CREMATION OPTIONS

My first volunteer experience was ministering to people suffering from or affected by HIV/AIDS.

All of those who volunteered were expected to participate in a health education course. As I scanned the long day’s agenda my attention was drawn to a grief workshop. I had recently lost an older relative and was looking forward to gaining some insight for myself as well as for my future charges. As the attendees filed into the small classroom my eyes were drawn to something written on the whiteboard in bold letters: “grief is not an option.” At first it didn’t quite register. But as the speaker shared her own story, the message was very clear. “After experiencing a significant loss, you may think your stiff upper lip will help you escape the roller coaster of emotions bound up in grieving the death of someone close to you. But even if you don’t cry now or feel the wide range of grief‐induced reactions in a day or two one way or another you will grieve…grief will find a way to manifest itself…in lots of surprising ways you might never have expected.”

WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

There is no “magic pill” that can immediately heal a grieving heart or spirit. But there are coping skills ‐tools‐that you use to help you heal and be able to enjoy life again.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED

If there’s any one thing to expect in the first months of grief it’s the unexpected. As a human being your emotions, including grief, will be as unique as you are: predicting you will feel this way for two weeks or that way for three months is impossible. But there are a wide range of physical, emotional and psychological signs and symptoms that are possible to experience in your journey through grief. And learning what they are and how they can affect you may be the best way to allow yourself the freedom to grieve.

BECOME AWARE OF UNACKNOWLEDGED LOSS

Most people associate the physical death of a person with the words grief or mourning. Any significant loss however can be felt as significant loss to be mourned. So expanding you definition of grief or loss is a great way to reframe some of the challenges you’ve experienced in your life. A friend who lost her beloved dog told me how surprised she was at the depth of her sorrow. But I also knew that she had experienced other significant losses in her life she barely spoke about; the murder of a brother some 20 years ago, the recent death of another brother from cancer and the sadness that often accompanies families torn apart by alcoholism. Her ungrieved losses came pouring out, released by the loss of this family pet. Once you redefine loss and grief for yourself construct a grief timeline, identifying and accounting for all the losses in your life you may have struggled off as “nothing.” Many of the people I work with find this exercise extremely revealing, as well as moving. It’s not uncommon for me to hear, “you know, losing my job was the hardest thing I’ve experienced; it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore.”

THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE

In her groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler‐Ross found through her work with the dying that over and over again the process of life coming to an end seemed to follow a particular pattern. Ultimately she identified stages of dying to help people recognize and normalize the very strong emotional reactions to death. In the field of grief work, experts have also described certain “stages” with which people may identify as well. Sometimes these stages are sequential, sometimes they’re not. “To spare oneself from grief at all cost can only be achieved at the price of total detachment which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”

MAKE FRIENDS WITH DENIAL

Denial often gets a bad rap. In everyday conversation it’s come to mean a way of avoiding painful or difficult issues. Denial however is a defense mechanism which in the case of grieving significant loss can be protective. Denial is a psychological buffer, giving you a temporary respite before you are able to handle the profound sorrow that comes with the loss of a loved one.

GRIEVING CAN BE A PHYSICAL HURT

After I received news that my dad had died, my throat felt as if it were closing. There was pressure and tightness in my chest; my heart was pounding. That night I couldn’t sleep and in the morning when I awoke my whole body ached as if I had the flu. In between crying bouts, I caught myself sighing as if I had run 100 miles. When you’re grieving be gentle with yourself. Take a break from your pain by focusing on things you love to do.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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When Bill complained of severe stomach pain the doctors removed his gallbladder. They discovered that the blockage was due not to stones but to cancer that had clogged the duct‐and invaded his liver. They decided to move him directly from the recovery room to the hospice unit. Bill’s wife collapsed in tears that did not stop for days. The son who had been distant from his dad for a number of years struggled with guilt. His daughter a nurse was afraid of what lay ahead for her dad. Bill himself had no intention of dying. He insisted moving out of the hospice unit and starting chemotherapy. “I can lick this thing,” he insisted.

