CREMATION OPTIONS

In his presentation, Vanderlyn Pine spoke about the increasing need for stricter personnel management system in the funeral homes where there previously was none. “Traditionally, funeral service has had the old medieval apprentice model,” said Pine, “one person, the boss, knows everything and is never wrong and the need for a personnel manual is irrelevant because everyone else is a slave to the owner,” said pine, president of American Funeral Consultants in New Paltz, N.Y.

Of course, this scenario has had to change with the changing market. Said Pine, “25-35 percent of your gross revenue is consumed by personnel issues.” And to that the core product of the funeral home, which is the service, and personnel becomes “your face, your future.” He explained how a lot of funeral home owners fail to grasp the fact that what they bring to the public, first and foremost, is knowledge and information, and that the future of the funeral home is dependent on this information, much more so than it is on merchandise. Therefore, “you must take seriously the importance of teaching your employees.” Many issues come up when employees are asked what they value about their jobs among the top issues are the work itself, which in the funeral home is the satisfaction of helping people; job security; salary; opportunity to use skills; relationship with the employer and fellow employees; fringe benefits; and hours.

That said, not every employee will have the same top issue which, explained Pine, is generations working together, each with its own history and needs. Pine quoted from the book, “Generations: The History of America’s Future,” by William Strauss and Neil Howe. Strauss and Howe describe the various cohorts, or generational groups, and what they have in common. Pine extrapolated this information for the work force, specifically those working in the funeral industry. It is certainly plausible for an 80-year-old part-time worker, part of the GI Generation born between 1904-1925, to be working alongside a 20-year-old recent graduate, a member of the Millennial Generation, born in 1985. And in between, the workforce includes those of the Silent Generation, born between the mid-1920s and the mis-1940s; the Baby Boomers, born between 1945 and 1964; and the Generation Xers, born between 1965 and 1985. Each of these cohorts has slightly different values, and this can sometimes be a point of contention in the workforce. For example, when comes to fringe benefits, the GI Generation may value the chance to be of service to the people while the Silent Generation values most its job security. Baby Boomers want to be successful while Generation Xers want to work hard but also might value most their days off. Employers need to understand that these differences exist and should be able to embrace the assets and limitations of each group.

Administration With funeral serviceS being so multi-generational and with the industry broadening itself outside the traditional family employees, there needs to be a stricter administrative process, said Pine. Gone are the days of the medieval apprentice method of employment. Today there needs to be a flow of authority throughout the organization. In addition, there should be clear rules about who can access records as well as a policy about the use of the firm’s properties, including cell phone use at work and company charge cards. To outline these issues, a policy manual is essential. A good policy manual is easy to understand and must be reviewed every year. Although this type of manual is important to have, it is just as important to make sure the manual is not the be all, end all. Some issues will not be answered by the manual and a good employer will be able to think through issues and find solutions. Just as employers are looking for employees they can trust,
so too are employees seeking that trust in their employers. “Employers must live up to the promises they make,” said Pine. Good employer-employee relationships are based on a complete and open understanding of conditions of employment, probationary periods, work schedules, compensation, benefits, absentee policies and provisions for termination of employment.

The Future of the Workplace “The workforce is changing,” said Pine. Many more minorities and women are entering funeral service. Labor legislation will become more protective and more demanding in the future, and employers will have an increasing “social responsibility to your employees as well as your clients.” Pine encouraged funeral home managers by walking around. “Walk around and see what’s going on. Try to find someone doing something right and reward them.”

Want more information? To contact Cremation Options, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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The promotional materials for the National Funeral Directors Association’s 124th Annual Convention & International Exposition dubbed the event with the slogan, “Chicago Style.” While the convention was held in the Windy City, the theme shifted in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina to speak more about “local heroes.”

