CREMATION OPTIONS

After the last casserole dish has been delivered, after friends and family have gone their way, the grief you feel because the one you love has died becomes very real. The hard work of grief begins now, as you face the difficult tasks of rebuilding your life, finding a new or at least different direction, and filling the void of losing a loved one. But these are helpful gifts you can give yourself.

Working Your Way Through

Perhaps the notion of “giving yourself gifts” while grieving sounds selfish. But when we are experiencing great emotional pain such as grief brings our ability to be kind, patient, and generous with ourselves is very important-and often the last thing we think of doing. Many faith traditions teach a version of the Great Commandment which is to love your neighbor as yourself.

Take Care Of Yourself And Allow Others To Take Care Of You

Those wonderful casserole dishes that others baked with love are concrete reminders to take care of your physical body. Grief takes its toll on your health and wellness. Remember to take care of your basic need for eating healthy and balanced meals, exercising and sleeping well. When others ask what they can do for you, don’t hesitate to accept their gifts to you. Most people sincerely want to help, if given the opportunity. My aunt Nancy a recent widow recalls being “truly blessed with help beyond measure when it was so needed,” during the illness and loss of her husband.

Seek Renewed Faith And Spiritual Growth

“Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted,” is a great treasure of wisdom found in Christian scripture. All faiths have stories of grief and loss. These stories serve to tell of god in the lives of people as they face the great pain of grief. Utilize the stories, beliefs, and practices of your faith tradition to assist you in getting through your loss. Many denominations publish daily devotional writings that inspire readers to glean spiritual truths from their teachings. Speak with a clergyperson or a chaplain about your concerns and your need for spiritual direction.

Feel Free To Grieve In Your Own Way

Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way at your own pace—a wise gift. Remember to have patience with yourself and take all the time you need for your grief. Don’t tell yourself you’re supposed to” be feeling or not feeling right now; just allow yourself to feel it. Pat Royalty a writer and friend from church who lost her son received a wonderful brochure on grief that she says she “took to heart.” The brochure recommended not comparing experiences of grief, advice Pat found to be “very good and helpful.” It enabled her to grieve freely without feeling pressured by external expectations.

Share Your Loss

Sharing the losses-telling your grief story or expressing the feelings in writing or other creative endeavors-is an important gift in the healing process, even if at times painful. There is no more holy and sacred act than to be open and honest with others, particularly about loss. Our feelings about loss are gifts from god to remind us of our humanity. Please give yourself the gift of expressing your feelings. My Aunt Edna a retired nurse and recent widow, says that her grief journey became comforting through sharing. “My friends and family allowed me to share how special my husband was in all of their lives. Because we share favorite memories and stories he lives on in our lives. “Our grief always brings a gift. It’s the gift of greater sensitivity and compassion for others.”

Ask For Help

The popular television show The Wonder Years focused on the importance of friendship, particularly during all the changes and stresses of adolescence. The show’s theme song, by the Beatles, spoke of “getting by with a little help from my friends.” Sometimes however you may need more support than friends can provide. An abundance of grief books and seminars, pastoral counselors and support groups specialize in the process of grief and recovery. Pat reports that materials she received from her local chapter of a grief support network were most helpful after her son’s death.

Find Quiet Time To Be Alone

As a retired nurse, Aunt Edna knew the importance of time in healing physical wounds. In speaking of her grief journey she found the gift of quiet time alone to be very important in healing and recovery. Following her husband’s death, well meaning family and friends came by, invited her out and kept her busy. Though she treasured the love and caring support this represented she also wanted time alone to reflect on her life with her husband. She read scripture and prayed and found comfort in the Psalmist’s words that “weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5). She also re-read the cards and notes she had received, finding strength in the love and understanding, expressed by so many friends and loved ones. In her moments of quiet, she found strength to look to the future and imagine different ways of life.

Remember Your Loved One In A Meaningful Memorial

Memories are one way those whom we have lost to death live on in our lives. A memorial might be as simple as a keepsake book with photos of favorite occasions that you shared: it might also be a place you visit, or a new tradition. The simple and elegant Vietnam Memorial in Washington, D.C. has provided a place for many persons to heal as well as remember their losses. You can create your own private memorial in your garden or at a favorite public spot. My grieving aunts created memorials after their husbands’ recent deaths. Though each one is different, both reflect their deceased husbands’ practice of faith and keep the love and memories alive.

Allow Others To Be There For You

Pat spoke of the need to get outside, resume social activities and allow others to be there for her. Early on in her grief journey, she made a commitment to accept every invitation offered by caring friends and family. She knew it would be all too easy for her to say no and thus isolate herself from others. The caring presence of another-as they hold your hand, offer a hug, or simply acknowledge your loss-can come to you as a great gift that helps you embrace your grief.

Be Open To New Possibilities

Though grief is painful, it can become a unique opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. The process involves reorganization and transformation of the world as we have known it. You can utilize a variety of strategies and practices, but the result often is that a new chapter is written in life. Aunt Nancy describes it as the practice of “trying to embrace what god has for me here.” Embracing the gift of life as gift, with a grateful heart, “means looking forward to tomorrow as well as embracing each day for what it holds,” she says.

Think About Healing As A Gift

Like life itself healing from grief is a gift. Yet no matter how resourceful we are healing and recovery are shrouded in mystery. Imagine receiving the gift of healing as you would accept other gifts-with hands stretched outward with surprise and heartfelt gratitude.

Take Heart

Loss and death often seem senseless but they are not the last word. New life comes from the greatest disappointments. Grieving is painful. We embrace the pain until we are able to let it go. It is at that place with nothing in our hands that more good gifts will come our way.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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Driving to the funeral home to make the arrangements after my mother’s death I was struck by the thought: Now I can finally talk to you again. I felt a surge of joy. My mother who was my best friend for 40 years had slipped into the agitated confused world of Alzheimer’s disease the last five years of her life and had left me without her companionship, conversation and wise counsel. Yet within 24 hours if her death, I realized we could carry on our relationship where we’d left off, albeit in an altered state. Chalk it up to the mystery of faith or one of the inexplicable goings-on after the death of a parent but I felt extremely comforted and began telling my mother how much I’d missed her, how she didn’t deserve to die the way she did, and how I hoped she’d keep an eye on her granddaughter Hannah.

Working Your Way Through

Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things adult children live through. Everyone grieves differently -uniquely-and your reactions and those of other family members may surprise you. Sorrow, relief, intense gratitude, nostalgia, resentment, anger and sustained sadness are not uncommon emotions in the course of your mourning. You don’t want to run from any of these feelings but certain things you can do may bring you consolation.

Honor Your Parent

Storytelling is a most ancient form of honoring the dead. The traditional Christian funeral provides three opportunities for the bereaved to speak of the deceased: at the wake, the funeral service, and the graveside. You can continue to create opportunities for sharing and storytelling, at a reception following the funeral and at family gatherings and memorial services in the years to come. Keep a journal or record your memories to share with family and friends. They will no doubt make corrections and additions to your recollections, which will cause lots of lively discussion. Encourage others to tell their stories. You’ll learn things about your mother or father you never knew—stories of charitable acts, courageous deeds, and displays of very human strengths and weaknesses that made this person unique among the billions that came before him or her. Another way to share your deceased parent’s legacy is in naming children. For the rest of their lives, those children will still be passing on part of the history of their namesake. Offering charitable gifts and donations in your parent’s name, dedicating your work to them, or acknowledging them in some other way can also be a deeply satisfying way to keep your mother or father’s memory alive.

