of our country’s public-health system have shifted, making suicide prevention goal 1.1 of the 2003 President’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health, it is time to get to the bottom of what is troubling our youth and, as a first step, to identify those who might be at risk.  Early this summer, based on last fall’s decision, FSF trustees selected the Teen Screen Program of Columbia University as the recipient of this year’s Children’s Fund award.  Teen Screen needs our help.  A handful of private foundations have supported this effort.  Teen Screen receives no government funding and, importantly, no support from pharmaceutical companies.  I am proud to see funeral service contribute to working on a critical cause on a nation level.  The selection of Teen Screen as the 2005 Children’s Fund grantee was a careful process overseen by committee and board members of FSF.  Children’s Fund recipients are highly credible national children’s organizations focused on alleviating pain or conflict, currently supported by a national organization with interests similar to or that complement the interests of FSF, and with the ability of opportunity to publicly acknowledge the funeral service community.  “The supporters of the Funeral Service Foundation have a unique insight into the suffering that undiagnosed mental illness can cause a family that losses a loved one to suicide,” responded Laurie Flynn, director of Teen Screen.  “We are touched by your interest in helping to prevent youth suicides through screenings and happy to partner with you to share knowledge about the importance of early identification of mental disorders. “  The goal of the Columbia University Teen Screen Program is to ensure that all parents are offered the opportunity for their teens to receive a voluntary mental health check up.  The program’s primary objective is to help young people and their parents through the early identification of mental health problems, such as depression.  Parents of youth found to be at possible risk are notified and helped with identifying and connecting to local mental health services, where they can obtain further evaluation.  No child is screened without parental consent.  The results of the screening are confidential.  Mental health screening can take place in any number of venues, including schools, clinics, doctors’ offices, juvenile justice facilities-in short, anywhere that a group of teens is present.  The President’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health recognized Teen Screen as a model program.  Most importantly, mental health screening finds youth with depression and other emotional disorders before they fall behind in school, end up in serious trouble or, worst of all, end their lives.  The Children’s Fund is supported by $100 gifts during an annual fall campaign.  To kick-start this year’s fund drive, FSF will make its own promise to Children’s Fund donors.  The first 50 donors of $100 to this year’s Children’s Fund will have their names prominently spotlighted during the 2005 NFDA Convention & Expo in Chicago, Illinois, and immediately highlighted on the FSF Website.  Titled “50 Forward to 5,” details of the web based campaign can be found at www.funeralservicefoundation.org.  For more information please contact FSF Executive Director Kathy Buenger toll free at 877-402-5900 or via email at kbuenger@funeralservicefoundation.org.  For more details on Teen Screen, visit www.teenscreen.org.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, Grief, News, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion

One evening my father, in the throes of a long bout with respiratory illness, experienced severe weakness and shortness of breath.  I net him at the hospital door to hear him say “Just look at me; I don’t know if I am going to make it.”  His own words highlighted the deepening reality that his death was drawing closer.  Several days later, as I stood by his bedside in intensive care and watched his blood pressure drop.  I knew his death was no longer in the future.  He was dying now; and I said I love you for one last time.

Working Your Way Through

Preparing for the death of a loved one is a journey in a delicate tension between hope that our loved one will not doe and a growing feeling that they may not recover from an illness or accident.  Our society still encourages us to avoid thinking and talking about death.  We are bombarded with constant images that with the right car, the right facial cream, or the right medications we can always feel young and energetic.  Deep down, we know it’s not true-we all will face our death and the death of those we love.  When someone you love is confronted with illness or injury for which there is no expected recovery, there is no way to fully prepare yourself for their death.  As with any kind of grief, there is no set of steps to prepare for loss.  Nonetheless, moving honestly and openly toward the death of the one you love will not only help you prepare, but invite your loved one into intimate and meaningful conversation about their life and their dying.

Be Open To Images That Spark Your Grief

I have often heard a family member cry out at a time of a difficult diagnosis such as cancer.  “We are going to make it through this.”  I don’t know what I would do without him.”  With those words, preparation for the possibility of death has already begun with the imagination of living without someone.  Though your initial impulse might be to push them away, images of being separated from your loved one are an important doorway to your anticipation of grief.  As a chaplain, I visited with a woman who remained with her sick husband day and night in the hospital and found it difficult to go home and rest.  One day when she did go home, she was over whelmed with the image that he would never walk in the house with her again.  When your loved one is ill, you may begin to have thoughts about climbing in bed alone, sitting at a dinner table alone, or calling the phone number to talk to your friend and hearing no answer.  These what if’s are your mind’s way of preparing you for a day in the future when you will say good-bye to your loved one.  Images of being without your loved one stir feelings of grief and the anticipation of loneliness.  You may feel hesitant to show grief before a loved one dies, fearing it will signal that you have given up.  Remember that any grief you begin to feel is a sign of your deep love for your friend or family member-a sign that you will miss them terribly.  There is no need to pretend everything is all right when you are sad or afraid.

Talk With Your Loved One About What Is Ahead

Today there are many medical options for ongoing treatment, as well as treatment for pain, when someone is dying.  As a caregiver you may be faced with many emotional questions regarding treatment, such as whether your loved one should go on a ventilator or have a feeding tube inserted.  Talk with your loved one about their desires and how aggressively they want to be treated.  When you make these kinds of decisions together you are preparing for a more peaceful death for your loved one, and you are not left alone with difficult decisions that might lead you to questions or guilt later.  Knowing you are following your loved one’s wishes brings you comfort.  “Just as the womb takes in and gives forth again, so the grave takes in and will give forth again.”  When all avenues for treatment have been exhausted, illness-the inability of the body to fight infection and disease-causes death.  Talking about dying does not make it happen.  In fact, talking about dying can even be a source of hope and satisfaction for your loved one as they live their remaining days.  Conversation about death may begin with simple phrases, as the one who is ill says something like, “You know I won’t always be here.  Remember, my important papers are in the safe deposit box at the bank”.   Such words open a door for conversation about the time when the two of you will be separated by death.  Resist the urge to gloss this over with words like; “Now, you know you will be fine”.  Instead, hear them as invitations to move more deeply into the intimate conversation that can surround dying.  When you are given the gift of time for conversation, move toward it.

Talk With Health Professionals

In today’s world of advanced medical technology, knowing for sure whether and when someone is dying is often difficult.  Even with a terminal diagnosis, treatment options are often offered.  From my years of ministry as a hospital chaplain, I constantly encountered people who did not understand that their loved one was dying, even though that was the feeling of the medical team.  Sometimes it’s just as hard for medical professionals to discuss death, for they too, do not want to give up.  Have open and honest discussions with the attending physicians and nurses.  If you are uncertain about what to expect, ask, “Do you believe my husband is dying?”  Or, “Will you let me know when you think my mother is close to death?”  Or, “What will I see as her death gets closer?”  Some of your questions do have answers to help you prepare for the days ahead and calm your fear of the unknown.