After Christine Pepper, NFDA’s chief executive officer, shared a message from President Bush that read,

“I appreciate NFDA members for promoting high standards in your industry. Your efforts demonstrate your dedication to your profession and reflect the compassionate spirit of our nation,” she noted how the association membership, nonmembers and suppliers rose to the occasion to assist in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. “Many NFDA members, nonmembers and the entire funeral service community rose to the occasion, selflessly volunteering their time, supplies, money and even their homes,” she said. “I am truly proud of our NFDA members, our staff and the entire funeral service community for the inspiring example you have set in the face of this latest challenge.” During his address to the general session, NFDA President Doggett Whitaker shared some of his thoughts, both pre-Katrina and after. “[Before Katrina] I was thinking about some of our past years, and how relatively calm this year had been, not that there hadn’t been some bumps in the road during the year, but nothing that seemed overly demanding,” said Whitaker, whose legacy as president will be having presided over the association’s response to the devastation. “And then Katrina and Rita have certainly changed this perspective. They have brought my presidency to a monumental close for me personally. “I was privileged to travel to Mississippi and Louisiana after the hurricane, representing NFDA to meet and work with some of the funeral directors in those states. I have seen unbelievable destruction. But I have also seen unbelievable reserve on the part of many funeral directors reaching out to fellow funeral directors supporting each other,” he added. Whitaker described one incident while helping out at one of the funeral homes in Biloxi, Mississippi. A woman came in with her daughter to make arrangements for her husband who had been killed in Katrina. “They [the family] were on the first floor and saw the water rising in their home and went upstairs,” Whitaker said. “It was the woman, her husband, her best friend and three dogs. As they looked out the window of the second story of this building, the water was reaching the window.” Seeing the rising water, the family ran to the back of the house. The woman, her friend and three dogs jumped on to the back porch, which then became separated from the house. “As she looked back, she saw the roof of her house pushing her husband under the water,” Whitaker said. “She told us that she thought he was dead before the water took him away.” The woman and her friend escaped by jumping on some debris that floated by and taking shelter in a tree. The two climbed onto the tree as the dogs floated away. The woman didn’t know exactly how long she was in the tree, but she guessed it was about two-and-one-half hours. When they were finally rescued from the tree, they didn’t know where they were. There weren’t any landmarks because everything had been destroyed. “But the dogs found them and came back to her,” Whitaker said. When the woman came to make the arrangements for her husband, funeral director Bubba Lang introduced Doggett and Christy Whitaker to her. “She didn’t know who we were but she thanked us for being there and for funeral service taking care of people like her in such a delicate situation,” Whitaker said. She told Lang, “I thank you for what you’re doing for me. I know you will take care of my husband when he is found but I have to leave to survive.” Whitaker said that the woman gave Lang a hug and she walked out the door. As she left, Lang turned to Whitaker and said, “Hurricanes are the great equalizer. They do not discriminate between the rich or the poor, black or white, educated or uneducated. They devastate us all.” “This experience has affected me personally,” Whitaker said. “Those things I used to worry about seem less significant today.” Whitaker then asked all those in attendance who had come from Louisiana and Mississippi, and those who had traveled to the stricken areas to come forward and receive wristbands inscribed with the words, “local hero.” “The blue bands unite your fellow funeral directors who care about you and your communities,” he said. “These words were chosen to describe how proud we are of you for the regard and responsibility you have shown so notably and demonstrated so well while
representing funeral service in the midst of tragedy.” The theme of local heroes continued to the convention’s closing session. Following the lead of Whitaker and Bob Biggins, who succeeded Whitaker as NFDA president at the conclusion of the convention, several funeral directors who are based in the Gulf region, traveled to Chicago to share their experiences. Without any fanfare or introduction, Whitaker took the stage for the final session and told the assembly that this would be a difficult presentation to make, unscripted and from the heart. “It’s good to be among friends,” he said. As the Whitakers drove into Gulfport, they passed caravan after caravan of military vehicles and utility trucks. “The closer we got to the gulf, the greater the damage to the trees, to the homes and to the cities,” Whitaker said, recounting his trip. “There were long lines for water and food, and there were extremely long lines for gasoline.” The destruction he saw in Gulfport and Biloxi was virtually beyond description.”Entire neighborhoods were gone, just piles of rubble on a square,” he said. “People were walking around the rubble just trying to find something that was theirs. “As we drove by and we had to stop as the military was directing us, I looked out of the car window and there was a pile of scrap,” Whitaker added. “In that pile was a DVD, a videotape, a scrapbook and a child’s pair of shoes. I didn’t know if it belonged to one family or different families. Standing near one of the funeral homes that had been destroyed, we knew that there had to be somebody nearby that was dead because the smell of death was acutely present.” What he did see in Mississippi and Louisiana were funeral directors living in funeral homes, in forensic centers and trailers. Some had lost their personal homes, their businesses, their cars, their clothes. Some had also lost friends and family.