Change Routines Or Create New Traditions

The holidays, family vacations, anniversaries or birthdays punctuate the absence of a parent, particularly in the first years after his or her death. Changing past routines or establishing new traditions can ease the transition. When their father died my cousins asked if they could spend the coming Thanksgiving holiday with our family something they had never done in the past because they dreaded the thought of their father’s empty place at the head of the table and they wanted to be with other family members on that special day. On my father’s birthday the first year after his death, my sisters and I went out to dinner with an aunt and uncle and had them tell us stories about Dad’s childhood. Many of the tales we’d heard before but everyone was buoyed by the reminiscing. “There is no greater way to honor one who gave you life than to live a happy and full life in return.” The death of a parent can also be the catalyst for changes in lifestyle and carets. Thoughts of your own mortality are not uncommon when a parent dies, and can cause you to rethink the way you want to live the rest of your life. After the death of his beloved mother, a friend of mine decided the time was right to take a job with Habitat for Humanity and move to Romania for a year. Take caution, however. It is not always wise to make major life decisions while you’re mourning the death of a loved one. Sometimes marriage breakups and job changes-later regretted-are initiated following the death of a parent. Give yourself time to work through your grief before making those kinds of decisions.

Inherit Your Parent’s Riches

When a parent dies a part of you seems to die with them. You realize that you’ve lost something you can never replace, and that causes great sadness. But it is possible to retrieve and even recreate the person in small ways by trying to capture their spirit in the way you live. Keep in mind your parent’s best traits (he was generous; she was a good listener; he stood by his convictions; she always held out hope; and so on). Think of these traits as your inheritance and put them to good use. My sister sets a good example: she became very conscientious about attending wakes and funerals after the death of my dad-an Irishman and natural born wake-goer. “Dad would want one of us to be there,” she said recently when an old family friend died in California 2,000 miles away from our home. She flew out the next day and served as our family’s representative at the memorial mass.

Find Ways To Reconcile

Many children experience deep regret after a parent dies. Parent-child relationships often get very messy, particularly during the teen and young adult years. If a parent dies before you’ve had the chance to sort through some of the unrealistic expectations you had for each other, you may feel you weren’t given the chance to make amends. Due to circumstances in your relationship with your parent, you may have felt robbed of the opportunity to express some anger, hurt or confusion you believe he or she caused you. Communicating with the person through prayer or expressing your thoughts in a journal may help you bring closure to your painful feelings and offer forgiveness and may bring you peace. Often adult children feel remorse for not being more loving and attentive. “I should have gone to visit my mother more,” a daughter might say. A son might lament that he used a sharp or impatient tone with his infirm parent. Trust that your parent knows and always knew the good in you. Forgive yourself just as surely as they would forgive you. Then “pay it forward” as a recent book and movie put it and reconnect with others in memory of your deceased parent.

Don’t Be Ashamed Of The Relief You Feel

For countless reasons-a parent’s long illness, incapacitated state, depression or terrible loneliness-you may feel an undeniable measure of relief when your mother or father’s death comes. You may find your mixed emotions confusing and even shameful. But the relief you feel is an acknowledgement that no one should suffer endlessly and it is a sentiment you no doubt heard your parent express on a number of occasions.

Follow Your Parent’s Wishes

Many parents ask their children not to mourn them when they’re gone. You may be craving everyday routine, social gatherings, laughter and relaxation-all of which may seem inappropriate during your period of mourning. But they are vital to your healing and well being. There is in fact no greater way to honor one who gave you life than to live a happy and full life in return.

Take Heart

As a child suffering the loss of a parent your first and most essential step toward feeling whole again is to be grateful for the gift of life that was given to you by the person now gone. You can continue to draw on your parent’s guidance and learn from their examples-both good and bad. Continue to love the person, love them all the more, love them with your whole heart, and remember this person’s love for you. That love never dies.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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In terms of its longevity, aftercare could be considered a newcomer to funeral service. In the past, it was not officially considered an integral part of the profession, and even today there are more funeral homes not offering aftercare then offering it to families. Aftercare has been an integral part of other deathcare-related professions, however, specifically hospice and organ and tissue donation agencies. There was never a debate within these professions as to whether it should be part of the system. In funeral service, a number of aftercare options are available to funeral homes, ranging from the simplest and least expensive option-supplying families with grief support referral information-to the most involved option-providing grief counseling through the funeral home. Other options can include phone calls, personal visits to families, or sending grief literature to them at significant time intervals. This article explores one option that might prove helpful to grieving families while also good for the image of funeral directors. Ralph Klicker discusses the idea from a funeral service perspective, and Maggie Campbell explains how two allied agencies integrate aftercare into their helping model.

Ralph Klicker

I recently attended a funeral director seminar during which the speaker talked about the future of funeral series and painted a not-so-rosy picture. He spoke about the need for funeral directors to change and to do the proverbial “think-out-of-the-box” scenario. As often happens at seminars I agreed to disagreed with some of the predictions and suggestions. As a seminar leader myself, I probably would have taken a more positive, “glass-half-full-not-half-empty-approach,” but I still left with many good ideas. One suggestion the speaker offered was for funeral homes to contact each family they serve before the first anniversary of their loved one’s death and offer the option of a one-year memorial service, to be held at the funeral home or another location. The seminar presenter felt this might not only help families but might also help funeral homes financially through the fees charged to handle the service. Not all attendees thought this was a great idea, however, and some pointed out that the family already had a service (hopefully with the body present) and wondered what good another service would do a year later. Others even suggested that this might cause more pain for the family by bringing grief back to the surface after they had a year to adjust. Personally and professionally, I think this is a good idea because for many grievers, a first anniversary service can serve as a type of milestone. The first year following a death can produce a sea of conflicting emotions. As those who grieve struggle to cope with the fact that their loved ones are no longer with them certain naturally occurring events make it an even more difficult time. First the shock of the death subsides and a harsh realization hits them: their loved one begins just as the griever’s support group of friends and family members to on with their own lives. Sometimes those closest to the griever expect him or her to do the same. Next, 12 months of special days without the deceased occurs for the first time, including birthdays, holidays and special events. Practical stressors also need attention such as disposing of the deceased’s clothing, belongings or toys. Learning to cook, pay the bills, fix broken things, the pressure to move or financial difficulties also adds to the pain and frustration of these 12 months. At the end of this turbulent first year, an anniversary ceremony can provide for some not only a tribute to the deceased but also a new starting point. This does not mean that their grief has ended after 12 months; it simply provides an opportunity to put this turbulent “year of firsts” behind them and take the next steps in the grieving process. A first year anniversary ritual can provide them with another helpful step in their difficult journey. For advice on how other deathcare providers view first year ceremonies, I approached Maggie Campbell, M.S. who serves as a manager of family support at Upstate New York Transplant Services, Inc., in Buffalo, New York. She also has experience as a grief counselor at hospice.