Care For Yourself While Caring For Your Loved One

Caring for another, especially if the required care is physically tiring, can be very stressful.  For some, providing for their loved one’s physical care is very important and becomes a tangible sign of their love and commitment.  For others, providing physical care is too much to manage.  You might find that receiving assistance with physical care, such as baths and feeding, will give you greater emotional energy to be with your loved one.  Hospice care in many communities provides excellent care of the dying, as well as support for your family.  Know your limitations and work support from friends and family so that you can be available in the ways that are most meaningful for you and your loved one.  Seek the listening ear of friends in your faith community who will be open to your sadness.  Be open about your uncertainty and let them see you don’t know what the outcome will be.  Draw comfort from your faith.  While life on this earth is not without pain and suffering, God promised never to leave us without comfort.  Call on God and you community of faith to walk with you during this time.

Focus Your Energy On What’s Most Important

Knowing your loved one will die creates a sudden and vivid shift of your own priorities.  When faced with losing a lifelong companion or a parent or child, our understanding of what’s important in life can shift dramatically.   Too often the dying become isolated, with even doctors and nurses visiting less frequently as death approaches.  Even in difficult deaths where one suffers, being present to rub their forehead with a cool cloth can be meaningful for you and for them.  Dr. Ira Byock, a family practice physician specializing in care for the dying, and author of Dying Well, tells his family’s story of growth during his father’s death from pancreatic cancer.  “His illness allowed us, I could say forced us, to talk about the things that mattered; family, our relationships with one another, our shared past, and the unknown future.  We reminisced about good times and bad, we cried, and we laughed.  We apologized for a host of transgressions, and we granted, and were granted forgiveness.”  Sharing memories and feelings is a way of preparation for you both, and will be a source of comfort for you later.

Take Heart

Our hearts and our minds have a way of gradually opening up, first to the possibility that a loved one might die, then to an acceptance that they will die, and then finally to the knowledge that the time is now.  When time does allow you preparation, you can watch your loved one take their last breath knowing you have given him or her the gift of living with them through their dying.  The words that form on our lips when we walk this boundary between this life and the next with someone we love can instill us with courage, mend our hearts, and deepen our most beloved relationships.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion

The last time I saw my father was when I was in my early 20’s.  He was leaving with my mother on a short vacation to Sanibel Island.  We weren’t getting along at the time.  The details are fuzzy, but I was angry with him and refused to say good-bye when he and my mother left for the airport.  Two days later he was dead from a massive heart attack.  That was 30 years ago.  Looking back now, I remember feeling guilty and filled with regrets.  I wished for positive, loving memories of our last encounter, but that was not to be.  Over time, I learned it was possible for me to look beyond those painful memories and begin to honor and cherish the love at the core of our relationship.

Working Your Way Through

We’re all familiar with the frequently romanticized image of the “good death,” complete with family and friends gathered around the deathbed expressing their love, care and support.  But for a whole variety of reasons, many of us are faced with a different kind of death picture, and unfortunately are left with unfinished business.  Grief work is often about taking care of business and learning to reconcile our differences with those who have died so that we can begin to heal our deepest wounds.  Geographic distances between family and friends often contribute to our not being on hand as a loved one’s death approaches-even when there is time to anticipate a death.  For a variety of reasons, we are sometimes denied the opportunity to say good-bye.  And of course, people sometimes die suddenly.  This Care Note is about learning to grieve when you didn’t get to say good-bye.

Find Meaningful Rituals

Clare was devastated to learn that Pearl her closest friend of 50 years had died “suddenly” of a cancer that had actually been diagnosed several months before her death.  Pearl’s husband and her daughter were the only loved ones she told of her life-threatening condition and the only ones allowed to be part of the sacred inner circle at the time of Pearl’s death.  “How could she not have included me?  How dare she deprive me of the opportunity to support her and to express my love and caring, and to say good-bye!”  Clare was bewildered and hurt.  She began to search for ways to express her anger and disappointment as well as her great sadness.  She found that her visits to Pearl’s grave site were most valuable to her.  There she found she could reestablish their intimate bond by speaking aloud to Pearl and expressing, her many conflicted feelings.  As she thought about it later, she realized that it was as if she were making up for the time they had lost together while Pearl was dying.  Rituals, like Clare’s solitary vigil at Pearl’s grave, can help us to acknowledge some of our conflicted feelings.  Many religions offer specific rituals of remembrance for those who mourn.  Special masses are held in memory of loved ones who have died.  Annual remembrance prayers are recited at some religious gatherings.  Family shrines are established in homes and at grave sites.  Like Clare, you may want to create your own ritual of reconciliation by designating a sacred space to remember and perhaps to communicate.  This can be a valuable way to address some of your own unfinished business.  “To close the door on pain is to miss the chance for growth.”

Let Guilt Be Your Teacher

While guilt is often considered a “negative” feeling, I’ve come to look at guilt as an important teacher on the bereavement journey.  After my dad’s death, I found it helpful to write letters to him about all sorts of things that were on my mind, including my wish that I had been more loving before he and mom left for Florida.  I found it particularly helpful to divide my writing page in half.  On the left side of the page I’d write thoughts to Dad, and on the right side, I’d invite Dad to respond to me.  Although the response from Dad came through my own hand, I really felt his love and his forgiveness when I read his words.  Since grieving, for many seems to be a collaborative process, you might want to find a friend or a counselor who can listen and try to understand all of your feelings-even your guilt.  If you are struggling with feelings of remorse, perhaps you too can seek forgiveness from your loved one who has died.

Seek Support When A Death Is Sudden And Violent

Learning to say good-bye can be particularly challenging when a death is sudden and violent.  Hundreds of families are facing this very difficult challenge following the September 11th terrorist attacks.  In Rockville Centre, Long Island, for instance many families are grieving the deaths of loved ones who died in the World Trade Center.  A bereavement center has been established there especially for these survivor families.  Specialized programs are in place, including support groups for children, widows and widowers, adult siblings and adults whose parents died.  With the help of trauma and grief therapists as well as expressive arts therapist, families are learning to say good-bye and to cherish their precious memories.  Sometimes we face complicated family dynamics that challenge our efforts to say good-bye.  Billy was 10 when his father was murdered.  Although his parents had a bitter divorce several years earlier, Billy’s dad always valued his relationship with his son.  He was a violent man however who battered Billy’s mother while they were married.  After his dad died, Billy and his mom became more and more embattled themselves.  As Billy struggled to define and express his loss, he and his mother seemed to keep getting caught up in struggles that mirrored his parents’ destructive relationship.  For Billy therapy offered a safe place to remember and preserve his sacred memories and to learn how to begin saying good-bye.  He wrote poetry that expressed his acceptance and love for his dad as well his honest assessment of his father’s various flaws.  It soon became clear that Billy was hoping to find a way to safely share his grief with his mother.  With encouragement he turned one of his poems about his father-a frank assessment of the depth and breadth of his loss-into a song that he sang into a tape recorder and played for his mom.  This song to his father became a powerful venue for Billy and his mom to finally find common ground in their shared loss.

