CREMATION OPTIONS

A generation ago most people use the same funeral home their parents used, and their grandparents used before them.Given today’s mobile society, however families no longer feel tied to those long-standing roots and often feel unsure of where to turn following the death of a loved one.Church members and members of the community at large, often turn to the clergy for advice on which funeral home to use.As a pastor with more than 32 years of experience serving churches in Texas, Oklahoma, Hawaii and Georgia.I have encountered this question numerous times.Ontwo occasions, I experienced the loss of a family member in an unfamiliar place and had to rely on a local pastor for advice and help concerning which funeral home to use.Following the death of my father, the service rendered was very poor, but after the loss of my son, the funeral home and funeral director with whom I worked will always stand out in my mind as among the best I ever had the privilege of meeting.Similar to most clergy members, I get to know many of the funeral homes and funeral directors in my area very well as I serve my congregation.Because of this a clergy member can begin to understand the strengths and weaknesses of each, know what to anticipate from various firms, and what to recommend to a family when that service is required.This article offers some of the things I look for when helping a family select a funeral home.

People First, Products Second

In a skeptical society many people are concerned about being taken advantage of during their time of loss.Having worked with many great funeral homes and many wonderful funeral directors, i know this is rarely the case, but it is important for a funeral director or a firm’s staff to help a family understand what is offered, without pushing them into a direction they really do not want to go.

Live Up To Your Title

The decision-making process concerning caskets, service times, order or service, and any number of details can seem overwhelming in the middle of grief.In one case early in my ministry, I remember a funeral directorwho very compassionately tried to help a grieving family understand that the deceased would not have to live with his or her decisions or the cost of them-but the living family would.He very carefully guided them as they chose a funeral that would be reasonable for them yet tasteful at the same time.He did not overpower them with expensive choices, but he did not leave them with a “blank page,” forcing them to decide for themselves.He lived up to his title and directed the family to make wise choices.

One Team With One Goal

When a funeral director and his or her staff work with a clergy member as a team, the grieving family receives better care.Throughout my many years of conducting funerals, it has also been very important for me to consider how a funeral director and his or her firm related to me and to other pastors.If that firm and its funeral directors consider the minister as part of a team caring for a family and provide information upfront about services and meetings with the family, and provide information upfront about services and meetings with the family, as well as obituary materials, then they will find themselves at the top of many a pastor’s list.

Options And Resources

It is also important for a funeral home to consider the service options available to a family.If the family in need is local and has a church, then they might have friends or music-staff that can assist them with the service planning.If the family is from out of town, however it is important to have a variety of music and other resources to call upon that can offer the encouragement and support that family needs for the service.This might include scripture reading, graveside service, escorts and many other options.As a minister, I usually look for a funeral home that provides clear options and assistance with these types of details.

Dealing With Denominational Differences

Another important part of my recommendation is based upon how a funeral home and its funeral directors provide aftercare or pastoral assistance.If a family has just moved to the community, or does not attend a local church, they might not know to who to turn in the event of a death.I have found throughout the years that it is very important for a funeral home to have several clergy members of various denominations upon who it can call to serve the needs of those families.This demonstrates a level of caring for a family just a bit above the norm, and it also provides a third party from a trusted profession to aid in planning, as well as someone qualified to deal with grief.At the same time it demonstrates a good relationship between the funeral home and its local clergy.

Accommodating The Inconvenient

Scheduling services, interments, processions and other details can prove challenging, but I always appreciated a funeral director that did his or her best to accommodate the family’s schedule rather than worry too much about their own.As a pastor it was always painfully obvious when they worried too much about their schedules and not enough about the families. For example when my father died he was to be buried at a national cemetery for veterans and active duty military personnel, but the cemetery staff determined when the grave would be opened and used.Unfortunately the cemetery only offered a time early in the morning for a private burial.With few options our family decided to hold a private burial and then return to the church for a public memorial service.The funeral home staff was really not interested in meeting that schedule, however and we almost had to fight to get them to do as we wished, even though we had no control over the federal government or its regulations concerning burial.While it is true that there are only so many hours in a day and so many employees to go around, it is important to do all that you can to meet a family’s needs, even if inconvenient.Remember death is the supreme inconvenience.Clergy members with experience know when a funeral home and/or a funeral director are taking the appropriate measures to fully care for a family by accommodating its scheduling wishes.