Maggie Campbell

All organ procurement organizations, tissue and eye banks, and hospice organizations offer aftercare programs for the families of the deceased they serve. Those of us working professionally with organ-tissue and eye donor families recognize that they have fairly specific needs, especially during the first year following the death. Most donor families are interested in knowing about the recovery of their loved one’s organs, tissues or eyes, so we provide as much follow-up information as we can. Hospice organizations provide aftercare or bereavement programs for families and friends of the deceased. Through a series of mailings and follow-up phone calls during the first year, hospice social workers or counselors check with families periodically and provide written materials to help the bereaved understand grief and loss. Most hospices also offer bereavement services to the general community in the form of grief support groups, counseling, and grief and loss workshops. In working with bereaved families, I have found that many families possess a strong need to memorialize their loved ones, even after a year. One of their greatest fears seems to be that their loved ones will be forgotten, so aftercare programs accommodate this need to remember. For example all procurement agencies and hospices hold yearly remembrance events. Within the donation field, families and donors are honored at donor recognition ceremonies each year, which offer us a chance to thank families for their unselfish choice of donation. These events are well received by families, especially if they involve videotapes of donors’ pictures and the presentation of tokens of appreciation from the procurement organization. As a procurement organization, we need to thank families, and we believe yearly remembrance events help them adjust to their losses. We find in performing aftercare with families that donor families become some of our best advocates for donation provided they had a positive experience with us. They appreciate that we do not “drop them” after they have donated, but rather keep in touch and offer on-going services. We believe that donation can be the positive aspect of a sad experience for people whose loved ones have died, and the recognizing their contributions through memorial events helps them during their grief by honoring their loved ones. By holding a first-year anniversary service at the funeral home, families have the chance to again share their grief, which most grievers still feel even a year after the death-especially around the anniversary of the death.

Ralph Klicker

An anniversary service is really a type of aftercare service for the funeral home to offer to families. Even if the funeral home does not provide any other traditional aftercare services, this event falls into the category. One thing that research in the field has shown is that providing aftercare services enhances your image within the eyes of the families you serve. This is an opportunity to show families that you care about them for longer than just two or three days. It gets them talking to their friends and family about your caring attitude. You differentiate yourself from competitors that do not offer any type of aftercare. From a practical perspective, if families and friends attend an anniversary service, they will probably not even think about the fact that you might be receiving a fee for the use of your facility and your organizational skills. Instead what they will see is a funeral home honoring the memory of deceased clients and providing a valuable and compassionate service to families. This is a win-win situation. The family wins by being helped and you win by enhancing your image in the community. Not all of the families you serve will take advantage of this opportunity but for those that do, you will provide a therapeutic ritual that is helpful in the grieving process and reinforces the importance of memorializing and remembering the deceased.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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There is so much I can’t and don’t want to forget about the losses in my life. My father comes to mind first. A man of 70 years he died on Father’s day in 1985. Recently I was rereading one of my favorite books, Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea, and I came upon the simple line: “the old man had taught the boy to fish and the boy loved him.” Strong and cherished feelings and memories about my father arose inside of me. My dad may never have taught me much about the fine arts and sciences, but he did teach this boy to fish. And I loved him. Only a month before Dad died. I asked him to help me carve some “figure-four triggers” for a simple rabbit trap like the ones he and I used to set when I was a youngster. I wanted to share this quaint little contraption with my own children, even if we were only to enjoy the thrill of seeing life up close and then setting the trapped animal free. I also wanted to give my children an experience of what it was like in my father’s time, when families hunted and trapped for food. As he and I got started on the project, Dad winced with the pain of his illness as he carved the trigger sticks. Yet the whole time he knew just what we were up to together: we were making and preserving precious memories; somehow trying to immortalize what he and I had enjoyed together years earlier, what he and his father had enjoyed years before that.

Working Your Way Through

Memories are personal. Whether it’s simply speaking the name of your beloved one, holding a ceremony to honor his or her memory or revisiting a favorite place or activity you shared, the key is to make and preserve connections. Here are a few ideas-my own as well as borrowed ones-to help you strengthen cherished connections with someone you have loved and continue to love.

Don’t Hide The Hardship

Loss is painful-that’s no secret. Memories too can be painful, “but you need to tell your story,” says Charlotte Hrubes, co-founder of Joyful Again, a recovery program for widows and widowers. She urges people not to hide the hardships of their losses, but to share them in a group. “You need to be real somewhere, because other people in your life will probably avoid talking about it. At support groups you can share your feelings…it helps to hear others express the same feelings you’ve been wrestling with. People who sign up for our sessions invariably tell us, ‘no one can have ever felt this much pain.’ But then they hear others say the same thing in the group…They gain the strength of realizing they are normal.” Being “normal” means wanting validation for a full range of feelings that loss brings. For example it is normal for even your closet friends and relatives (and yes you yourself, too) not to speak the name of the one you’ve loved and lost. Somehow we have it within our power to pretend that someone we loved deeply and intimately must never have even existed. When my sister begins to talk about our mother, who has died, I answer back that my little Patrick sure is growing up quickly. If my wife happens to mention the miscarriage we experienced just two months before my father’s death, I’m quick to end the conversation and hide the hardship. Some parts of grief have to be let out. Our grief needs to be observed by others. Says Donna O’Toole a noted grief author, publisher and teacher: “Grieving our losses does not disconnect us from life but rather, like invisible threads, the losses of our lives weave life unto life.” The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude.

Don’t Hide The Hope And The Joy

It is also no secret that love is stronger than death. That is something to celebrate. Ask any of those who have loved and lost and have begun to heal. They remember the death, but they remember the love more. And their fondest wish is that their loved ones now be at peace, in place of joy. For me at this time in my life, I have a clear hope in such an outcome after death. But I’m also ready to acknowledge that for many people there is much mystery and doubt about it all. Arie Brouwer was a theologian who served as General Secretary of the National Council of Churches. He died in 1993. Seeing his death coming, he spoke of faith and hope as mysterious yet very real. He said, “This experience of hope in spite of everything. However mysterious I am profusely grateful for both.” We too must learn to remain grateful for the love and joy we not only shared with our loved ones but may still be blessed with through our memories of them an our hopes for them. If your belief system gives you the added comfort, joy and trust that all is well with your loved one now in paradise, indeed that is a further blessing to celebrate. If you struggle with doubts and fears talking with a trusted friend, counselor or minister may be of comfort and help.

Keep Your Loved One’s Finest Qualities Alive

This can be your ongoing gift to the one you love and his or her ongoing gift to the world. At the burial rite for my father, friends and family were solemnly filing by the casket, giving a final blessing. Some stopped to offer a handshake, a hug, or a word of comfort to our grieving family. “There will never be another one like him,” I offered to one of my dearest friends. Her response was a simple: “you’re just like him.” I’ve never forgotten those beautiful, spontaneous words. And I try to live by them, difficult as it is for me. “Imitation is the highest form of flattery,” goes the saying. The greatest lessons our loved ones have taught us can be beautifully and repeatedly shared. We pay great honor to our loved one’s finest qualities by trying to live and act on them in and through your own live. You knew your loved one well. Ask yourself: what were the special traits and virtues you learned from her or him that you can help perpetuate by actively developing and sharing them? The world needs all it can get of the good and unique things you loved one possessed and shared. These traits now belong to you-and to the ages-if you act to keep them alive. What a tribute and testament! What a gift to the world!