“But they were still at work taking care of others who needed their help, but they were also looking after each other,” Whitaker said. It was his mission to go into these areas to see how funeral directors were faring and what their greatest needs were both personally and for their businesses, as well as to let them know that funeral directors across the country were there for them. Whitaker stayed in Mississippi for three and a half days and then drove into Lafayette, La., for three more days. “It was not easy to leave either state at week’s end,” he said. “I wanted to stay and work alongside these people. I had become part of it.” Whitaker was followed to the stage by Biggins, who spearheaded NFDA’s volunteer efforts. “While Doggett and Christy were in the Gulf Coast, Doggett asked me to coordinate volunteer efforts with our NFDA staff in Brookfield, Wis.,” Biggins said. “Every day during this crisis we met via teleconference at 9:30 a.m., never once finishing our discussions before noon. Our mission and our vision was to reach out and help. Our mission and vision was to what we as funeral directors do best, that is to step up in crisis, step up to serve our fellow funeral directors so that they can best serve the living while caring for the dead.” Biggins called the volunteer response “overwhelming.” NFDA members, nonmembers and suppliers across the country participated in the effort. “I am so proud of the efforts of NFDA,” Biggins said. “I am so proud of our staff and what they did, giving of themselves.”

One of the stories of selflessness that Biggins shared with attendees was the story of Chad Riemann, president of the Mississippi Funeral Directors Association. Riemann’s wife, Heather, was pregnant with their third child. She went into premature labor as Katrina was bearing down on the Gulf Coast. Riemann took his wife and toddler twins to Jackson, Miss., some 200 miles away from their home, where she delivered a baby girl named Emma. “Once Chad knew that Emma, Heather and his twins were all alright, he got in his car and returned to Gulfport and Biloxi,” Biggins said. “He left a newborn baby, toddler twins and his wife and put his life on hold to care for those who had lost life. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s what we do. We put our lives on hold to help others.” Later Biggins said he felt the need to go to the gulf to help the volunteers. “[Doggett] tried to talk me out of it,” Biggins said. “But I just went and I did what I had to do.” Once the volunteers began to arrive in the Gulfport area, they rolled up their sleeves to help families. “They sleep on visitation room floors, they slept on chapel seats,” Biggins said. “Unless you have been there you cannot imagine what had taken place,” he added, “which is what I wanted to talk about with you today. “I was asked, ‘when do you think things will be back to normal there?” “I thought for a moment and my response was a simple one,” Biggins said. “As far as funeral service is concerned, it’s back to normal and it wasn’t because we continued to do what we do. People who had lost their own homes reached out to serve families. A gentleman who had a brand new baby delivered in the midst of this mayhem, returned to serve. Funeral service never missed a beat. The structures, the infrastructures and the other things that were so impacted, I don’t know if they will ever return to normal. I pray that they will. Funeral service stood tall.”

Want to learn more about cremation services and how they honor local heroes in their time of need? To contact Cremation Options, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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Shrinking profits, changing neighborhoods and the escalating price of real estate are some of the problems that face those in the funeral service profession. Years ago many chose to simply relocate their funeral home to follow migration patterns of the families they serve. But today’s funeral service professional may be finding that it is better to stay where you are and serve your clientele in your current market area. Serving emerging markets can be done easily and effectively. If you want to remain in your current market area, if you want to serve those around you but the area has changed.

FIND OUR WHO IS IN YOUR COMMUNITY

Finding out who lives in your community is an essential beginning. Many of us drive to work each day and then drive home without noticing what is going on around us. Many of us haven’t taken a look around our communities in a long time to find out who is now living and doing business around our funeral homes. Finding out who lives in your neighborhood gives you a starting point for marketing your business and possibly for the types of services you might offer, too. The first step is to take a walk around your neighborhood. See who is living there. Don’t just look at a business note the apartments above the business and who occupies them. Notice also the types of businesses that are operating, as well as those that have closed. Businesses are indicators as to who lives in the community and who comes into the community for services. As much as the people who live in your community are potential clients so too are the people who travel into that community for services. Another way to find out who is in the neighborhood is to canvas the churches in the area.