Many Faiths, Many Traditions

Today we live in an increasingly pluralistic society with many religious traditions.While I am Christian, I am also aware that many in my community come from various religions and faiths.These people are neighbors, shopkeepers in the community, students at local schools, and acquaintances.If they approach me on the use of a funeral home, it is important for me to know if a funeral director or a funeral home has any knowledge about the customs and tenets of his or her particular faith.Anticipating and serving the needs of the families in their care is the sign of a funeral home and funeral director that provide a professional touch to their service, which clergy members notice.Does the funeral home provide small extras, such as preplanning assistance, food, guest registers, a directory of florist and other important details, without forcing a family to ask?Every funeral is important to the family involved and as such, I generally look for a funeral home that offers a professional approach to the services provided and the flexibility to meet the needs of each family it encounters.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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In 1963 not long after Jessica Mitford’s scathing indictment of funeral service in the United States, President Kennedy was assassinated. In the days that followed the world had an up close and personal view of how Americans honored the memory of their dead. Since then, there have been some benchmark funerals that have amplified the need to grieve and reminded the world of the respect and dignity that the funeral offered. In 1997, it was the death and funeral of Princess Diana. Two years later, the world witnessed a funeral and memorialization of John F. Kennedy Jr. an in 2004 America paid its respects to President Ronal Reagan. In 2005 the poignancy and pageantry of the funeral played on the world stage. The ceremony surrounding the death and funeral of Pope John Paul II left an indelible mark on hundreds of millions of viewers whose eyes were transfixed by the reverent majesty of the Mass of Christian Burial that was punctuated with spontaneous applause 10 times from the hundreds of thousands who jammed St. Peter’s Square. Pope John Paul II was buried April 8th shortly after a ceremony described as one of the largest religious gatherings in modern times. The pope was laid to rest at 2:20 p. m. (8:20 a. m. EDT) according to the Vatican. The numbers of people who witnessed the funeral was staggering. More than 300,000 jammed St. Peter’s Square and more spilled out onto the wide Via della Conciliazione leading toward the Tiber River. Video screens were placed throughout the streets of Rome to accommodate the nearly 2 million who traveled to the Italian capital to be close to the historic ceremony. Early indications were that more than 2 billion people turned in to view funeral on televisions around the world. In the people native Poland, 800,000 people gathered in a vast field in Krakow to watch the funeral, many having spent the previous night attending mass and gathering around bonfires. Four kings, five queens, at least 70 presidents and prime ministers and more than 14 leaders of other religions were attending alongside the faithful. Together they was a powerful ceremony and spectacle that clearly illustrated the importance of ceremony-it was a farewell beyond comparison. At the very moment the pope’s simple wooden coffin was visible upon the shoulders of a dozen pall bearers emerging from the basilica, spontaneous applause filled the air, which is how the pope was greeted in life. Twelve pallbearers carried the casket out of the church and into the square. They were followed by a procession of 160 cardinals dressed in bright red vestments. The coffin which was adorned with a cross and an “M” for Mary was place on carpeted ground in front of the altar for the mass. The book of the gospel was placed on the coffin and occasionally the wind lifted the pages. In his will, John Paul requested to be interested “in the bare earth,” and the ceremony was to be like the service for Paul VI. The details were left to the College of Cardinals. His body was placed under the floor of the grotto below the basilica, among the remains of pontiffs from centuries past near the tomb traditionally believed to be of the apostle Peter the first pope. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, dean of the College of Cardinals, a close confidant of John Paul, presided at the mass and referred to him as our “late beloved pop” in his homily that traced the pontiff’s life from his days as a factory worker in Nazi-occupied Poland to his final days as the head of the world’s 1 billion Catholics. “Today, we bury his remains in the earth as a seed of immortality-our hearts are full of sadness, yet at the same time of joyful hope and profound gratitude. ” Said Ratzinger. He added that John Paul was a “priest to the last” and said he had offered his life for god and his flock “especially amid the sufferings of his final months. “”We can be sure that our beloved pope is standing today at the window of the Father’s house, that he sees us and blesses us,” Ratzinger said, pointing to the window where John Paul made his final public appearance. After the mass ended, bells tolled and the 12 pallbearers sporting white gloves, white ties and tails presented the coffin to the crowd one last time, and then carried it on their shoulders back inside the basilica for burial-again to sustained applause from the hundreds of thousands in the square. In a ritual new to the procedure, a white silk veil was placed over his face and a special prayer said. By tradition various medals, imprinted with the dates, of the pontificate, were placed in the coffin along with a parchment sealed in a lead tube, summarizing the pope’s life.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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While getting ready for work early on a Thursday morning, the phone rang in the home of Albert Y. Hsu.  “Albert,” a neighbor said, “your mom needs you to come home.”  During that brief conversation learned that his father ended his life through suicide.  Thus began his journey into the grief of a suicide death.  Hsu and editor with Inter Varsity Press, a Protestant religious publisher, took time to reflect on his journey and shares his insights in the book: Grieving a Suicide: A Loved one’s Search for Comfort, Answers and Hope.  His eloquently written book is directed mainly to those recovering from a suicide death: “Survivors of suicide and feel as if they are caught in a winter storm of epic proportions,” he writes.  “The road ahead looks bleak and daunting.  It may not seem to lead anywhere or you may seem to be going in circles.  You may feel as if you are frozen in place. You may think that you’ll die.  But wherever you are on the journey, know that the path you tread is one that others have trod.”  Hsu adds the wish that his book will provide suicide survivors with “protection in the storm” and with “some tracks to follow to make your way through.”  People other than suicide survivors will find his book helpful, however.  Those wanting to deliver aid and comfort to suicide survivors will find Hsu’s book an invaluable resource.  Here are six insights and lessons Hsu learned as a result of the suicide death of his father.