Use Simple Ceremony And Ritual

Ceremony and ritual are especially helpful for remembering our loved ones. “Whenever we experience a transition, happy or sad, a ceremony helps us re-center ourselves by making a symbolic statement about that change,” writes Lynda Paladin in Ceremonies for Charge. Betty Hopf a sister of Providence and a chaplain with a special gift for grief ministry, gives workshops on remembering. “It is more painful to try to forget than to remember,” she says. Here are just a sampling of her ideas and suggestions. Bring a favorite picture of your deceased loved one to a family gathering and explain why it’s special to you, what memories it brings to mind for you. Others often will chime in with their memories. Visit the cemetery as a group and bring a flower that symbolizes some special trait about your loved one. “Mary taught me to stop and smell the roses”; “John brought new life and sunshine to so many.” Invent your own simple rituals, individually or together with family and close friends.

Take Heart

In the Angel Who Forgot, Elisa Barton tells the story of an angel who can heal ailing children. The angel loses his beloved pony in the forest and is so sad he can’t bear to remember it. To stop the hurt the angel throws all his memories away. But now he can’t remember how to help others and cannot heal a young child who needs him. With the help of a wise parent, the angel’s memories are recovered and the angel once again is whole, once again able to heal others. Heal and be healed. Remember.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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Cremation creates a special pain unique to each survivor. Yet death that comes without warning can leave an especially terrible grief. Such a sudden and instant loss of a loved one is devastating in its impact. Initially you feel only shock and numbness. This can’t be true! You imagine waking from this nightmare to find the world still filled with all the people you love. This feeling of unreality can persist even after the rituals surrounding the death. Especially if your loved one met with violent death, you find your sadness and rage at this senseless injustice too great for your spirit to contain. You feel overwhelmingly guilty at not having been able to protect your loved one, however unrealistic such thoughts might be. You feel extremely vulnerable and powerless. The depth and chaos of your feelings may even convince you that you are “going crazy.”

Working Your Way Through

Your experience of grief after an unexpected death can be so terribly agonizing that you feel powerless to stop its flow. Yet though it may not seem possible at the moment, you can work through your grief—moving beyond the trauma of the loss of your love while still preserving the bond between you.

Don’t Be Afraid Of Your Feelings

Losing a loved one often evokes emotions the survivor has never felt before. Especially because of the circumstances of the death you are mourning, the feelings of grief will be some of the most intense you will ever encounter. These are not the feelings you ordinarily experience in everyday life. As you feel intense emotion—sadness, anger and possibly even revenge, fear, loss of control—you may think your reactions are abnormal. While your emotions may be very strong and enduring, they are nonetheless a normal part of the acute grief associated with an unanticipated death.

Bring Closure To Unfinished Business

Following the unexpected loss of a loved one, you may have a need to bring closure to your relationship with that person. Thoughts and feelings you never fully shared with the deceased fill you with a sense of incompleteness. If this sense of incompleteness continues, you need to address your unfulfilled relationship. In order to articulate your thoughts and feelings, you might try writing letters to the person who has died, keeping a personal journal or speaking directly to the lost loved one. Such activities can help you to resolve the unexpressed feelings that can be so pronounced following a sudden death.

Find Support Through Sharing

In the darkness of despair, you might forget that there really are others who care for you if you will let them. You may not want others to see you distraught. If you reveal the magnitude of your loss to those close to you, you fear you will bring them pain as they see you suffer. So you might tend to isolate yourself, seeking to conceal your grief. Yet the supportive presence of those who live on and care about you can be your greatest source of healing. Try to set aside any natural reluctance to reveal personal pain, and allow your circle of caring friends and family to gather round you in this time of critical need. “The measure of life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation.” You will experience a liberation of your emotions when you outwardly express your inner most fears and agony. Such sharing not only eases the pain, but also rebuilds your trust in loving relationships with others.

Be Patient With Yourself

When something hurts so deeply, it’s natural to seek relief. You want to escape from the continuing endurance test that the struggle with grief imposes. Yet despite your best efforts, the slow and agonizing process of grief may seem to continue unabated, and you become desperate and frustrated with the unrelenting sameness of your hurt. Again you might begin to worry something is wrong with you, fearing you have gone beyond normal limits and lost control. Grief however is a process that does not end quickly or automatically—or even predictably. The fault is not in you. When you find yourself doubting your capacity to recover be patient and realize that the grief process while lengthy ultimately does provide relief.

Seek New Routines

The memories of the one you have lost will be with you throughout your life. The dates, places, and bits from the past that remind you of your loved one will continue to have the power to evoke your grief. Yet as painful as these connections may be now, they will slowly merge into a blend of pleasurable remembrances and poignant reminders. Over time the reminders will gradually decrease, though the ones that remain may still at times rekindle your pain with the same intensity as in the early phases of grief. On the most difficult days, try to establish some new routines. The changes need not be radical. The addition of new rituals or activities of new rituals or activities during the holidays or on the days filled with special meaning can help you to maintain the memory of your loved one while still embarking on a new chapter in your life.

Let Yourself Feel Good Again

You may have trouble imagining that you could ever feel joy again. It almost seems wrong to laugh, have fun, or enjoy life when someone you love has died. Some people even feel that they must suffer in order to prove how much they cared for the one who is gone. Happiness is never a betrayal of love, however. Remind yourself of your reasons for living. You have a future worth enduring for, and you are allowed to feel a renewed sense of purpose and pleasure in your life. Because you feel so diminished by the death of the one you loved, you may think you have nothing to offer to those around you. Yet your experience is of immeasurable value. You now know the powerful truth of what it is to feel the pain of the loss of love. You are especially able now to minister to others who face the same devastating loss. You also hold the precious knowledge of how important love can be and how vital it is as a source of joy in life—yet how easy it is to take love for granted and overlook the abundance of love that surrounds you. Sharing that truth can enlarge the lives of everyone.

Draw Upon The Power Of Prayer

In your struggle with loss you may sometimes feel as though you are completely alone. Yet no matter how abandoned you feel god is present in your life. God has never stopped loving you or the one who died. God is not passively observing your agony. God feels the depth of your pain. God wants to share your burden of sorrow and guide you along the pathway to healing. In prayer you can express your sense of desperate loss your anger at the injustice of this sudden death, your helplessness and your need for god’s healing. Within your covenant with god, you can share the darkest despair and anger and hurt in your heart and let god lead you to hope and understanding and peace.

Take Heart

As agonizing as life’s journey is right now without your loved one, the path to adjustment will slowly become a kinder walk. Take comfort in realizing that the pain of your loss would not be so intense if your love had not been so strong. Take heart in knowing how deeply you loved in the time you had together. Gradually replace thoughts of loss with memories of love. Recall as many moments of pleasure as moments of pain. Coming to terms with your grief in this way does not mean you will forget your loved one. You will have that person with you forever a part of you will always remain connected to that person that time. Yet there is much to do with the rest of your life. Take hope in knowing that the lessons of loss will lead to a fuller understanding of the meaning of life.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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The days after the funerals of a loved one are some of the most difficult of your life. First you had to endure your loved one’s death. Then you had to go through the funeral, which may have been just as hard. Now you have to face the days and weeks ahead when feelings of sadness, loss and a new kind of loneliness are your daily companions. What can you do to help yourself deal with the shock, fear and emptiness of these days? Where can you turn at such a difficult time?