I spent a few hours one afternoon in a 27 square block area around my funeral home, writing down church names and addresses. Doing this netted some surprising results. I found a monastery several emerging market congregations and several churches that had been in the neighborhood for a number of years and yet I had never done any business with them. I was able to create a database and now I communicate with these pastors and their congregations on a regular basis. Being able to correspond with these churches gives our firm increased visibility and a chance to serve. Look around at your local schools, and find out what the population of the school is like. Students of course have parents and you may want to concentrate your marketing and advertising in the languages of those who are in the school system. Reaching out in a foreign language proves that you are willing to serve. Finally consider using the U.S. Census (www.factfindre.census.gov) for information on population and economic trends. This information can be accessed by zip code and is fairly up to date. This site also allows you to chart population increases and decreases, home ownership, median family income, level of education and much more.

NAMING YOUR ESTABLISHEMENT

Most funeral homes are named after the owner. However a change in name may better include entire community, demonstrating that you are willing to serve everyone. I once served an Islamic family from West Africa. They said they were hesitant to patronize my funeral home because of the name: Churchman. They thought I only provided services for people who went to church. While this might be an extreme example, it is worth consideration. Many funeral homes are shedding their ethnic identities and taking on names that reflect who they now serve. Take a look around in your market to see if there are any funeral homes designated “funeraia” “capillias” “jewish chapels” or “multinational.” At a minimum consider adding information to your business card that shows a willingness to serve, such as “serving all faiths” or international shipping.

ENVIROMENT SCANNING

Is your funeral home environment one that is friendly to all who enter? Consider an environment scan. The environment of your funeral home is comprised of art work, magazines, photos and signage. Is your signage easy for everyone to read? Consider using universal signage that has no words, only pictures. For example take a look at the signs for public rest rooms and you will notice that ever present male or female picture telling who may enter. Use Readers Digest as an example. The magazine comes in Spanish as well as English and large print versions. If you have a large Spanish speaking population in your community, consider subscribing to a Spanish language magazine. Take a look at the art work on your walls. If it’s not all landscapes and seascapes is it reflective of those who live in your community? Your funeral home should be a welcoming place for everyone in the area. Art work is a simple way to provide that welcome a focal point and a conversation starter.

LEARNING ABOUT NEW RELIGIONS AND FUNERAL CUSTOMS

There is no reason to be put off about new religions and cultural customs. Again start with the very basics. If you are confused or don’t understand as someone. The logical place to begin asking questions is with the family you are serving, with a friend of the family or with the clergy person who is serving the family. Review those mortuary school text books on religions; they will give you a helpful starting place. Read, read and read again all relevant material on ethnic and religious funeral customs. Learn the background of the country so you can converse with the family in a knowledgeable manner. You may want to hire someone from the community who can serve as a community liaison as well as a translator.

BEING THERE AND GIVING SUPERB SERVICE

Now that you have identified the markets you wish to serve, get out there and mingle with people. Attend family and community celebrations. Think about advertising in ethnic media (in the language that media is targeted for). Have celebrations at your funeral home or sponsor celebrations especially those that are particular to a certain ethnic group. For example if you are serving a Mexican community consider having a Dia de Muertos (day of the dead) celebration or giving out information about this celebration. Gary Laderman associate professor of religion at Emory University, wrote in his book, “Rest in Peace: a Cultural History of Death and the Funeral Home in 20th Century America,” that …..funeral directors in addition to all these other things they provide are some sort of …cultural repositories in the sense that they
know these (funeral) traditions. Funeral directors often have to advise second and third generation families on proper funeral rituals. Become a repository of knowledge. Remember that a funeral service professional is there to serve. In providing service to people from emerging markets, think of how you would want to be treated. Families are often uncertain of funeral traditions and accommodations that can be made for them in their new surroundings. While families will often want to cling to what is familiar in terms of funeral services they must understand what is possible in the current environment. With explanations and give and take most families can have the type of services they desire. Make sure during the arrangement process you go slowly and explain what may be very commonplace to you. Act as if you want the business not as if the family is an inconvenience for you. That said you must decide what you will or will not allow in your funeral home. For example will you remove furnishings such as photos, mirrors and fixed seating if asked? Are you in a state that allows food in the funeral home? If so are you willing to serve food to families? Are you willing to stay open all night for viewings if requested? Having a policy for families on these and other matters will prove helpful.
Another element to consider when service first generation immigrant families: many of these families will choose to ship loved one “home.” It is easy to become proficient in international shipping simply by reading and contacting the consulate from the county of the deceased. Remember that remains may lay‐over for more than a day in intermediate airports. Remains may be in less than optimal situations in the receiving country and there may be extended time between death and time of final disposition. It is essential to use excellent embalming protocols. With preparation, planning and a desire to serve humankind you too can provide excellent service to emerging markets in your service area. Ready? Set? Serve.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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My father’s death in 1995 was my first experience of deep grief. Other relatives and friends had died, of course, and I had experienced various kinds of grief other than death. But Dad’s death left a vacuum unlike anything I had known.