Keep On Listening

There is much talk these days about “closure” but saying good-bye to someone we love, even after they have died doesn’t necessarily require that we put an end to the relationship.  Perhaps the challenge we all face is in learning to keep on listening to those we’ve loved even after they die.  Over the years, my dad has become a sort of loving companion.  A few years ago I was driving to a high school in my community to meet a boy I was working with whose father had died.  The radio was on and I found myself listening to an old familiar Elton John song, but this time around a particular lyric, “I should have listened to my old man,” hit home.  Throughout my adolescence, my dad continually harangued me about why I should study accounting in college and someday join him in his accounting practice.  My response back then was to ridicule him for making such an absurd suggestion.  I was never good at math, I loved music and I always dreamed of being a professional musician.  Why couldn’t my dad finally understand and appreciate me for who I really was?  But now, as I listened to Elton John’s longing to have listened to his own father.  I could finally hear my dad’s longing for us to remain close.  Even as I entered adulthood, dad was hoping that our lives would always stay intertwined.  I sat alone in my car crying and thanking dad for his patience and his undying love.

Take Heart

Profound loss brings with it great sadness and hard work.  Saying good-bye for many is an important part of grief work.  Let us also remember, though that death ends a life but not a relationship.  Perhaps while saying good-bye to those we’ve loved and lost, we can also discover ways to continue saying hello.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, Grief, Religion, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion

Feeding 21 percent of the world’s population with only 7 percent of the world’s arable land is the unenviable task faced by the Chinese government.  With 1.3 billion hungry mouths to feed, preserving all available farm land is a top priority for the government.  While soil erosion and commercial development in China’s emerging market economy might first come to mind as obstacles toward this goal, the Chinese government is less concerned with these problems than with another factor-ground burial of the dead.  According to Chinese belief, in order for the dead to find external rest, their intact remains should be buried in the ground in a grave appropriate to the deceased’s rank and station in life,  For thousands of years, the Chinese performed elaborate ground burials.  They transferred food, money and goods to the deceased.  In some ceremonies, rice was place in the mouths of the dead so that they would be free from going hungry in the underworld.  In a deeply-rooted belief that spirits of the ancestors had to be looked after and ritually appeased, every spring on Qingning Festival people would pay homage by visiting their tombs and offerings.  Paper money is burned for the wandering ghosts in order to satiate their need to consume in the nether world.  Other goods, anything from a shirt and tie to a luxurious car, are also buried in an effort to transfer these items to the dead.  Since 1949, when the communists took power, they have tried to replace traditional burials with cheaper alternatives.  The Communists argue that such burials are costly to both the families and the country.  Supplying the traditional heavy wooden coffins requires the cutting of many trees thus adding to land erosion, while the scattered graves take up considerable land that could be used for farming.  The official Chinese news agency, Xinhua, has reported that due to the preference for tomb burials in the Guangdong province, more than 250 hectares of land are lost there every year.  Communist leaders have often challenged social conventions by setting a personal example, and the Chinese are no exception in the regard.  The first challenge to traditional ground burial was mounted by Mao Tse-Tung in 1956 when he announced that he planned to be cremated.  While this never happened, and Mao’s body went on display in Beijing’s Tiananmen  Square, the gesture did begin a small trend toward greater acceptance of cremation.  But while cremation began to catch on, the demand for ground interment remained unabated.  So despite government-sponsored programs touting space-saving sea burial and high rise columbariums for the disposal of cremated remains, the Chinese continued to prefer ground interment of their loved one’s cremated remains.  The next major challenge to custom came in February 1997 with the death of Deng Xiaoping, architect of China’s reform and opening drive, whose last wish was to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the sea.  Deng’s remains were cremated and scattered at sea.  Again this gesture brought about some amount of social change, but was not as successful as the government would have liked.  A 2001 study revealed that only 37 percent of those who died in China during the preceding year were cremated, despite free cremation services in may low income rural areas.  According to recent press reports, Shanghai has encouraged burial at sea since 1991.  But although it costs only about $13, compared with $1,200 to $1,800 for a typical earth burial, there have been few takers.  Less than 1,000 of the 100,000 people who die in Shanghai each year are buried at sea, according to a Chinese government run newspaper.  Predictably, the elderly, especially in the rural areas, have led the resistance toward cremation.  Chinese statistics show that while nearly 90 percent of city dwellers who die are being cremated, only 15 percent of rural residents choose cremations.  Having offered the carrot to limited success, the Chinese government banned all ground burials in urban areas and began an effort to ban new cemeteries throughout the nation altogether.  Efforts to alter traditional beliefs about funeral customs have also been redoubled with the creation of government -run, 24 hour, full service burial centers that were recently opened with the mission to change old customs and attitudes.  Still, the road to ending ground burial will be an uphill one in a China where even talking about death is difficult.  The word for death (pronounced suh) is rarely spoken, apparently due to the ancient belief that what you speak of will come to pass.  The number four is even considered unlucky because the Chinese word for it sounds like the word for death.  In the past, a range of class and rank specific  euphemisms was used to describe death.  Even now most people refer to death as xieshi (pass away), laole (got old) or simply zoule (gone).  Another factor adding to the difficulty is China’s market economy which is giving more Chinese greater access to wealth and more freedom to spend their money as they see fit,  Many newly-rich Chinese have spent lavishly on ostentatious burial ceremonies and monuments for their parents.  One family reportedly spent upward of $2.5 million on an elaborately landscaped hilltop grave including a four-story building for their elderly father.  In 2002, people making the Qingming Festival-China’s traditional day for sweeping the graves and remembering the dead-were encouraged to pay homage through the internet instead of burning paper money and arranging sumptuous feasts on the hillside tombs.  As China goes modern and the number of internet users is growing rapidly, the authorities are hoping that online tributes to the dead and even online cremations might prevail over traditional burial and homage practices.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Burial Services, Children, Cremation, Cremation Options, Cremation Urns, Funeral Planner, News, cremation casket, cremation jewelry, funeral Cremains, Cremation, cremation jewelry, Cremation Options, Cremation Remains, Cremation Services, cremation urn, funeral, funeral plans, funeral service, memorial service, Religion, Scattering Ashes

“I will never forget the fear I felt as I sat in the doctor’s office with my wife on the cold and snowy day last winter,” Rick told me.  “His words to us, even though they were spoken gently and very compassionately, numbed me to the bone and engulfed me with a chilling disbelief.”  “Mary,” he said “you are filled with cancer, and there is nothing more we can do. I’m afraid it’s terminal.”  Looking back now, Rick realizes that fear and denial were the first emotions to surface when he learned his wife was terminally ill.  He also knows now that he went through many different emotions during the year his wife was dying.  He sought professional and family support for himself and his wife that helped them walk their difficult journey together.

Working Your Way Through

Here are some of the things that helped Rick cope with the dying process his wife was going through.  As he learned from these things, he helped enable Mary not only to understand and accept her coming death, but ultimately to come to peace with it.