Working Your Way Through

You can turn to prayer. One of faith’s enduring messages is that God is with us always. By praying we remind ourselves of that truth. Especially now God will draw close to you. As a psalm says: “The lord is near to the broken-hearted” (psalm 34). With God at your side you can pray your way through these most difficult days.

Pray For The Presence Of God

In the first days after the funeral the absence of your loved one can leave you feeling more alone than you’ve ever felt before. Even if relatives and friends stay with you or continue to be part of your life, there doesn’t seem to be anything to fill the emptiness left by the events of the past few days. Nothing can substitute for the presence of your loved one. But you can turn to God in this time of loneliness. Though God is always present, by praying you invite God into your emptiness and loss in a special way. God is your companion in grief-not necessarily to take it away, but to be with you as one who knows how deeply you sadness runs. God is there to comfort you with compassion that never runs out. Besides praying on your own, another way to feel less alone to pray with others-if you’re comfortable doing so-whether with family or friends, in a prayer group, or with a faith community. You may be surprised how much praying with others can help you know you are not alone and give you the support to believe you can go on. Your loved one’s life touched others and prayer can also be a way to keep in mind others who are grieving your loved one. Your heightened sensitivity to loss at this time can also give you a new awareness of how many others are grieving similar losses all around you. A friend says that it was only on the first Mother’s Day after his mother’s death that he realized how painful it is for someone who has recently lost a parent to hear commercials with messages like, “Be sure to let your dad know how much he means to you,” or “Have you called your mom today?” “If only I could,” my friend thought to himself and he realized how many others must feel the same way as they walked past supermarket aisles full of gifts and greeting cards.

Take Your Grief To God

While it’s not easy for everyone to share their grief for many it helps to express the intense sadness and loss of these difficult days. Prayer can be a way to do that. Scripture is one place to turn to find words that give voice to your grief. For someone who is grieving the psalms are some of the best prayers of all. God can give you words when words seem to fail: “How long o Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I bear pain in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all day long? (Psalm 13:1-2). To call out in the darkness of your grief: “in my distress I cry to the lord, that he may answer me” (Psalm 120:1). To hear the promise that life is stronger than death: “I believe that I shall see the goodness of the lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13). You can also pray with the words of the apostle Paul: “Likewise the spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God who searches the heart knows what is the mind of the spirit because the spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God” (Romans 8:26-27). God knows the depths of your heart and you can speak with God from those depths. God hears your prayers however you make them-formal or spontaneous, traditional or not. It can be a tremendously freeing experience to pray to God in your own words. For some people this kind of prayer comes easily. For others who are perhaps more used to formal prayers it might be harder. Either way you can talk with god as you would to a friend or even say things to God you might never share with another person.

Pray For God’s Blessings

In the weeks and months to come you and your loved ones will have many challenges to face. Just as you have to reshape your emotional life in light of your loss so too you also have to deal with wills and inheritance issues, insurance, pensions, taxes, property and other matters. You’ll also have to get through the often painful adjustments in routines and family relationships in the wake of your loss. These responsibilities while necessary are also an ongoing reminder of your loss. Having to change a bank account, go through a closet, or open a piece of mail addressed to your loved one can bring the shock and sadness of your loss back to you in a rush. For example, my grandparents had two closets: one for her clothes and one for his. After my grandfather died, my grandmother simply could not bring herself to go through my grandfather’s closet. But you are not alone and your greatest helper is God. Pray for the strength you need to get through these difficult times and also for the gift of forgiving yourself when you just can’t do something or can only do so much. By praying in this way you are asking for God’s blessing on the things you have to do and also helping yourself accept and set healthy limits without guilt.

Pray For Guidance

Besides praying for God’s loving care for you and your family, maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is not to move too fast. Your sense of shock may leave you feeling as if you don’t know what to do next. You might be in the grip of a fear that paralyzes you unsure of what the future will hold and whether you will be able to cope with it. Pray for acceptance of how you feel and not to think you have to feel differently right away. And pray for courage to face life after your loss. When Jesus was near the end of his earthly life he prayed for both acceptance and courage. “Father if you are willing remove this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done. Then an angel from heaven appeared to him and gave him strength” (Luke 22:42-43). In facing his own death and loneliness Jesus expressed his fear asked for help and received comfort.

Give Thanks

The things you have to do my feel overwhelming. Your feelings of loss and pain can be just as overwhelming. It’s easy to think you have very little to be thankful for. One way to find a ray of hope is to look for the places where you can be thankful even in small ways. You can start with gratitude for the life of the person you have lost. Remember what your loved one has meant to you and others. Give thanks to God in prayer for the gift of their life and the time you had together. Take your gratitude to God as well for all the people who have supported you in these difficult days: doctors and nurses, hospice staff, funeral directors, friends, neighbors and others. Put these people on a prayer list and says a prayer of thanks for the care and generosity they have shown you.

Take Heart

Be assured in these difficult days after the funeral of your loved one that God knows your sadness and fears, your loneliness and feelings of being lost. In prayer you can give thanks for the light that continues in your life, and for courage and acceptance to face the shadows. God will bless you and keep you, support you, and hear your prayers.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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Cremation services: then your world has fallen apart…but your life goes on. You wonder how you will ever get through the succession of joyless days you see lining the path ahead of you. You wonder how you will get through the next moment, your distress is so great. Perhaps you are facing the death of someone you love, a painful loss of a job or a home, a divorce, and injury or illness, bankruptcy or the revelation of some shocking unwanted news. You may feel your life has been so overturned you worry how you will survive. To whom can you turn for comfort? What resources can you draw upon? Are there coping strategies that you can learn? Is there any way to bypass grief and sorrow?

Working Your Way Through

No, there is no way to bypass grief and sorrow when tragedy strikes your life. You can gradually recover from this devastation, however and even grow stronger in the process. Following are some suggestions drawn from people who have survived trauma and loss, along with guidelines developed by professionals who have worked with survivors. What they have learned may help to facilitate your own healing process.

Allow Yourself To Grieve

It is a myth that grieving feeds pain. You must fully experience your grief if you are to be fully healed. The purpose of grieving is to help you get to the point where you can remember without the pain. Grieving means letting yourself feel the anguish—not suppressing it. It means sharing it, talking about it, crying about it, and allowing yourself to go through the various stages that grief encompasses—which may include shock, denial, guilt, anger, depression and finally acceptance of the situation and moving on to the next phase of life. If you refuse to acknowledge the extent of the disruption in your life and the resulting losses and pain, you are in a stage of denial. Observe your own patterns of denial, of escape and also of coping. Do you lose yourself in sleep, drugs, alcohol, food, general busyness, superficial platitudes, exercise, espousing good causes, helping other people? Which are healthy coping strategies, and which do you want to let go of? Unexpressed sorrow may come out in physical symptoms, depression or in the inhibition of other emotions such as love and joy. You cannot choose to shut down a particular segment on the continuum of your emotions without risking shutting down a much larger portion of your personality. So allow yourself to feel and to express your feelings. Painful though that may be, eventually you will come through the experience more alive, without deadening your capacity to feel. Someone who has suffered a tragedy naturally thinks in terms of “what if….?” And “if only I’d….” Take some time to sort out the real scope of your responsibility. Make amends where you can for any lapses or mistakes, and forgive yourself when atonement is impossible. Staying stuck in guilt will only cloud the issues and block you from making wise, objective decisions.