A Suicide Impacts Many People

Hsu notes that suicides usually take place in isolation but never pass unnoticed by others. “There may be one primary victim, but….the collateral damage done to others nearby is massive.”  “There is a ripple effect of suicide that impacts family, friends, colleagues, neighbors and acquaintances.  “Every suicide leaves behind at least six survivors, sometimes ten or more,” he notes.  His father was a private person with few friends.  Consequently, Hsu was amazed at how many people came to this funeral and sent condolences.  “Far more lives had intersected with my father’s than I had ever imagined,” Hsu writes.

Healing Rarely Comes In Isolation Suicide Support Groups Are Extremely Beneficial

Six months after his father’s death, Hsu received a brochure in the mail that read: “Survivors of Suicide is a support group open to anyone who has experienced the loss of a relative or friend through suicide.  Survivors need a safe place to explore their feelings of grief and anger, to raise questions and doubts.  We will welcome you at any time.”  Although it had been half a year since his father’s death, and Hsu felt he was recovering well, he went thinking the group could help in ways he would not anticipate.  He listened as others shared their loss and when it was his turn, Hsu was surprised that he choked up as he spoke.  Yet, speaking came as a breath of relief. “These were people who understood the grief of suicide.  I didn’t have to worry about what they would think of me or the suicide; they were a community of fellow survivors, helping one another grieve on the journey.  ” Hsu advises others to participate in a suicide survivors support group if possible and offers this important insight: “Whether or not you have access to a suicide survivors support group, we all need to be part of some sort of community to help us find healing.  Healing rarely comes in isolation….when we draw on the resources of those around us, we will find that we are not alone in our grief.”

Survivors Can Always Expect Healing But Not Necessarily Closure

Hsu cites one survivor who bluntly stated: “I can’t handle the word ‘closure.’  I get sick of hearing it.”  Hsu identifies with that comment and adds:  “Ultimate closure is an unrealistic expectation.  We can close on a house, but we can’t close on a person’s life.  To put the past behind us and lock it up into a little box dishonors the memory of our loved one: it says that we are trying to pretend that this didn’t happen.  It’s form of denial.  No instead we acknowledge what happened, and that it was tragic; we acknowledge that it has changed our lives forever.  We live on as changed people who look at life and death differently now.”  He says that most suicide survivors get to the place where they realize they might always feel some grief but no longer feel it continually or consciously.  Just as the human body is never in a state of perfect health, suicide grievers are never completely recovered.  There is restoration and the wound closes but a scar remains.

Suicide Is Not The “Unforgivable” Sin

Hsu writes an exceptional chapter dealing with Christian attitudes toward suicide death.  He examines biblical references and cities theological authorities, and offers this constructive insight: “Many Christians throughout church history have considered suicide an unforgivable sin because it allows no possibility of repentance.  But virtually all deaths occur without wholly cleansed consciences.  If someone dies from a sudden heart attack, chances are that the person died without asking for forgiveness for any number of sins.”  Hsu points out, that most theological thinkers agree that an individual will not be judged on the nature of his or her death alone but on the nature of his or her life.  “One act does not necessarily invalidate a person’s entire life, especially if an act of desperation is completely uncharacteristic of that person’s demonstrated moral identify.”

Comforting Friends Need To Be Sensitive When Talking About Suicide

Hsu notes that survivors are “hypersensitive” to the topic of suicide and advises those who wish to be comforters to cultivate great sensitivity when speaking on the topic.  “It punches us in the gut if someone jokes. If this doesn’t work out, I’m going to kill myself.”  Hsu also objects to the traditional description saying that someone “committed suicide.”  He notes that “survivors reacted against this, saying it implies criminality, as one would commit murder.  Is suicide a crime that is committed, like a burglary?  In some cases, perhaps but in many cases no.  “Most survivors would prefer to use the phrase that someone “completed suicide.”  Those two words convey more accurately that suicide is not a single act “but the final episode in what may have been a period of self-destructive tendencies.”