Realize That You Will Grieve Before the Death Occurs

As soon as you become aware that your loved one is terminally ill, you begin the emotional side of the grieving process.  You may find yourself, as Rick did, totally denying the fact that a death will soon occur.  “How could this happen?” you may ask yourself.  “My loved one never showed any signs of being sick. She’s always been so healthy,”  You may find yourself weaving back and forth between denying the approach of death and accepting it.  Without realizing it, you have begun the mourning process.  This process is called “anticipatory grief.”  It is a state in which you begin to acknowledge that a death will occur (especially as you see the person decline), and you begin to mourn the fact that soon you will lose them.  It is perfectly normal and can help you prepare for the death.  Try to accept the fact that you have begun to mourn the fact that soon you will lose them.  It is perfectly normal and can help you prepare for the death.  Try to accept the fact that you have begun the grieving process but can still spend quality time with your loved one, taking care of the unfinished expressions of love, disappointments, and care and concern that might have been put off for the future.  Take the time now to begin to ask yourself some very important questions:  “How am I going to be able to be present to my loved one and at the same time realized I have begun grieving his coming death?  “What can I do for myself spiritually, emotionally and physically in order to have the strength to cope with losing her?”  “Where can I turn for support in order to sustain myself and my loved one during this difficult time?”

Know That You Will Be In Pain

You will experience many different feelings as you struggle with the thought of your loved one dying.  Rick immediately felt fear as well as disbelief.  You may be going through the same feelings, as well as being angry or sad, guilty or numb, all at the same time.  These feelings may occur over and over again.  This process is natural; when the time comes, it will help you heal.  As you struggle through the pain of your various emotions, acknowledge what you are feeling, “Talking about things with a close friend can help.  Writing down or journaling what is happening to you emotionally can be a powerful tool.  But no matter how you cope with the impact your loved one’s approaching death has on you, remember that a wide range of emotions is perfectly normal and to be expected.  “being present with your loved one as he or she struggles to accept the reality of terminal illness has been the beginning of your journey of grief.”

Understand You Will Have to Make Adjustments

Your life changes with the knowledge that your loved one is terminally ill.  You realize that they will not be with you much longer, and yet you also realize they still have a life to live until the death occurs.  You find yourself feeling anxious about the practical things that need to be taken care of now, and perhaps also about those that will have to be faced after the death.  “How am I going to go to work and yet be present during this dying process?”  “Should I tell the children now or wait?”  “How will I manage without him?”  “Will I be alone after her death?”  Try to concentrate on the present moment as much as possible.  Your loved one is still with you; focus on helping them live their life to the fullest.  Reassure the person who is dying, whether a child or adult, your spouse or your parent, a sibling or a friend, that you are there, and will be there, for them.  Learn from your loved one’s health care provider as much as you can about the disease so that you can be prepared for what happens both emotionally and physically as the illness progresses.  Talk about the information you have, if your loved one asks.  Ask you loved one how you can be helpful and attentive to them.  Be at peach knowing that doing “the best you can” is all you can do.  Take the time you have together to try to put to rest any “unfinished business.”  While these issues might include unresolved legal or medical matters, more importantly this is a time to express love and appreciation, disappointments and the need to reconcile any differences.  How many times after a person dies do we wish we had told them we loved them?  Now is the time to do so!  Now is the time to ask for forgiveness for them.  Now is the time to for you  and your loved one to share and gather the cherished memories you have of your time together, so that these memories may be imbedded deeply in your hearts.

Focus On Yourself, As Well As Your Loved One, and Seek Spiritual Support

As Mary began to weaken and need more rest, Rick decided that he needed to spend all his time taking care of her.  He was good at it.  But it soon began to take its toll on him. And he found himself feeling over whelmed.  If you are, like Rick, in the position of being the primary caregiver for your dying loved one, understand that to do your best in that role, you need to be nourished physically, emotionally and spiritually.  You need to eat and sleep well in order to have the strength to be present to your loved one and have the energy “to give.”  A fair amount of exercise and the company of friends and family are necessary if you are to face the difficulties of each day.  It’s important that you find someone you can talk to as you begin to grieve your loved one’s upcoming death.  You do not need to, and should not, face this loss by yourself.  Your local hospice can be enormous help.  Talk over the possibilities with these compassionate, trained professionals.  This is also a time when you can share your burden with God.  How many questions about sickness and death you must have!   How many questions your loved one must have also.  Putting them into words and praying about them together can be a source of strength and peace for both of you.  If you attend a faith community regularly, talk with a pastoral or grief minister on staff.  They have had many experiences with the terminally ill and can be a listening ear for you.  Ask them to visit your loved one.  They can bring with them a spiritual presence that is helpful to the dying.  And if you haven’t been involved in a faith community for awhile, now could be a very good time to take another look.

Take Heart

Your journey of grief begins with your being present to your loved one as she or he struggles to accept the reality of terminal illness.  You accompany your loved one and are an intimate part of their final journey here on earth-what a wonderful privilege for you and a profound blessing for them.  The moments you have shard and the memories you have stored will help prepare you for the grieving you have already begun and will continue to do.  Cherish those memories and recall them often.  Don’t keep them to yourself; let others know your loved one through sharing your memories.  Allow those memories to help you not only survive the death of your loved one, but begin the healing process and grow as a compassionate human being.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, Grief, Religion, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion

We tend to think of death-especially when we are close to someone who is dying-as the end, a line that once crossed changes things forever and cannot be re-crossed.  And in a real way it is.  Death scares us, and the dying of a loved one causes us great pain and sadness.  Yet death is not all about loss.  In their passing from this life, the dying stand on sacred ground between life and death they can, as a final gift, teach us about life.

Working Your Way Through

The 4th century religious leader Benedict of Nursia told his monks to “keep death daily before your eyes.”  With these words he was not recommending a morbid obsession with death.  Rather, he was reminding those around him that death is the destination of all, and suggesting awareness of that fact should make a difference in how to live now.  Dying persons help those around them to see the same truth.  Those in the final stages of life invite the rest of us to embrace every stage of life, to cherish life, our relationships and the enduring power of love and faith.  Here are some ways dying persons teach us to live.

Dying Persons Teach Us About the Value of Life

Another Margaret Mitchell once quipped, “Death and taxes and childbirth.  There’s never a convenient time for any of them.”  Joking aside, death never comes at a “good” time, but it does come to every living thing.  Death presents all of us, whoever we are, with same fact:  We can all be sure that one day we will face death.  Dying persons are living reminders of the inevitability of death, and in this way they really do teach us to cherish life and live as fully as we can.  In that way, when the time comes for our own passing, we can feel we did as much as we could to make the most of our time on earth.  Dying persons remind us that we’re not on earth forever and that we should not put off forever things we want and need to do, whether it’s a “bucket list” or 100 things to do before you die, we can simply remind ourselves of changes we need to make and new directions we can take.  It’s possible to get so caught up in the daily demands of life that we forget how quickly the years pass and how the time we have to make the most of our lives can evaporate before we realize it.  Besides teaching us something how to live, the dying can also show us how to die.  People face their own death in a variety of ways-with fear and sadness, gratitude for life and acceptance-and usually a mix of these and other feelings.  When the dying go through their own death with courage and peach, they inspire us to do the same when the dying struggle with their own death, we can learn from life isn’t each, that we do things we regret, and also that we can always begin anew.