Seek Help From A Friend

One of the most basic human fears is the fear of abandonment. According to Robert L. Veninga in a gift of hope, “Stripped of all its other definitions, a friendship affirms that we will not be abandoned.” He goes on the say that “the first gift of friendship is companionship, which is the knowledge that one will not be abandoned. The second is a gift of hope. A good friendship affirms that good things can still take place no matter what the magnitude of the loss.” “Hope puts is in a working mood whilst despair is no muse, and untunes our creative powers.” A friend is a present you give yourself—and you need gifts when you are suffering. You need someone who will listen nonjudgmentally to your negative as well as positive feelings, someone who will patiently hear you repeat what you need to say over and over again.

Consult Experts To Help You Care For Yourself

Take care of yourself—physically, emotionally, spiritually. Seek help from your clergy person and your faith community for a spiritual crisis or simply for emotional support. Because traumatic periods in life can be extremely physically stressful, you need to pay special attention to your health, and may want to see your doctor for a checkup. You might also want to consider psychological counseling. Although friends and family can be wonderfully supportive, they have strong ties with you, which disqualifies them from doing therapy with you since they have an emotional stake in your life. In a relationship with a professional counselor, the focus is on you. Because the counselor is not emotionally involved, he or she can manage the counseling process in your best interest. Sessions can help you to cope better with your problem and to set goals for personal growth.

Cultivate Hope

Norman Cousins describes the will to live as the “ignition system to the motor that turns on the voltage and sets the stage for progress.” Now is the time to rekindle your will and purpose by reviewing what you have in your life that has, or could have, meaning. Do you have people whom you care about deeply? Can you motivate yourself to take better care of yourself? Are you willing to examine your inner dialogue and work on turning any negative messages into more positive ones? Develop an awareness of what is healing for you. Treat yourself to walks in the woods or by the sea. Immersing yourself in the natural world can restore a sense of the beauty and power and order of creation and your unique place in it. Shore up your faith life by exploring different approaches to prayer and meditation and reading inspirational writings. You will find what adversity is a gentle teacher, guiding you to a greater perspective on life and illumination lasting values. You will learn what’s really important and will be more prone to concentrate on the spiritual and intellectual than on the passing and the petty. Though god may seem hard to reach in your present state of mind, try to be receptive to the divine presence, allowing god to reach you. God’s love can be a powerful force in your healing, guiding your response to crisis from despair to hope. Where human efforts fall short, god will take up with you and accompany you faithfully on your journey from darkness to light.

Let Go Of The Past

There is a time to grieve and a time to let go. Appreciating what you have in the present depends on your ability, at some point to relinquish the pain of the past. When reviewing your losses is no longer helpful, you need to take control of your response to the crisis. Often survivors can identify a turning point—a revelation that they can still find joy in daily life, or appreciate beauty, or be of help to others. Taking action may precipitate such a pivotal point: when you force yourself to read an article or book, go to a counselor, unburden yourself to a friend, write a thank you note, or become assertive with your insurance company. Staying passive fuels depression while taking action raises your self esteem and generates feelings of power and hope. Learn what you can from your adversity then move on to find new purpose. If you can find meaning in your suffering so much the better. Perhaps someday you will be able to translate your suffering into ways to help those who are going through the same trauma. The ill people who lead support groups of others suffering from the same affliction the bereaved mothers who started MADD (mothers against drunk driving), the crime victims who work with NOVA (national organization for victim assistance)—these have found the ideal way of helping themselves by helping others.

Take Heart

Be encouraged for you can take control of your response to tragedy. Not all at once and not without relapses, but in time you can view crisis as an opportunity for learning and growth. You will rekindle hope and faith and move confidently into a new chapter of your life. And your new life will be especially rewarding for you will have discovered and developed resources within yourself that you never knew existed.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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Four months after my husband died, I received a Christmas card that had an added handwritten note: “May this be your best Christmas ever.” I was stunned. Surely the sender realized how difficult this Christmas would be, I thought. But she must have routinely written the same words in every card she mailed, as a way to personalize the store-bought greeting. The wish after all is a common one for the holidays. Even so it was painful to read the message. How could she not remember John’s death when she slipped the card into the envelope bearing my name? The harsh reality is that while I was struggling through the first Christmas without John, my card-sender was celebrating Christmas as usual.

Working Your Way Through

The first Christmas after the death of your loved one can be a heart-wrenching time. You realize with every fiber of your being that it is not Christmas as usual. If you’re dreading this first Christmas without the one you love, know that you can find meaning and solace during these challenging days. Here are some suggestions from my own experience and that of others to ease your way.

Let Go Of Expectations Of What Christmas Should Be

In our culture Christmas is not just a holy day of great religious significance. It’s also the preeminent holiday. It covers an entire season, weeks filled with preparation, decorating, shopping, baking and parties. It dominates the economy and the media. There’s almost a cultural obligation to throw oneself into the whirlwind of activity and be lighthearted and cheery. But you’re experiencing something very different. The loss of a loved one casts a heavy shadow over every part of life this year, and special events and holidays are especially shrouded in sadness. The contrast between the sorrow in your soul and the celebration surrounding you may be nearly unbearable. You know that this Christmas will be far from the images of holiday happiness conveyed by greeting cards and television specials. Allow yourself to have a Christmas that’s different from what society tells you Christmas is supposed to be. Do what comforts and nourishes you and what you’re capable of doing. For example, you may feel as I did the first Christmas after my husband died when I didn’t have the emotional or physical energy to put up a full-size tree but I wanted some living greenery in the house. So I bought a small potted pine, a few feet high and added to it a string of lights. I also chose not to send Christmas cards that year. You can find other ways to simplify, when that will help you cope. Maybe you’ll decide to scale back on gift-giving for this Christmas or skip the outdoor decorations. You may want to decline party invitations when they seem more burdensome than revitalizing. Do what you can and let that be enough.

Let Yourself Continue To Grieve During This Special Time

Don’t be tempted to immerse yourself in too many Christmas activities as a way to avoid the pain of your grief. There are unique lessons to learn during this first Christmas after your loss. Facing the “firsts” that are passing by without your loved one is a vital part of the grieving process. As you experience the first birthday or anniversary or wedding or Christmas, you realize more and more how life is different now. You slowly begin to accept the emptiness in your heart and to adjust to the absence of the one you love. “Special days that once sparkled with joy may now have a hollowness as empty as the space in your heart. Hold to the hope that in one form or another the sparkle will one day return.” Among all the “firsts” Christmas can have a special emotional power because of the joy you remember from past celebrations. And your grief will be intense because this first Christmas comes within a year of your loss, when your wound is fresh. Remain open to your hurt. As hard as that maybe it’s the only way through your grief. As Kahlil Gibran has written, “your pain is the breaking of the shell of your understanding.”