Sorrow, guilt, fear of the future, denial- Bill and his family reacted to the news of his condition with very strong emotions, but none of them reacted in the same way. Each of them knew that a terrible loss lay ahead: they began to grieve over what was going to happen. If someone you love is terminally ill, you are also struggling with strong feelings. Your loved one is grieving, too for he or she faces leaving everyone dear behind. Watching a loved one suffer and decline is one of life’s most trying experiences. You wonder how in the world you are going to live through this ordeal‐and how you are going to go on without a person who has been such an important part of your life.

The road that lies ahead of you may be the hardest you have ever traveled. At the same time it offers many opportunities to enrich you life and the time that remains to the person you love.

When something that just “can’t happen” looms on the horizon our instinctive reaction is to refuse to believe it is true. We tell ourselves that doctors make mistakes that surely there’s some miracle cure just around the corner that the god who has always been so good to us will provide a miracle. While we may take some comfort in such thoughts, and we have every reason to seek additional opinions and reasonable treatments, if we end up in complete denial of the situation, that only adds to the suffering. The wiser course is to allow yourself to gently accept reality as it presents itself and gently lead other family members to do the same, including the person who is so seriously ill. At the same time don’t expect everyone to be on the same page. The grief all of you are feeling can give rise to many different emotions. One person may respond with anger‐not really at you, but at the situation. Another may be busily trying to strike a bargain with god while someone else may be paralyzed by depression. Allow people to be where they need to be without criticism.

You will need support for you need to take care of two people‐your loved one and yourself. Ask you faith community and your friends to pray for the strength you will need. No one knows exactly how you feel. But other people have gone through a similar struggle, and they can tell you how they coped. Search for a support group in your area. Organizations concerned with particular diseases (the American cancer society and the alzheimer’s association for example) also offer support to family members. The hospice movement offers tender care for the dying at home or in the hospital and loving support for families. Medical and pastoral personnel and volunteers will do everything possible to keep an ill person comfortable. In addition they will help you understand what to expect and provide necessary opportunities for you to leave the bedside to run errands, keep appointments or just take a break. “We can’t control what may lie ahead or what lies behind but we can live fully in what is now.” Friends want to help but they won’t know what to do unless you tell them. They can’t make the hurt go away, but they can help make life a little easier for you in many ways. Ask them to help with meals, give you a break from the bedside, lend a hand with household chores or just be there to listen or to give you a hug. Wrap yourself in their affection and use their shoulders to cry on when that’s what you need to do. Most of all keep in touch with god. Trust yourself to the most loving arms of all. Speak and pray your fear, your sorrow, even your anger (God can take it).

Even people who love each other clearly inflict hurt on each other, that’s human nature. We take the people close to us so much for granted that we sometimes neglect to treat them as well as we would the most casual acquaintances. Even the happiest relationships know careless moments. Probably neither you nor your loved one can name many of these, although you surely know small ways in which you have bugged each other over the years. Seek an opportunity to admit your human frailty and to express the hope that you have never inflicted serious harm. You needn’t grovel: begin with saying how deep your love has always been and how much you hope the other person has known that even when you didn’t show it very well. Where a serious rift exists now is a good time to try for a bit of healing. Reach out and extend an invitation to visit. The dying person may once have held enormous power to inflict hurt, but that power is ebbing away with his or her life. Just seeing that person become helpless can assuage long‐held bitter feelings. (Trust me on this one I’ve been there.)

Take heart!