Dying Persons Teach Us to Treasure Our Relationships

When people approach the end of life, their relationships with their loved ones-the network of their family and friends-come into focus.  They might even start to realize their past in an intense way.  For you part, as someone close to a dying person, your appreciation for what that person has meant to you wells up to the surface.  You may also be reminded of pain, conflict or guilt that may have been part of your relationship.  “For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.”  The approach of death may or may not bring up old wounds, but it does drive home the importance of relationships.  Without relationships of some kind, human life does not amount to much.  A dying loved one turns our attention to relationships at the end of life in a way that can lead us to cherish our relationships and make them as full and life-giving as possible.  We can also learn to prevent conflicts from turning into permanently broken relationships, as well as to try to mend as much as possible relationships that have suffered damage.

Dying Persons Teach Us We Are More Than Our Limitations

Those close to death have to face a number of limits; illness, weakness and the end of physical life itself.  But in going through their own dying, they can show how they-and we-are more than those limitations.  A final illness confronts dying persons and those around them with the certainty of death.  It also, however, can be a time for courage, faith, love, hope and reconciliation-a chance to affirm what is truly lasting.  The experience of the dying person reveals how we have to accept the limits of our physical lives, but also how we can go beyond those limits in our spirits and in rising above pain and loss.  We can be more than our illnesses, our weaknesses, our tiredness and our fears, for example, and learn to celebrate life even in the midst of its limits.

Dying Person Teach Us About the Life of the Spirit

A person I know once said they believed in God because “this can’t be all there is”-”this” being our everyday life on earth.  Not that this life is bad, but we have the feeling there has to be something more.  We human beings are unique in being aware of our own mortality while also having a deep need to go beyond it.  We know full well that every living thing must decay, that we can only do and know so much, that we get sick, tired and eventually die.  Yet we also believe there must be “more,” and we believe and live as if there is more.  When people approach death, they come face to face with what they believe-and what they struggle to believe-in an intense way.  They explore what they have always thought, and perhaps taken for granted, about the meaning of life and death.  At this time they may be doing the most serious spiritual work of their lives-and in so doing inspire the rest of us to do our important spiritual work sooner rather than later.  The dying teach us to live in the “more.”  More than anyone else, perhaps, they live with the dual awareness that all of us are born both to death and life-even eternal life.  In the final period of their lives, they become for us witnesses to the paradox that every living person dies but also desires to know and love God and live with God forever-to live with “more” in this life and the next.  In another sense as well the dying teach us about life in the spirit.  While someone you know may be dying physically, you have faith they somehow live on in spirit.  It won’t be the same not having them with you, but if you are a person of faith you probably believe the dying will live on after their death both with God and in your life.  You will remember them, and they will still be present in your life.  They teach you how the enduring things of life are spiritual and how the human spirit is what connects people with one another beyond our limitations, especially sickness and death.

Take Heart

Author Charlie Walton has written, “We cannot really live until we accept the fact that we will die.”  Letting go as much as we can of the fear of death and loss gives us the freedom to live.  At the same time we cannot live without an awareness of death, as if we will never die.  Persons at the end of their lives, especially people we know well, can teach us how to accept the reality of death and how that awareness lets us really live.  They can lead us to make the most of our lives, our relationships and our spirits-to treasure and make good use of all the things God has given us.   Life is a gift, and the best thing we can do with it, as the dying can teach us, is to make our whole lives a grateful return of that gift to God.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, Grief, Religion, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion

For so long I experienced life as John and Amy, as Mr. and Mrs.  Now I am just Amy.  Amy alone.  No John by my side.  And I am terrified.  I wrote this journal entry about two weeks after another car slammed broadside into my husbands, killing him instantly.  In that moment, death slammed broadside into my life and I had to learn to let go of the one person I thought I could never live without.  I felt many things-anxiety, sadness, gratitude, loneliness, anger, and more.  As I looked ahead, though, there was one overriding emotion, fear.  I felt unable to make decisions, incapable of even the simplest tasks.

Working Your Way Through

I have since learned that fear, like grief, need not dominate your life or last forever.  When fears are expressed and dealt with honestly, they eventually resolve, leaving hope for peace, healing, and even joy.  Let’s look at some fears that come with the territory and share suggestions for coping.  Although your grief is individual and unique, perhaps some of these tips will work for you.

Build a New Normal

Three months after John’s death I said to a friend, “I’m scared to look ahead.  When those two cars hit, all our plans and dreams evaporated, and there is nothing left.  My entire future got wiped out in an instant.  My friend wisely said, “No, Amy, your future was not wiped out.  John’s was, at least on this earth.  You still have a future; it’s just going to be very different than you thought.”  Her words pierced through the fog.  She was right.  The next evening I looked back at goals I’d written in my journal.  Some were directly related to John, but others were not.  I wanted to vacation at the ocean, audition for the community theater, and work with the church youth group.  I dreamed of taking voice lessons, and some day publishing a book.  There were still goals I could reach and things I could do, if I so chose.  I could never go “back to normal”-that “normal” would never exist again.  But perhaps I could build a “new normal” that fit me.  It wouldn’t be the same without John, but for the first time I dared to think maybe it could still be good.  There was some continuity.  All was not gone.  I did indeed have a future.

Face the Emotions

The author C.S. Lewis wrote, “no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”  Because it is scary to confront grief, many widowed people avoid solitude like the plague.  They obey the standard wisdom that says you should keep busy and not think about it.  Granted, a certain amount of busyness is a good thing.  It is healthy to grieve in spurts, allowing yourself time to relax, to breathe, and even to laugh.  Yet we need balance, because grief doesn’t go away until you work through your emotions.  Take time to name and express your feelings.  I wrote in a journal every night.  Sometimes I sat on the “pity pot” temporarily, feeling sorry for myself, whining, or throwing an old-fashioned temper tantrum on the floor.  Perhaps you prefer to pound nails into wood.  You can sketch or scribble or use finger paints.  You can make something out of clay and then decide whether to smash it or keep it.  None of these creations has to be “good” and no one ever has to see them.  They just have to get the emotions out.  Through it all, go ahead and cry.  It is common to fear that once you start crying you won’t be able to stop.  But that has never happened in the history of humankind.  You’ll be OK.  In fact, you’ll be more OK than before.  There is a physiological chemical in tears that relieves stress.  And when your emotions are spent for the moment, do something you find comforting.  It feels good, and helps restore some of the energy grief siphons off.

Find New Friends

Many widowed people rightly fear they no longer fit into their social circles.  If you have known a couple for a very long time, they may remain good friends, providing stability even as others fall away.  For the most part, though, your life has changed and your network of friends eventually reflects that fact.  You need to build new connections, particularly among unmarried people.  The most comfortable relationships, especially initially, are with other widowed people.  After all, they understand your experience.  Check your place of worship, hospice, or hospital for support groups.  It takes courage to attend but it is well worth it.  The people there will nod their heads and affirm your feelings; they’ve been there, too.  These groups provide a non threatening was to create new support and friendship networks.  Like you, most of them are looking for someone with whom to have coffee, or a group to go see a movie with, or a phone number they can call when it’s a rough day.