Be With Family And Friends

In the depths of your grief you may feel isolated and alone. But remember that others are grieving for your loved one too. It’s vital that you don’t shut out family and friends. Cherish the connections and the love you share. Reach out to them; spend time with them. You can offer each other comfort, support and consolation. As Harold Ivan Smith writes in a Decembered Grief: Living with loss while others are celebrating the holidays offer ample opportunity to treasure the memory of those we have lost-and to treasure relationships with those who are still with us. Celebrate your loved one by sharing your memories. Tell stories. Remember all that was unique and endearing about this special individual who changed all of your lives and made them richer. Consider the traditions you’ve had over the years and decide with other loved ones which ones to continue this year. You can put some traditions on hold for another time. You also may want to plan a new event that brings you together and honors your loved one. For instance you can attend Christmas church services as a group, or stop at the cemetery to say a prayer at the gravesite. Be open to compromise when people’s wishes conflict. You may need to adapt your past traditions because of the circumstances of your loss. For example many families face a difficult decision when an older parent dies, if that parent’s home had been the gathering place for children and grandchildren at Christmastime. Will someone else’s home become the new central gathering place, or will each individual family now begin creating its own tradition? The first Christmas after your loved one’s death may be too soon for major changes. Let adaptations evolve gradually as people become ready for them.

Feel A Bond With Others Who Are Suffering This Christmas

Our own sorrow can open us to new awareness of the suffering of others and in the process we can break through the separateness of the human condition. As you face this Christmas overwhelmed by loss, think of all those who are also hurting. Feel connected to them and join yourself in spirit with them. Consider how you might reach out to others who are hurting or alone this Christmas. You can visit nursing-home residents who no longer have family, help collect food and gifts for those in need, or volunteer to work in a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. There is no need to push yourself to do too much but you might be surprised at the comfort and meaning such an experience can bring.

Redefine For Yourself The Meaning Of Christmas

The cultural observance of Christmas is not all bad by any means but when life is going well it’s easy to get caught up in the commercialism and clamor and to be distracted from what really matters. This year when the usual festivities have little appeal, you can go beneath the surface celebrations and plumb the depths of this holy season. As you experience this first Christmas without your loved one you’re keenly aware how it lacks the joy, the magic and the wonder of past holiday seasons. And whatever the years ahead will bring you know that Christmas can never be the same as it was before your loved one’s death. But here’s a sure thing this difficult and painful Christmas offers: the opportunity to discover anew the true meaning of Christmas and hold it in your heart.

Take Heart

Hold on to the hope as you face this first Christmas without the one you love that someday the holidays will again fill you with delight, wonder and joy—a delight, wonder and joy that is richer because you have touched life’s most profound mysteries. The deep pain of your loss will have become sweet memories that make you smile. And you will know that the life of your loved one continues, wrapped in god’s promise of eternity.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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The holidays are coming and I’m not sure I’m ready. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready again. It’s winter and I feel as frozen inside as the landscape is outside. I tried making out my gift list today but the tears kept getting in the way. It is so hard to think about gifts and fun and the holidays when a loved one has died. As I get out the dishes and count the silverware I am acutely aware of the empty place at the family table. I’m trying to find the holiday spirit but when the family circle has been broken by death the only things that sparkle this season are my tears.

Working Your Way Through

When you’ve lost a loved one the holiday season can be a painful reminder of the terrible loss you are feeling—instead of bringing warmth, love and excitement. The first few years are perhaps the most difficult but even years later the holidays may lack the joy they once had for you. There are steps you can take however to help give the holidays a new meaning. The holidays can become a time of peace and reflection, a time to cherish the gift your loved one has been-and continues to be-in the life of your family. Here are a few ideas that may help you begin the journey.

Be Patient And Realistic

Sometimes our own high expectations of the holidays make the pain and frustration more acute. We have a mental picture of how things ought to be. Often however those expectations are based more on fantasy than reality. Remember that you are grieving. Be kind and gentle with yourself and realistic about what you expect. Leave the word ought out of the holiday season this year. It is difficult to be realistic while you are grieving, but it is also an important strategy for health and well being. Plan ahead so that you are not over whelmed by responsibilities at the last moment. When you are grieving it is difficult to concentrate so make lists. Prioritize things. Decide what is important to you this holiday season and scratch the rest off the list this year. You can always add things back in years to come.

Listen To Your Heart And Acknowledge Your Limits

Spend some quiet time before the rush of the holidays listening to your heart. Become aware of your needs and express them to family members and friends with whom you plan to spend the holidays. Encourage others to share their feelings, too so that everyone affected by the death of your loved one has an opportunity to express his or her wishes about holiday plans. Remember that it is O.K. to say no. You do not have to accept every invitation or fulfill every responsibility that comes your way this holiday season. Accept invitations and take on obligations only as you have the energy and the desire to do so. Make all your “yeses” tentative this year. Do what you can this holiday season, and let that be sufficient. IF you can’t decorate the yard, decorate the house. If the house seems too big to tackle, decorate a room, a corner or a table. There is nothing wrong with simplicity. Meanwhile take care of yourself physically. Grieving is hard on the body and is a great source of stress. Eat well and wisely. Avoid the temptation to numb your pain through overindulgence in the season’s many culinary delights. You will only feel worse later. “Our loved ones are still and always will be a part of us. They are threads in our fabric and we cannot lose their love.” At the same time, do not deny yourself the pleasures of good food and companionship out of a sense of obligation to the deceased. Remember that your loved one would want to see you smiling, happy, and surrounded by those whom you hold dear. Exercise is an important stress reliever and a healthy mood elevator. Make time for exercise and rest so that your grief is not compounded by exhaustion or overwork. If you listen well to what your heart and your body is telling you the holidays will pass more peacefully.

Adapt Cherished Traditions

When loss and grief overwhelm us at the holidays we are sometimes tempted to scrap the whole thing to do absolutely nothing. But you can keep traditions alive in ways that make sense given the new reality of your life. For instance if the fact that you won’t be buying a gift for your departed loved one this year saddens you, buy a simple gift that you know he or she would have liked and give it to someone who otherwise would not have a gift. Many charities are eager to accept such gifts at this time of year, and some will arrange for you to present the gift in person if you wish. Remember that it is the exchange of love-the giving-that matters most. Hang the stockings by the fireplace if you wish; place a wreath on the grave if that seems appropriate. Do whatever feels right for you and your family. Try a new twist on old traditions-have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, open presents on New Year’s Day or on the Sixth of January, as is done in some traditions. If you are alone this year as a result of your loss find a way to share a part of the holidays with others. Visit a soup kitchen or stop by a nursing home. You may find yourself forging new bonds out of shared losses.

Allow The Tears To Come But Look For Joy Amidst The Pain

As you unpack and sift through holiday decorations understand that along with the warm loving memories you will be unpacking some heartaches as well. Don’t deny yourself the gift of healing tears. Lay in a supply of tissues and don’t be surprised if you find tears coming when you least expect them. Sometimes all we can remember are the painful details surrounding our loved one’s death. This holiday season try also to remember all the wonderful moments of your loved one’s life. Think of all the gifts your loved one has given to you-joy, laughter, affection, companionship. Write these gifts on strips of paper. Put them in a gift box or place them in a stocking. Decorate the tree with them or keep them in a memory book or a private drawer. Whatever choice you make you will be celebrating the joy your loved one has brought into your life.