You will of course face grief after death comes but using this time well will make it easier. You will have already begun the work that mourning entails. And the loving god who gave you the strength to make it through this final time will still be with your gently guiding you to wholeness and happiness.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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CREATE A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR LOVED ONE

“Letting go” of a deceased loved one is a scary thought for most people. Doing grief work does not wipe out the memory
of a loved one. On the contrary one of the real challenges of this time of bereavement is to create a new relationship with
your loved one without a physical presence. As Robert Anderson playwright of I Never Sang for My Father, beautifully
states “Death ends a life not a relationship.” You face the task of creating that new relationship‐one of heart, mind and
spirit. Incorporating your loved one’s values and passions into your own life and passing them on to others will create a
living memorial that will keep alive the essence of your loved one and bring you comfort. Allow the bittersweet memories
to carve a holy place deep in your soul where you know your loved one will always be. Once that love is secure, you will
find renewed energy for creating your new life. As one of my young widowed friends described it, “I know Charlie will
always be a golden thread in my heart.”

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT YOUR BELIEFS

It is virtually impossible to experience the death of a significant person in our lives without stirring up spiritual struggles.
Those struggles may involve not only our beliefs about the afterlife but also our beliefs about life in the present. We can
choose to believe for example that “nothing good can come from this terrible loss” or that “something positive can still
come out of this.” We can believe that “I will never love or be happy again” or that “it’s possible I will find love and
happiness in the future.” Whatever beliefs we create for ourselves we will sent about gathering evidence to support
them. Therein lies the challenge for rebuilding your life. What do you choose to believe about your life and the future?
Author Henri Nouwen offers this thought” those who expect joy to come out of sadness can discover the beginnings of a
new life in the center of the old.

LOOK FOR A TURNING POINT

“Why did this happen to my loved one and to me? Is the question which reverberates endlessly in the mind of someone
suffering a loss. For most people this question has no satisfactory answer in this life. Some people get stuck in their
feelings of anger‐at god, at the loved one for leaving, at medical personnel or at themselves for not having done enough.
Indulging the feeling of being treated unfairly avoids the hard but healing work of the grief process. It’s a true turning
point in your grief when you are able to give up asking “why?” and instead ask, “now that this has happened what shall I
do?” This new question acknowledges that your life has been forever changed but that you are open to what is yet to be.
Perhaps the words of Helen Keller express it best: “when one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look
so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

TAKE HEART

As you journey down the path of grief, you may feel you’re wandering in a dense fog‐uncertain of what lies ahead or
which way to turn. You may wonder if you’ll ever see the sun again. There are signposts along grief’s path, however that
will help you to know you’re headed in the right direction. Days will come when you’re not totally consumed with
thoughts of your loved one‐which will create space and time for new thoughts, activities, and people. Your energy level
an ability to concentrate will begin to improve. You’ll be able to laugh once again without feeling guilty. Memories of
your loved one will no longer double you over in pain, but instead bring warmth to your heart. You’ll be able to invest
yourself in new relationships and endeavors. And then one morning you’ll realize that the fog has finally lifted and you’ll
see the sun shining brightly once again. May god be with you on your healing journey!

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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I remember the dark night I was driving 55 mi.es an hour on the interstate and hit a patch of ice. My reflex reaction was to turn the steering wheel away from the direction in which my car was sliding. As a result I veered across the median strip narrowly escaped hitting an oncoming semitrailer and finally came to a stop after glancing off the back bumper of another car.

Since that incident I’ve learned that when driving on ice, it’s a life‐giving decision to turn into the slide rather than away from it. This lesson also applies to dealing with grief following death. Our reflex reaction is to turn away from this painful process. But the life‐giving decision is to meet grief head on‐to turn into it, rather than away from it. As William Bridges author of Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, expresses it, “the way out is the way in.”

WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

Bereaved people who believe the half‐truth that “time heals all wounds” often find themselves with unresolved grief years after a loss. It interferes with their ability to function productively, to engage in meaningful relationships, to live happily. It’s not enough simply to let time pass. Finding meaning in life after loss depends on what you do during your time of grief. You need to give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need‐even in the midst of family, friends, and coworkers who may not understand, especially if they haven’t “been there.” Much important grief work is done not in activities, however but in the inactivity of what William Bridges calls the “neutral zone.” This is the time in between endings and new beginnings‐‐‐a valuable dormant time that is as necessary in our lives as rests in a score of music. This time of internal reorientation allows us to begin to shape a new identity and a perspective for how we will live our life after such a major change.