Be Safe

Everyone who lives alone knows that homes creak and groan, especially in the middle of the night.  Movies showcase the horror of confronting a madman with a weapon.  Rather than succumbing to fear, take reasonable steps for safety.  Make sure your home is secure, and if it’s affordable install some basic security devices.  In addition to physical safety, it helps many people to rely on faith.  I learned that no matter how much people loved me, no matter how often they said, “Call me any time,” they didn’t really mean 3:00 in the morning when I was terrified and didn’t  know if I could go on.  But God was there, holding me close, easing my fears, and giving me everything I needed.  Rely on your spirituality in whatever form that takes, and let divine power help you heal.

Discover Yourself

So much of your identity and routine was intertwined with your spouse that it’s hard to know who you are by yourself.  You can feel vulnerable and exposed.  If you are open, though, you may begin to discover the freedom and adventure of being on your own.  For instance, one woman’s husband would eat only butter pecan ice cream, so that’s all she ever bought.  After he died, she wanted to find the ice cream she liked best.  She discovered two favorites -mint chocolate chip and rocky road.  She still occasionally has butter pecan in memory of her husband, but now she knows something about herself she didn’t know before.  It was one small step in discovering her new identity.  It’s amazing to find out how many things you can actually do.  I learned how to mow the lawn and do simple plumbing repairs.  I got a device to help open tight jar lids.  I painted the bedroom a different color.  For areas where I didn’t feel competent, I got help.  For instance, I asked friends until I found a good handyman and a trustworthy financial advisor.  As I learned and grew, I became stronger and more confident in myself.  Of course I still missed John, wished he were there, and sometimes resented being alone.  But I also came to know I could survive without him, and perhaps one day even enjoy life again.

Imagine the Worst

It may seem counterintuitive, but sometimes the most helpful way to handle fears is to imagine the worst that could possible happen, and then decide whether you could survive it.  What is the worst scenario, for instance, if you don’t have enough money to keep your house?  Even though you don’t want to, could you survive if you had to get an apartment or move in with a friend or a grown child for a while?  Chances are pretty good that no matter the consequences of your fears, you would still be OK even if the worst happened.  That knowledge can take away some of fear’s power.  You can cope. You can go on.  You can survive.

Take Heart

Healing takes far longer than you might imagine.  Sometimes you take three steps forward and two steps back.  For many people, the second year is actually harder than the first.  But gradually the memories bring smiles instead of tears, and you take the past with you into a new tomorrow.  You never forget; you carry your beloved with you forever as a cherished part of who you are, yet you grow and become a more compassionate, appreciative, and tolerant person.  As you keep facing your fears you will learn to embrace life again, connecting, laughing. And loving with a full heart.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, Grief, Religion, funeral, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion

As I learned firsthand when I was widowed, little else can dislodge you from the world you know like the loss of your spouse.  Whether death was sudden or came after a long illness, those of us who lose a spouse to death move quickly in the minds of others from the category of “married” to “widowed.”  But a change of label doesn’t begin to compare to the challenge of restructuring your life following such an enormous change.  I hope that some of the words that can serve as a helpful “letter” from an understanding supporter.

Working Your Way Through

It is important to remember in working with your grief that no one’s story of loss and grief is the same as the next person’s.  There will be some similarities, but each relationship with a spouse is different, and each person’s history with loss is unique to them.  In a sense, you are blazing new trail for yourself.  Being a widow is not something we choose.  It is something, however, that can be a defining moment for who we will become.  The people around you will react in different ways.  Many friends and acquaintances will call.  Some you may find helpful, others difficult to listen to.  Some may have useful suggestions for how you should take care of yourself and deal with your grief.  Some are at a loss, knowing there is little they can say or do to remove the pain, shock, anger and sadness you may be experiencing.  Others may want to call and be with you, but are too uncomfortable to do so.  Some of your friends may even be afraid deep down that if you have lost your spouse perhaps they  too could be in your shoes all too soon.  This is a time of patience with yourself and others.  That may be a difficult assignment for you at a time when you have little energy or patience to spare from your grieving.  Here are some things to consider during this period of change and transition that may help.

You Will Need to Renegotiate Everything

This idea came to me when I realized that whatever my life was before, whatever my routines were, who my friends were, whatever I thought was “fun”-it all would need to be examined and experienced in a new way-as a person on my own.  Even though I was doing the same things as before, such as grocery shopping, everything was different:  I was now only shopping for one.  In fact, when I tried to go to the store where my husband and I had shopped together, I found that it was too difficult.  I had to change to a different supermarket in order to better care for myself.  Remember that some friends, particularly couples, may feel awkward being with you alone, without your spouse at your side.  You will eventually decide, as will these couples, if your relationship can sustain the loss of your spouse.  The more you can remember that everything is different and that you will need to reshape your relationships, the easier it will be emotionally, physically and spiritually to move forward.  You will feel vulnerable in this process of change.  That is an important reality to accept.  You are vulnerable and if you can own this feeling and care of yourself accordingly, you will be taking a big step in the right direction.

Realize Grief Has a Was Recurring

Grief will come and go.  It will deplete and at times exhaust your sources of energy, so make allowances for that.  Lower some expectations on what you can accomplish in a day.  Pay attention to how grief presents itself.  If you feel like crying, for example, give yourself the time and space to cry.  Your tears are a valuable reflection of the importance of a relationship that has been forever changed.  If you can accept the grief as it presents itself, it is less likely to affect you in a negative way.  “One step at a time, one day at a time, it all became better by accepting, receiving and moving forward.”  People find different sources of support that work for them.  For some, that will mean going to a grief support group, ideally one specifically for people who have lost their spouses.  For others, it will mean spending more time with their family, or time alone to journal what is running through their minds.  You may find that being with particular people or couples is soothing.  Perhaps a mix of all of the above is what will work best for you.  Allow yourself to be as you are in the moment, and spend time with those who allow you to do so without question or judgment.  Some people may be uncomfortable with who you need to be to grieve.  Be aware of your personal needs and resources each day and thoughtfully choose whom to spend time with each day.

Be Open to Support

Being a nurse, I am usually the one in the role of assisting others.  When my husband died, I learned over time the value of being supported.  One of the biggest stressors for me following the death of my husband was t hat I could not pray.  What a time to have difficulty with prayer!  It did not take me long to figure out t hat if I went to church each morning, I was in the midst of those who were praying-therefore, so was I.  I would sit in the back of church and cry.  Most everyone there understood.  Some would cry with me, and others would stop by and offer a hug.  Some would offer to go with me for a bite to eat or a cup of coffee.  My closest friends from grade school, without my realizing it, took turns every week calling me to see how I was doing.  They connected with each other to compare notes and see what they thought would be best for me, and then would come back to me with invitations to lunch, visits or reminiscing.  My friends from college would also regularly check in and sometimes suggest a visit to a spa or lunch as a means of connecting.  Most of the time, I was able to receive this support with a sense of gratitude.  It offered me ways to connect with others that I may not have needed or desired in the past.  Now these connections were most important to feeling a part of a larger network of people who cared.