As I talked about my sadness and grief with others, I received plenty of warmhearted and well intended guidance, often of a contradictory nature. For example, one person said, “Now be sure to get plenty of rest,” while another said, “You’re going to want to stay busy”; one person said, “Relocate to be closer to your mother,” and another said, “Don’t make any major decisions right now.” After months of listening to these kind directives, I realize that I was not following any of them; rather, I was grieving in my own way. My quiet, contemplative temperament was drawing me toward nature, to take long walks along wooded pathways; my love of books was drawing me toward reading; my passion for writing was driving me to record family history and personal emotions. In my own way, I was moving toward peacefulness with regard to the vacuum that my father’s death had left. I missed him deeply‐I always will‐ but because I was grieving in my own way, the physical absence of my father was losing its power to make the void a dark, forbidding, and painful place.

To be alive is to experience loss: the death of a loved one, the loss of a valued friendship, deterioration of our bodies, a decline in our sense of financial security, a realization that the God of our prayer is not, in fact, the God of our lived experience. As a result of these losses, we grieve. Sometimes, our grief is acute; in our walking moments we are distracted with the pain, and in our sleep we are haunted with the sense of darkness. At other times, our grief is subtle; we’re not even aware that we are grieving, and thus go about doing what we need to do to take care of ourselves. “I didn’t realize how much my son’s starting kindergarten was a time of grieving for me,” recalls Elsie. “then, at Thanksgiving, when I went to get our holiday tablecloth, I noted that I had done some thorough closet‐cleaning during the fall‐and I realized right then that I had thrown myself into some major housecleaning as a way of working through a sense of loss in Nathan’s going off to school.” The mental wellness field offers an abundance of good advice for those who grieve. This material is especially valuable because it usually gives careful consideration to a person’s age and the kind of loss being grieved. Despite its value, however, such advice will prove of little merit if we do not keep in mind that, ultimately, we must grieve in our own way.

Grieve according to your personality. I tend to be an introvert; you may be more of an extrovert. I tend to enjoy cold, dark, rainy days; you may dread the gloom. I tend to tire quickly when in a crowd; you may draw energy from being around people. These are personality differences. They are the way we are in life, and they bear heavily on the way we grieve. Take a careful inventory of what kind of person you are, and tailor your grief accordingly. The advice of family, friends, and experts will be valuable only if you apply it according to your personality. Choose things that fit your nature and that capitalize on your strengths and minimize your weakness.

“Grief can’t be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his own burden, his own way.”

Recall how you’ve grieved in the past. Think of a time when you grieved a subtle loss, and let that suggest how you might grieve an acute loss. For example, I always grieve when my children leave after being with me over the holidays. As I hug and kiss the last one goodbye, I close the door, turn to face the empty, quiet house, and say to myself, Now what? Invariably, I head for the gifts the children gave me. I finger each one, recall the joy in opening it, and imagine what I will do with it or where I’ll put it. In those subtle moments of loss, I remember the past and look ahead at the same time. That very same pattern helped me grieve my father’s death. I recorded all I could remember about special moments with him, and I pondered how precious that written memoir would be to my children and grandchildren some day in the future, when I’m no longer around to share my memories and tell my stories.