CARVE OUT TIME TO DO YOUR GRIEG WORK

One of the first questions most bereaved people ask is “how long does grief last?” There is no universal timetable for bereavement. Grief does not come in nice neat stages that you complete in a certain amount of time. Each person’s grief process is unique because his or her relationship with the deceased was unique. The length of the grief process depends largely on the survivor’s willingness to do this or her grief work. Set aside time daily or several times a week for intentional grief work. Consider using this time to look at pictures or to put together a photo album of your loved one. Play music that reminds you of the one you are missing. Watch family videotapes. Keep a journal about your feelings. Visit the gravesite and talk to your loved one. Write a series of letters to him or her or to god expressing your thoughts. These activities may bring tears. Tears are the body’s release valve for the emotions of grief, which can be physically destructive if “stuffed” inside. Tears are one of god’s healing balms.

LEARN ABOUT THE NORMAL GRIEF PROCESS

“I feel like I’m going crazy” is one of the most common statements made by people in the midst of grief. It is vital to your psychological, physical and spiritual health to understand what the “normal” grief process is since it can seem so abnormal. You may experience a roller coaster of emotions, including sadness, emptiness, relief, regret, loneliness and anxiety. You may not be able to sleep or have much of an appetite. You may feel abandoned by god. These‐and many other feelings and behaviors‐are common responses to loss. Spend time reading books and articles about the grief process. This can give you much needed reassurance, especially in the early days when you may feel like a traveler in a foreign land. Attending a support group with fellow travelers on the journey through grief can also help. Sharing you story of loss is a necessary part of the healing process and hearing others’ stories will help you realize that you are not the only one experiencing such a mixture of thoughts and emotions. Hospice programs and many religious congregations sponsor such groups. If you are feeling “stuck” in your grief seek out a mental health professional or clergyperson with knowledge of grief and loss issues. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength not weakness.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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Four years after her initial diagnosis of breast cancer, and two days after her 47th birthday, my wife Ellen died.

For the next two years, I lived in a fog of loneliness and denial, while I careened through life like a lopsided top. Fortunately, I didn’t hurt myself or others too badly as I took my erratic emotional and social journey toward recovery. I still have some ways to go, but I feel like I’m through the worst of it. My life became instantly unbalanced when Ellen died. So many parts of my daily experience just went away. After all, I had lost my wife to death, and I have come to appreciate that this is unlike any other loss, because we had become part of each other. Although each of us will experience the loss of his wife in his own unique way, I hope that my experiences may be of some value to you if you, too, have recently lost your wife, or expect to very soon. I hope my words give you solace and help you heal from your loss. Working your way through I know for many men it’s difficult to deal with emotions‐a lot of myths and prejudices in our culture imply that men should just tough it out no matter what events occur in their lives.

That’s why, after some thought, I decided to write a short letter to a friend who had recently lost his wife. I think it ought to be man to man, friend to friend. So here goes….

Dear Jim: It’s been a few weeks since you lost Melissa, so I thought I’d drop a line to see how you are doing and share some things I went through when Ellen died. You know, just to let you know I understand what it’s like, and to offer a few ideas about what to expect. If you’d like, we can talk about it any time, bud, you know that. Expect to ride an emotional roller coast.

When I lost Ellen it seemed like something had just taken a big chunk out of me. Things that used to be funny weren’t so funny. Places we used to go didn’t interest me anymore. It was even hard to see some of our friends because the memories would come back in flashes and I just couldn’t handle it.

For the first few months I went wild. I’m not sure why, but I said and did stupid things and pursued pointless relationships and neglected friends and family. I just didn’t care then. I was pretty angry and very lonely and sad. I’d walk around the house sometimes looking at pictures of Ellen, the furniture, stuff we’d bought together. Half the time I start sobbing and half the time I’d just stare blankly at them and feel so empty. At other times I just had to be busy and with people. I had to do, do, do all the time. I was getting to be a wreck of a person.