Encourage Yourself to Move From a Place of Grieving

Soon after losing my husband, there were times when I was immobilized by grief.  With little energy to spare and a dulled sense of self awareness, as well as what appeared to be decreased options, all I could manage sometimes was just to sit or slowly make my way around the house aimlessly.  At those times, it took an effort to make the simplest plan and carry it out.  Each time I was successful with the most basic of plans, however, it encouraged me to continue and address some other area of need in my daily life.  I learned I had to give myself time to make the simplest of decisions.  Grief would often express itself, but slowly and surely I allowed myself to feel the grief and deal with it, yet continue to move forward and not be immobilized.  One step at a time, one day at a time, it all became better by accepting , receiving and moving through it.

Take Heart

If I can leave you with one final thought in my “letter,” dear reader, it is this:  Gratitude is a very important feeling to work into your daily life.  Be grateful for all you have received and experienced in your life.  Also be grateful for all the possibilities the future holds for you.  (if you have difficulty in identifying those possibilities, perhaps that’s where you can all on trusted others to assist you in the process.)  Thank God every day for the time you had with your spouse and the wonderful memories you will always have.  Focus each day on the smallest thanksgiving.  Each day will then become an opportunity for a new beginning to all that you now will become!

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, Grief, Religion, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion

“If only he had said he was sorry,” Sarah explained, swiping away a telltale tear,” maybe, just maybe, I could have forgiven him.  Now it’s too late.  He’s dead and buried.”  Nodding, I quietly listened as her story of betrayal unfolded.  She could have shared the said details during the support group session that had just ended, but like so many bereaved people who deal with forgiveness, Sarah decided to seek me out to talk one-to-one.  It’s not unusual for someone in a support group to approach the facilitator for a private conversation when the situation involves painful feelings.  Yet I’ve learned from life and people like Sarah that mourning connects kindred spirits when hurts from the past need mending.

Working Your Way Through

The burden of forgiving someone who has died makes it hard to believe forgiveness is possible.  Yet the very act of wondering how to forgive can be a step toward easing the hurt.  Guided by the spark of hope, let’s look at ways to work through the pain.

Let Yourself Face the Hurt

Are you someone who tries to hide your feelings?  Sarah is.  “I shouldn’t be angry with my brother,” she said.  “I really don’t care that he stole what our parents left me.  It doesn’t matter.”  When justified anger is denied, as in Sarah’s case, it tends to touch other areas of your life.  The best advice is: Don’t hide from your feelings.  Anger is a normal response when someone has offended you.  It’s what you do with the anger that counts.  When the one who hurt you died, a sense of relief might have come over you.  Maybe you didn’t react at all-not even a tear.  You tell yourself you don’t care.  Does that mean you are heartless?  Not at all!  When you care too much and suffer humiliation of rejection, you tend to dismiss those who inflict pain on you.  Bitter emotions that are difficult to handle often get walled up inside and remain beyond your grasp.  The most effective way of handling your anger, indignation, sadness or any other reaction is to acknowledge your state of mind.  Remember you have a right to your feelings.  That doesn’t mean you have to defend them to anyone else or act on them.  When you accept how you feel, you respect yourself.

Consider What’s Behind the Hurt

Just because the person who hurt you is gone doesn’t mean the hurt is gone.  Often a split within a relationship is based on many issues, not only one callous act.  If you aren’t ready to discuss a broken relationship, try writing about what you remember.  In the process of putting pen to paper, emotions often flow more easily, releasing hidden thoughts.  In writing, you may discover how you really feel.  If you have an artistic side, try to draw or paint a scene from the past that involves the deceased.  The shapes, sizes, colors and placement of objects you choose hint at emotions you may not be aware of.  Sleep can hold answers, too.  Not all dreams connect the mind and spirit, but a dream of the person who died may hint at the soul work you need to do.  It helps to record the dream’s details before rising.  Remember that dreams aren’t exactly what they seem.  They use symbols to tell a message, you get to interpret the meaning.  When you’re ready  to share your struggle with forgiveness with someone else, find a person who is sensitive  and nonjudgmental enough to reflect your thoughts back to you.  A skilled listener can help you discover the answers that lie within you.  If your desire to forgive involves a history of violence or abuse, seek help from a professional counselor or clergy person trained in pastoral care.  The right professional can help you express painful feelings in a healthy way, and bolster your self-esteem.  “The very act of wondering how to forgive can be a step toward easing the hurt.”

Find Companions on the Road to Forgiveness

Do you feel more comfortable with others who can relate to what you’re going through?  Then find a support group that focuses on grieving.  Your area probably has a hospice that offers a bereavement group at no charge.  Such programs share a wealth of information on grieving and coping.  There will be time to talk about loss with others who are mourning.  These meetings are a great place to learn you aren’t alone in your sorrow or struggle with forgiving.  It takes soul-work for many of us to forgive.  So if you’re a person of faith and are searching for answers, check out a God-centered bereavement program offered at a place of worship.  It can change the way you look at forgiving.  And focusing on your relationship with God can change your life for the better.

Examine What Would Help You Forgive

‘I really thought my brother would see the light one day and feel remorse.” Sarah said.  “He stole my inheritance and stomped on the dying wishes of our parents.  He never even tried to make amends.”  Like Sarah, you may long to hear a sincere “I’m sorry” from the offender, in the hope that words would heal your aching heart.  You might have pictured a meeting in the future when the offender would have expressed sorrow, and you would have responded with compassion and mercy to end the strife.  When death denies that wish, you feel cheated, right?  You might try the old “forgive and forget” approach.  Yet, serious offenses aren’t easily forgotten.  Does that mean forgiveness is impossible?  Not when you realize that the longer you hold on to anger the greater your risk of physical and emotional problems.  By letting the deceased person rest in peach, you can find peace for yourself.

Let Go Resentment

Forgiving also means giving up the idea of revenge or “getting even.”  Sarah didn’t want to resent her brother, but she did.  “I never thought I held a grudge,” she said, “but he made me so angry I didn’t go to his wake or funeral.  It was my way of getting back at him.”  What Sarah may have missed is the fact that wakes and funeralss are meant to console those who are left behind.  Sarah may have passed up an opportunity to let go of her resentment by not attending her brother’s.  Without closure, Sarah had to look at the unforgiving piece of her wounded heart.  In doing so, she learned that she needed help with the hurt.  She had to let herself mourn the brother she had lost/

Find a Way to Forgive

“When a counselor asked me to name one good thing that my brother had done for me,” Sarah said, “I couldn’t.  It took a week of wracking my brains before anything came to mind.”  When Sarah realized that anger blinded her to the larger picture, she took a step toward forgiveness.  Death removes the chance to speak directly to your offender, but other means are available.  You can write a letter to the deceased about why you want to forgive him or her.  Be genuine.  Let compassion guide you.  But don’t stop there.  Honor your action by finding a special place to keep the letter.  Another way to forgive the deceased is to call upon your imagination.  Find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted.  I you are Christian, imagine telling your story of betrayal to Jesus-the greatest peacemakers.  While you’re at it, share your desire to replace the hurt with goodwill toward the offender.  Don’t be surprised if the image in your mind’s eye shifts to a scene of reconciliation with the deceased.   Your might plan a ritual to help you forgive the one who hurt you.  Consider when to hold it, whom to invite, the setting , how long it will be, and what activity will help ease your pain.  After the event, celebrate the fact that you found a way to forgive.  For many, turning to God is the answer.  “I stopped going to church,” Sarah admitted.  “I was grudge against my brother any longer.  From now on, God can do the judging for me.”  Whether you pray about your situation, attend worship services, or simply open yourself to the will of the Almighty, expect to gain a forgiving heart.