Ritualize. Rituals such as funeral services are those symbolic gestures we perform to help us make real that which is too much for us to comprehend. Rituals express life’s mystery and meaning, and can take many shapes. They can be extravagant or simple; they can involve others or just ourselves; they can include tangible objects or mere images in our minds. As you grieve, turn to those rituals that have meaning for you. Rich recalls how lighting a small candle each morning helped him grieve the loss of his job. “I just lit a candle each morning before I opened the Want Ads, and that seemed to help me face the fact that I had lost something important to me‐and that there was, for sure, light at the end of the tunnel.”

Grieve with an image. Think about people you admire and who have faced serious grief, and hold their image as you grieve in your own way. “When my son was killed by a drunken driver in an automobile accident,” shares Renee, “I thought of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Her son, too, died unjustly. I thought of how she must have sobbed deeply and raged with anger, and although I still hurt awfully, I felt like I was really with someone who knew what I was going through.” The heroic spirit of others‐people you may know personally or only know ofcan be intimate companions as you grieve your own personal loss in your own way. A friend recalls how gentle rain fell during his mother’s funeral. A relative turned to him and said, “We Irish believe a little rain at the funeral is a good thing; it’s the tears of heaven. And you’ll know your mother’s at peace when you see your next rainbow.” Nine months later, on the morning of Mother’s Day, he saw a rainbow. And every rainbow since has brought a smile to his face and comfort to his heart. Search your own memory for an image or object that was special to your loved one, or that helps you bring your loved one to mind‐ a favorite flower, a memorable song, an oft‐quoted poem, a special recipe. Find a way to hold onto that special “icon,” and let it bring you comfort and joy.

Grieve according to your own personal expectations. Nowhere will you find a universal list of “grief’s,” for that which saddens one person may be of little consequence to another. When my sister’s cat died, for example, her sobbing moved me deeply, but I would not experience the death of one of my cats to that same degree. Yet, when the cat was dying, we both knew what to expect; my sister knew she would “fall apart,” and I knew I would hold her hand while she cried. What do you expect of yourself? After all, no one knows that better than you. The fact that your employer gives you three “bereavement days” at the death of a close family member, for example, does not mean that you are finished grieving when you
return to work. Grieve what you need to grieve, in your own way, in your own time.

Grief, like any emotion, is your own‐no one else’s. No one can determine for you what you will grieve or how you will grieve. You can turn to others for support and practical advice, of course, and this, in fact, is wise. Family and friends can offer comfort, and experts can guide you with healthy counsel. No one is an island, as we learned from poet John Donne. But you would do yourself a grave disservice if you were to heed the directives of others without checking in with the foremost expert on your grief‐you.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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You are never prepared for the death of a loved one, even when that death comes after a long and serious illness. And when the loss is sudden and unexpected, as it was for me, the shock can be overwhelming.

No matter the circumstances of loss, there is always sadness, heartache, and emptiness. As you struggle to go on with life after your loved one has died, you face painful questions: How can you handle the anguish of grief? How can you find peace and joy and meaning in life? How can you learn to trust life and love again? Working your way through One fateful day years ago, a state trooper told me that a car accident had taken the lives of my wife, Chrissie, our oldest daughter, Christine, and my wife’s parents, who were visiting at the time. After the accident, in trying to help my two surviving daughters understand what had happened, I realized that I was utterly vacant, unsure, and angry. I experienced deep depression for the first time in my life. In a real way, though, my need to help Aimee and Katie sort through their feelings and questions helped me sort through my own. Although I have never come up with any simple answers or solutions to the pain of loss, I do have some thoughts about grieving. I hope they will bring you strength and aid as you cope with the loss of your loved one.

Accept your feelings. Whether your loss has come in a swift and dramatic fashion or was long expected, your feelings are no doubt intense and painful. Along with sadness, you may be hit by a flood of other, sometimes conflicting, feelings: anger, helplessness, fear, guilt, regret, loneliness, despair. I discovered that it does no good to fight such feelings. Pushing them down only seems only seems to make them come back with even greater fury. Instead, I had to learn to respect these feelings as part of me‐a testimony to my intense love and loss. And I needed to give them time and space to express themselves. Only when I was able to accept and even embrace such feelings as natural and normal and an integral part of my healing process was I able to work through them. Remain open to the hurt within you. At times you. At times you may want to suppress or avoid it with distractions and busyness. That’s understandable, and may even be necessary sometimes, but eventually your emotions will surface; grief will demand your attention. Give it that attention willingly and you will make the process easier.