Expect to feel the loss on many levels. There were times when I’d miss Ellen’s touch and soft voice. I’d be on the couch and remember how she’d wrap herself around me on the couch and lean against me. Her voice and laugh would be in my mind’s ear. It felt strange, you know? Part of it was remembering how great it was, and part of it was realizing it wasn’t going to be anymore. I missed everything: the way she was always there for me; how she’d encourage me to do things for myself; the many times during her illness she would thank me for taking care of her, with a smile on her lips and tears in her eyes. I’d think back to the times when we’d turn to each other and say exactly the same thing. Being with her made me feel like there was nothing else in the world I needed. I was complete. And after she died, I felt very much incomplete.

“Realize that your wife would want you to be happy. And, as usual, she’s right!” Expect major identity changes. You remember how we all used to get together? It was you and Melissa, and Ellen and I, and whomever else we could rustle up‐we’d end up somewhere partying and having a great time. All of a sudden, though, I was not part of a couple. It was just me, and I really didn’t do well with that. I still feel jealous of other people when I see couples at the mall or a restaurant. I envy that casual confident togetherness and intimacy. That’s a tough one to deal with.

I tell myself that I had my time with Ellen, and they were great times, but it still hurts a lot. Some of our old friends still call once in a while and I get invited to the traditional get‐togethers. I can tell you, it just isn’t the same. And I can say that it will probably take longer than you think to learn to live with yourself without her in your life. But friends do help a lot. So when they call or come around, be grateful and hang on to them. Sometimes a few words from a friend, or just hanging out together, is great medicine for the loneliness.

Work with the memories.

I wish I could tell there’s some set pattern, and that you’ll just go through it and in a few months things will be OK. The trouble is there are some memories and feelings that stay hot and don’t ever seem to cool off. At first, every remembered birthday, dinner party, walk in the park, or Sunday afternoon on the sofa made my cry. After a while, I could think of some things and I’d be okay, but sometimes it’s just too good of a memory. Sometimes I see us in my mind having the best time, and I see Ellen’s face and hear that laugh, and then I feel sad because I can’t have that again. We were terrific together and I miss that. You know what‐I’m convinced I don’t ever want to remember some things without feeling badly enough to cry. I’ll tell you one memory that has helped me get on with life. Before Ellen died she told me, in a stern wifely voice, that she wanted me to be happy after she was gone. She was really serious about it, too.

When I look back on our relationship, I think we did a pretty good job of taking care of each other and loving each other, and being the best we could be for each other. So, I don’t feel like I left things undone or did bad things to feel guilty about. We talked beforehand and it was settled. I often miss Ellen’s wisdom. There’s another way that memories help me get by. When I’m thinking about doing or saying something, I bring to mind how I think Ellen might do or say it, or how she’d have liked me to. I respected her a great deal and often followed her advice. I use the confidence she had in me as a good person to help make the best choices I can, even today.

Reach out‐and up‐ for help. Too often we guys think we have to suffer silently and tough it out alone. I think one of the best things I have done is let friends know how I’m feeling. When I’m down, I try to let somebody know. And when you’re feeling stuck, it’s okay to talk with a Cremation Services counselor. In fact, it’s a darn good idea. It’s also okay that you may not be strong all the time. Remember, if you find yourself missing your wife terribly, it’s only because you had a great life with her. Consider yourself fortunate.

There are many men who will never have what you and I had with our wives. Prayer also helps. I approach it like a conversation. It took me a while, but now I feel comfortable telling God just how I feel‐the good, the bad, and the ugly (sometimes very ugly). I also talk about what I hope for. The thought of being reunited with Ellen at the end of my days brings comfort and helps me going.

Sincerely,

Your Friend (and fellow Widower) James

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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