Focus On The Spiritual Dimension Of The Holidays

When you are ready and it feels right one way to refashion the holidays is to focus on the underlying religious meaning. In the Christian tradition, advent can be a time of quiet reflection and spiritual preparation. Let this season of hopeful anticipation touch the yearning within your heart for a final reunion with your loved one in the life to come. In this season of light remember the light your loved one has brought to your life. Light a special candle-not in memory of a death, but in celebration of a life and a love shared. Spend a moment in a quiet prayer of thanksgiving for having loved and been loved by this person. Holidays of other faith traditions are also steeped in religious significance. However you observe the season let your grief lead you to a deeper appreciation for the time honored traditions of the holiday season, traditions that bring home the meaning of god’s promise of everlasting love and life.

Take Heart

Right now you may feel like the scattered pieces of a broken puzzle. Honor that feeling but also take comfort in knowing that the pieces of the puzzle can be reshuffled, rearranged and pieced together to form a new picture. As you learn to create a new reality for yourself, temper your expectations with compassion and gentleness. You will heal, but only as you allow yourself to experience the full range of emotion on your journey through grief. I know the pain of moving through the holidays after the death of a loved one. But slowly, gently, I have begun to focus on my loved one’s life-not the death-and that has made all the difference. May love be what you too remember the most!

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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My son James was 6 years old when his grandpa died after nearly two weeks in intensive care. James had been having a great time coloring and playing in the ICU waiting room, especially enjoying the presence of his grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I’m sure to him it all seemed like a days-long party. When we finally knew that my dad was going to die soon, I called out trusted pediatrician for advice on how to break the news. “Tell him the truth in a way that he can understand,” he said. “Don’t tell him grandpa went to sleep or went away somewhere.” Should he go to the wake and the funeral? “Explain it to him, and let him decide, but don’t force him to go,” the doctor said. When the time came, my husband and I told James that grandpa had died, and we all cried together. Then James asked, “You mean we won’t be going to the hospital with everyone anymore?” At that he cried even more.

Working Your Way Through

Talking with a child about the death of a loved one is something many of us dread. We don’t want to see our child in pain and grief. We fear saying the wrong thing. We may be afraid we’ll start to cry in front of the child. We’re not sure how well they can grasp the situation at their particular age. By keeping a few helpful principles in mind we can walk with our child through this difficult time giving them permission to grieve in their own time and in their own way.

Be Honest

Speak the truth gently. Don’t try to spare your child’s feelings by withholding news of the death. Children are very perceptive, and may already sense something is wrong. Tell your child plainly and simply that her loved one has died, and that this makes you very sad. For a younger child who has no concept of the finality of death, you will need to explain what it means: “When a person’s body is very old, it gets broken and the doctors are unable to fix it.” You don’t need to hide your tears or sorrow from your child. Crying in front of her lets her know that this is acceptable way to handle the grief of losing someone close. Whatever you child’s age, it’s best to avoid euphemisms like “Grandpa passed away” or Aunt Margaret fell asleep.” Such figures of speech deny the permanence of death. Your child needs to understand that she will never experience her loved one’s presence in quite the same way again, although she can still experience that person’s special love and spirit. This is the perfect lead-in to talk about your family’s religious beliefs concerning life after death. It can be a wonderful consolation to a grief stricken child to think that her loved one is with god, and that someday you will all be together again. Reassure your child that she will never really lose this person she loved, and that she will always carry her loved one’s spirit within her.

Reassure Your Child And Answer Your Child’s Questions

A younger child may think she caused the death by misbehaving or thinking had thoughts or think that if she is very good, she can bring grandma back. Reassure her that grandma’s dying was not her fault, nor sadly can she bring grandma back. Or a child may reason, “If it happened to grandma it can happen to me! Or my parents!” Reassure her that being sick usually does not mean someone will die, and that most people live a very long time. And let her know that whatever happens, she will not be left all alone—there will always be people to love and care for her. “Any child old enough to love is old enough to mourn.” Older children will often ask lots of questions about the physical and practical details of death. “What do they do with the body? What does it feel like? “How heavy is the casket? When will they bury it?” This curiosity is one say children deal with death. Answer their questions honestly and patiently, even if they may be difficult for you to hear.

Accept Your Child’s Emotional Response Whatever It Is

A grieving child may become angry or aggressive, withdrawn or silent, tearful or fearful. He may have trouble sleeping, lose his appetite or do poorly in school. Possibly he may seem not even to have noticed. The important thing is not how your child reacts, but that he knows such reactions are okay. Never belittle this loss or try to tell him what he should be feeling or for how long. Let him know that it takes a while to feel better after someone dies, but hat as time goes on it won’t hurt so much. If your child is younger, he may seem indifferent to the news of the death and go back to playing with his toys. This is normal as young children have a shorter sadness attention span. Your child will deal with grief gradually, as he is able to handle it. Drawing pictures or playing with puppets or dolls can be good nonverbal outlets for feelings.

Encourage Your Child To Participate In The Visitation And The Funeral Service

Parents often wonder whether children belong at funeral and burial services when a friend or relative dies. They worry that their child may be too little to understand, or that seeing the body will be traumatic. Clinical psychologist Lyn Sontag insists, however that “children should be included appropriately in all family grieving rituals. For kids to be shut out is wrong and potentially damaging.” Including a child in the funeral services gives her the opportunity to grieve and begin to let go, with in the comforting arms of family and friends. The best thing you can do to help your child have a good experience at the visitation or funerals to prepare him thoroughly for what to expect. Talk about what the service or ritual signifies, that it is a chance for those who knew and loved the deceased to support and comfort one another in their sadness. It’s also a chance to honor that person’s life—to remember and tell stories, to laugh and to cry. Talk about what your faith tradition believes about life after death, and how the services will also point to this. If your child doesn’t want to attend the funeral services, see if you can find out why. You may be able to answer some unrealistic fears or fantasies which you can dispel through simple explanation. If your child still adamantly refuses to go, however give her the option to stay home with a friend or trusted sitter.

Help Your Child Deal With The Lingering Effects Of Grief

Grief does not go away once the wake and funeral are over. In fact once everyone goes back to their daily lives, it can feel even worse. It can help to get back into a familiar routine, but you still need to leave space for grieving. An older child, who may be embarrassed about crying or grieving openly, will still have needs for security after a death. Spend extra time with him one-on-one, give him extra affection, and keep your sense of humor. Don’t fall into the trap of silence thinking that you can spare your child sad feelings by not bringing up the person who died. Instead talk about your memories of your loved one, and encourage your child to do the same. If you both cry, that’s fine—it’s a path to healing. Plan a visit to the cemetery, to bring flowers or mementos to the grave. Holidays can be especially painful times, particularly the first ones after the death. Plan out how you will remember your loved one at this time. Children need to know what it’s okay to be sad and miss the person even at a joyful time of year. Be sure to share your happy memories together.

Take Heart

Walking through grief over a loved one’s death can be a healthy experience for a child, if he or she is accompanied by loving parents and family members throughout the process. Children can witness family and friends supporting each other, expressing their grief, and keeping alive cherished memories of the person who died. Many world faiths embrace the belief that “Love is stronger than death.” By giving your child your honesty, love and patience during this difficult time, your child will learn that lesson firsthand.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

Cremation, Grief, News, healing Cremains, Cremation, cremation jewelry, Cremation Options, Cremation Remains, Cremation Services, cremation urn, funeral, funeral plans, funeral service, Grief, grief support, healing, memorial service, Religion