Let people know what you need. In their efforts to comfort me, well‐meaning people sometimes actually caused me discomfort. Their words about “God’s will,” or about how they knew “just how I feel,” or about how things “always work out for the best,” rang hollow. I found that the solution was to tell them gently but honestly what I needed from them: “Thank you, but I need to grieve in my own way and on my own timetable. Mostly, I want you to just be with me.” When someone’s attempt to comfort you only deepens the hurt, remind yourself of that person’s good intentions and forgive him or her for not understanding. If you find yourself over‐whelmed by life’s daily responsibilities, as you surely will at this stressful time, call on those around you for assistance. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need‐people will respond with amazing generosity. Friends and family often want to help, but don’t know how. If you let them know specific ways they can help, you will be doing them, as well as yourself, a favor. “Be open to the pain of your broken heart. God enters through its brokenness.”

Treasure your relationships. Death makes life all the more precious. I felt so fortunate to have my daughters to hold on to through the pain. But I know that many people who lose someone close feel abandoned and alone‐as if they have no one or nothing to live for. If you feel this way, try being with people who are also grieving, in bereavement support group, for example. As you tell your stories, you will share an understanding of the heart deeper than words. The survival of those who have found healing after loss is reassurance that you, too, can endure. Find people with whom you can laugh and cry and share new experiences. They will help you mend your shattered life. They will help you mend your shattered life. They will reflect back to you your own goodness. And they will plant new seeds of love for you to harvest. It’s hard to take the risk to get close to people again. Many times I just wanted to be alone, to grieve privately. Yet I know that my family and friends have been priceless. I have thrived simply on the fact that they have been there for me, and we have kept good company.

Draw on faith for healing. Life now may seem unreal and terribly wrong. You may feel cheated. As you struggle to make sense of your tragedy, reassure yourself that it’s okay to be angry with God. But also realize that your loss is not God’s punishment or an attempt to test you. God shares the hurt in your heart and wants to lead you to new hope and peace. I can’t say what it was that gradually dissolved my own bitterness toward God. Time? My angry “prayers”? God’s own workings? I only know that God’s goodness‐visible in other people, in the world, in myself became too apparent for me to ignore or deny. And I began to trust life again. That, after all, is what it comes down to: trust. Trust that life doesn’t end with death. Trust that loved ones who have died are forever with God and that God is forever with us, too. A supportive faith community, pastoral leader, or spiritual counselor may be able to help you, over time, to reconcile your loss and pain with your belief in a loving, faithful God.

Be patient with yourself. Grieving has many stages, which might include shock, numbness, denial, depression, confusion, fear, anger, bitterness, guilt, regret, acceptance, hope. These stages may come in any order, any number of times. Give yourself time to move through grief at your own pace and in your own individual way. Anniversaries and holidays‐times that used to mean joy and celebration‐ can be among the toughest days of the years. You may want to forgo certain traditions or obligations if they seem too burdensome, or possibly create new traditions that memorialize your loved one. You may feel overwhelmed as you try to adjust to the day‐to‐day changes the loss of a loved one can bring. My wife’s death thrust me into new, awkward roles and responsibilities. I tried not to expect too much of myself too soon, just to
start with the small tasks first, to be patient with myself and my mistakes. I discovered that the routine tasks of maintaining my job and family helped restore in my life that familiar structure which chaos of grief threatened to destroy. Maybe you feel like you don’t have anyone who needs you anymore. Maybe you don’t have young children or a job to give you an anchor in life. But whatever personal attributes you have that made you so dear to your loved one are still there, waiting to be tapped to bring joy to others. The world needs the gift of you!

Take heart The one that you have loved and lost will always be with you, in memory and in prayer, for the love between you is a spiritual bond that death cannot sever.

As impossible as it may seem right now, a time will come when you will be able to think of your loved one, and feel the sacred connection between the two of you, without the pain and emptiness you feel right now. A time will come when you will want to laugh and live and love again. Let yourself heal‐in your own time and your own way. The one that you have loved and lost would want it that way.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

Children, Cremation, Grief, funeral, healing