Take Heart

Sarah did find a way to forgive, and so can you.  Remember it’s a process, and like any process the steps take time.  The good news is that forgiving is a healthy thing to do.  It not only improves physical and mental health, it helps you form better relationships.  When all is said and done, forgiving is something you do for your own sake.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, Grief, Religion, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion

I remember the dark night I was driving 55 miles an hour on the interstate and hit a patch of ice. My reflex reaction was to turn the steering wheel away from the direction in which my car was sliding.  As a result, I veered across the median strip, narrowly escaped hitting an oncoming semi trailer, and finally came to a stop after glancing off the back bumper of another car.  Since that incident, I’ve learned that when driving on ice, it’s a life-giving decision to turn into the slide rather that away from it.  This lesson also applies to dealing with grief.  Our reflex reaction is to turn away from this painful process.  But the life-giving decision is to meet grief head on-to turn into it, rather that away from it.  As William Bridges, author of Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, expresses it, “The way out is the way in.”

Working Your Way Through

Bereaved people who believe the half-truth that “time heals all wounds” often find themselves with unresolved grief years after a loss.  It interferes with their ability to function productively, to engage in meaningful relationships, to live happily.  It’s not enough simply to let time pass.  Finding meaning in life after loss depends on what you do during your time of grief.  You need to give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need-even in the midst of family, friends, and co-workers who may not understand, especially if they haven’t “been there.”  This Care Note offers some reflections about grief and practical suggestions of activities you might find helpful during your time of bereavement.  It discusses internal challenges you may face as you struggle to heal the deep wound your heart has sustained.  Meeting these challenges is a vital part of your “grief work.”  Much important grief work is done not in activities, however, but in the inactivity of what William Bridges calls the “Neutral Zone.”  This is the time in between endings and new beginnings-a valuable dormant time that is necessary in our lives as rests in a score of music.  This time of internal reorientation allows us to begin to shape a new identity and a perspective for how we will live our life after such a major change.

Carve Out Time To Do Your Grief Work

One of the first questions most bereaved people as is “How long does grief last?”  There is no universal  time table for bereavement.  Grief does not come in nice neat stages that you complete in a certain amount of time.  Each person’s grief process is unique because his or her relationship with the deceased was unique.  The length of the grief process depends largely on the survivor’s willingness to do his or her grief work.  Set aside time daily or several times a week for intentional grief work.  Consider using this time to look at pictures or to put together a photo album of your loved one.  Play music that reminds you of the one you are missing.  Watch family videotapes.  Keep a journal about your feelings.  Visit the grave site and talk to your loved one.  Write a series of letters to him or her or to God expressing your thoughts.  These activities may bring tears.  Tears are the body’s release valve for the emotions of grief, which can be physically destructive if “stuffed” inside.  Tears are one of God’s healing balms.

Learn About the Normal Grief Process

“I feel like I’m going crazy” is one of the most common statements made by people in the midst of grief.  It is vital to your psychological, physical, and spiritual health to understand what the “normal” grief process is since it can seem so abnormal.  You may experience a roller coaster of emotions, including sadness, emptiness, relief, regret, loneliness, anxiety.  You may not be able to sleep or have much of an appetite.  You may feel abandoned by God.  These-and many other feelings and behaviors-are common responses to loss.  Spend time reading books and articles about the grief process.  This can give you much needed reassurance, especially in the early days when you may feel like a traveler in a foreign land.  Attending a support group with fellow travelers on the journey through grief can also help.  Sharing your story of loss is a necessary part of the healing process, and hearing others stories will help you realize that you are not the only one experiencing such a mixture of thoughts and emotions.  Hospice programs and many religious congregations sponsor such groups.  If you are feeling “stuck” in your grief, seek out a mental health professional or clergy person with knowledge of grief and loss issues.  Reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Create a New Relationship With Your Loved One

“Letting go” of a deceased loved one is a scary thought for most people.  Doing grief work does not wipe out the memory of a loved one.  On the contrary, one of the real challenges of this time of bereavement is to create a new relationship with your loved one without a physical presence.  As Robert Anderson, playwright of I Never Sang For My Father, beautifully states, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.”  You face the task of creating that new relationship-one of heart, mind and spirit.  Incorporating your loved one’s values and passions into your own life and passing them on to others will create a living memorial that will keep alive the essence of your loved one and bring you comfort.  Allow the bittersweet memories to carve a holy place deep in your soul where you know you loved one will always be.  Once that love is secure, you will find renewed energy for creating your new life.  As one of my young widowed friends described it, “I know Charlie will always be a golden thread in my heart.”

Take a Closer Look At Your Beliefs

It is virtually impossible to experience the death of a significant person in our lives without stirring up spiritual struggles.  Those struggles may involve not only our beliefs about the afterlife but also our beliefs about life in the present.  We can choose to believe, for example, that “nothing good can come from this terrible loss” or that “something positive can still come out of this.”  We can believe that “I will never love or be happy again” or that “it’s possible I will find love and happiness in the future.”  Whatever beliefs we create for ourselves, we will set about gathering evidence to support them.  Therein lies the challenge for rebuilding your life.  What do you choose to believe about your life and the future?  Author Henri Nouwen offers this thought:  “Those who expect joy to come out of sadness can discover the beginnings of a new life in the center of the old.”

Look For a Turning Point

“Why did this happen to my loved one and to me?  Is the question which reverberates endlessly in the mind of someone suffering a loss.  For most people, this question has no satisfactory answer in this life.  Some people get stuck in their feelings of anger-at God, at the loved one for leaving, at medical personnel, or at themselves for not having done enough, indulging the feeling of being treated unfairly avoids the hard but healing work of the grief process.  It’s a true turning point in your grief when you are able to give up asking, “Why?”  and instead ask, “Now that this has happened, what shall I do/”  This new question acknowledges that your life has been forever changed, but that you are open to what is yet to be.  Perhaps the words of Helen Keller express it best: “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

Take Heart

As you journey down the path of grief, you may feel you’re wandering in a dense for-uncertain of what lies ahead or which way to turn.  You may wonder if you’ll ever see the sun again.  There are signposts along grief’s path, however, that will help you to know you’re headed in the right direction.  Days will come when you’re not totally consumed with thoughts of your loved one-which will create space and time for new thoughts, activities, and people.  Your energy level and ability to concentrate will begin to improve.  You’ll be able to laugh once again without feeling guilty.  Memories of your loved one will no longer double you over in pain, but instead bring warmth to your heart.  You’ll be able to invest yourself in new relationships and endeavors.  And then one morning you’ll realize that the fog has finally lifted and you’ll see the sun shining brightly once again.  May God be with you on your healing journey.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Children, Cremation, Grief, Religion, funeral, healing Cremation, funeral, Grief, grief support, grieving child, grieving teenager, healing, Religion