Scene one: “you have no idea what I feel-so don’t pretend that you do!” Ron shouted before he slammed the door. He was talking with his sister Andrea about his recent breakup with his girlfriend when Andrea said something about knowing “exactly” how he felt. Ron didn’t agree and his anger caught him by surprise.
Scene two: “I still feel over whelming rage for the way Sarah died,” said Wendy to her pastor. Her six year old daughter had passed away from muscular dystrophy. “Her death was so awful so senseless, and all I could do was watch. I knew it was coming but I’m still angry. I feel like shaking my fist at god. Why did god allow this to happen?”
Scene three: I’m not depressed anymore, confessed Tim to a close friend and you want to know why? Because I’m angry. I’ll admit it. Maybe I’m wrong but I’m angry about getting passed over for a promotion at work that I waited eight years for. I’ll never become a regional manager now. Never!
WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH
Yes, grievers get angry. In fact anger is a natural part of the healing process after loss. But since anger is a frightening emotion for many of us we don’t like to admit it, let alone permit it. But we should. We need to in fact. Why? Because it can be healthy to have anger-even toward a loved one who has died and left us feeling all alone. It’s O.K. to have anger toward the driver of the other car in a tragic accident or toward ourselves for not coping better with a struggle. It is even all right to have anger toward god for letting something terrible happen or not answering our prayers. Anger comes part and parcel with grief if we are honest enough to admit it. And if we have the courage to use it properly anger can even serve to lift us out of the valley of mourning and grief.
ATTEND TO YOUR ANGER
Anger not only follows major losses such as a death. Dozens of daily losses afflict us and plant seeds for angry feelings: separation, distance, broken relationships, being passed over for a promotion, conflict with friends and family, the fading of cherished hopes and dreams, the loss of anything that gives special meaning to our lives. Regardless of the source of anger, it’s O.K. to be sad and it’s to be mad, too. So if anger has caught you off guard in your grief take heart. You can use it to your advantage and gradually heal the pain of loss. A caution however: feeling angry is sometimes a way to mask our pain, to deflect our loss. “I’m angry so I must be over it” is how the thinking goes. But anger alone is not necessarily a sign of recovery. Constant anger in fact might mean we are not giving ourselves permission to absorb our loss and grieve fully. Anger that stems from grief holds the potential to become toxic. Without proper attention it will fester, take root, and turn into full blown bitterness. That’s another way of saying that anger while grieving if we are not careful can become a nasty habit, a way of life. The good news it that it doesn’t have to. Here are a few healthy ways for dealing with anger without short-circuiting grief.
ACCEPT AND EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
Very early on society teaches us that feelings and the expression of emotion are somehow not appropriate. This training starts with the admonition that “big boys and girls don’t cry.” The truth is that mature, healthy people need to cry and need to give into grief. And that means we may need to give into anger for a time as well. Losing something or someone important to us should make us angry. So not only do we need to give ourselves permission to grieve, but we need to allow ourselves to be angry too. If we bury our anger it will only resurface when we least expect it. If you pretend you have no anger and try to bury it, it can bury you. Because expressing grief with words can be difficult, we may resort to expressions of anger. We can, however channel this same energy into a more meaningful activity. For example, you might plant a tree or a rosebush in memory of your loss.
Its growth will remind you of life and hope for the future. Or wearing a special piece of cremation jewelry in memory of someone you have lost might remind you of the love the two of your shared. Meaningful activity will soothe your angry grief, so use it to your advantage. Martin Luther certainly did. He said, “when I am angry I can write, pray and preach well, for then my whole temperament is quickened.”
FOCUS ON THE ISSUES AND TALK THEM OUT
Perhaps you are feeling angry but aren’t exactly sure why. Grief has a way of clouding our vision, especially when it comes to anger. Take a moment and jot down all of the possibilities. Are you angry at a person? A circumstance? Yourself? God? Be as specific as you can. You may find that you are mad at more than one thing. List them all. By labeling the target of your anger you will be better equipped to deal with them. “Anybody can become angry,” said Aristotle, “that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” It’s not easy to handle anger, but identifying who or what you are angry at in specific terms will help. A Scottish proverb says, “Confession is good for the soul.” When you are comfortable tell a trusted friend about your angry feelings. Letting someone know what’s going on inside, especially when your blood is boiling, brings down the temperature of red- hot anger. It can let a little steam out and give you an objective view of your experience. If you do not feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member about it, you might consider a professional counselor, someone who will hold your feelings in confidence. Some way or another talk it out with someone. Your soul will thank you.
WORK THINGS OUT THROUGH EXERCISE
It may sound strange to recommend exercise to a grieving person but when anger enters the picture, exercise is one of the most therapeutic activities. “For the past three months, ever since I lost my job, I’ve been jogging more and more,” a grieving client once told me, “I get my anger out through physical exertion.” Exercise-whether walking, running, biking or swimming-helps the body release its pent-up desire to lash out in anger. And activity changes the body’s biochemistry in positive ways. So If you can, practice a little exercise when anger enters your grief. Jog an extra mile on your angriest days. The workout will help your heart in more ways than one.
APOLOGIZE IF NECESSARY
Sometimes grief inspired anger can do more damage than we realize. If you suspect that your anger may have hurt someone’s feelings, say “I’m sorry.” An apology will cleanse your spirit. And it says to the person you may have offended that you care about the relationship even though you are hurting. After all loss and the resulting grief is not a license to throw civil behavior out the window. So if you lose your cool in front of others, apologize, explain your behavior if necessary and move on.
TAKE HEART
If you struggle with anger while grieving you are not alone. No one is exempt from loss, and almost everyone experiences anger because of it. But you don’t have to drown in your anguish. “There are two ways of meeting difficulties,” says author Phyllis Bottome, “You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself meeting them.” That’s a good thought to keep in mind as you work through your grief. Remember that you can often do very little to alter life’s losses but you can adjust to things beyond your control, move through your anger and find a place in your heart where grief and peace can coexist.
Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.
Grief, cremation jewelry, healing
anger, coping with loss, cremation jewelry, death, Grief