Survivors Need To Forgive

Acknowledging that survivors have been victimized by their own loved one.  Hsu nevertheless urges survivors to move toward forgiveness.  “There is no pint in harboring resentment.  We cannot seek revenge.  Our loved ones have already sought vengeance upon themselves.  So we grieve them as victims, and we forgive them for the wrong they perpetrated on themselves and on us…We can forgive them for they knew not what they did.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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The first Christmas after her husband’s death, Marta knew she couldn’t stay in their home for the holidays.  “After my have-to list was done,” she says.  “I ran away to Hot Springs, Arkansas and stayed for three days in a hotel.  I indulged myself in the famous hot springs baths and got a massage.  A Christmas Eve service on TV and telephone time with my family on Christmas Day was all of the holiday that I could handle.  The rest of the time I read, cried and ate chocolates.  I allowed Christmas to flow around me that year.  It was the best that I could do.”  Getting through the holidays without our loved one is one of many challenges we face in the first year of our loss.  We are challenged in so many ways that we cannot take loss in all at once.  We can only see the world from where we stand; and to most of us, our new world looks and feels like landscape without gravity.  There are no maps to guide us through this fresh grief.  But others who have made the journey can help by sharing what they have learned.  They show us it is possible to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones along the way.

Working Your Way Through

After my daughter’s death in 1982, I learned that the first year’s grief doesn’t flow neatly from one stage to the next; it has multiple patterns, fluctuation cycles, lots of ups and downs.  First-year grief will surprise you in many ways, but here are a few things you can expect.

Expect Sudden “Grief Attacks”

Practical matters demand attention in early grief when we are the most confused and least interested in things we use to care about.  We must decide how to get through each new day.  Some days getting out of bed take all the energy we have.  Trips to everyday places like the grocery store feel so different, In my case simple things like seeing my daughter’s favorite cereal on the store shelf brought immediate, excruciating pain.  I call these unexpected reactions “grief attacks.”  And unlike the response we would get if we had a heart attack while shopping, those around us don’t know what to do.  We get good at hiding our pain, at postponing grieving for a more appropriate place, a better time.

Expect Exhaustion And Disruption

Early grieving is perhaps the hardest work you will ever do.  It is common to have difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite and blood pressure, tense muscles that are susceptible to strains, a weakened immune system.  Be sure to tell your physician about your loss and any physical symptoms you have.  If your doctor can’t or won’t listen, find one who will!  After a loss, many people return to work, school or other activities feeling vulnerable, less confident about their capabilities, less able to concentrate, distracted by memories and flooded with emotions that disrupt thinking.  For others, work is the only place they are able to concentrate-focusing on tasks helps take their mind off their loss for awhile.  Those around us may have unrealistic expectations as we return to work or school.  When one mother whose only child had dies returned to work, her supervisor greeted her by saying: “I’m sorry about your loss but I want to talk to you about improving your work performance.”  Expect to be stunned by the ineptness, thoughtlessness and discomfort of some people, and to be thrilled and deeply touched by the kindness and sensitivity of others.  Sometimes those you expect to support you the most can’t or won’t meet your needs, while others you weren’t that close to before reach out unexpectedly.  Our loved ones are still and always will be a part of us.  They are threads in our fabric and we cannot lose their love.

Expect Ongoing “Echoes”

We experience so many emotions after a loved one dies.  We may feel relief that our loved one no longer suffers, then feel guilty about feeling relieved.  For a time we may be unable to feel much at all.  While learning to live with the hole in our heart and fatigue in our body, other responsibilities beckon.  We must file insurance claims, pay bills, write thank you cards, decide what we want to do with our loved one’s possessions and on and on.  Just when we think everyone surely has heard of our loss by now, the reality of our loved one’s death echoes back to us.  A call comes from the dentist’s office about scheduling her a check-up, or we run into his old friend who just moved back to town.  Once again we must tell our story, respond to someone else’s pain experience fresh waves of grief.  Knowing certain events are coming, such as seeing the grave marker or reading the death certificate or autopsy report, does not prevent us from hurting.  These are tangible reminders of the reality of death, while part of us still hopes it’s all been just a bad dream.

Expect “If Onlys” And “Should Haves”

Most grieving people have some unfinished business with their loved ones.  It helps to talk with someone you trust about these concerns.  You may not have had a chance to say good-bye or resolve certain issues.  You may regret doing or not doing something.  Perhaps you believe his death could have been prevented, or her life prolonged.  Prior losses or several losses at the same time can complicate your grief.  As much as possible, sort through and separate the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that accompany each loss; then decide what action to take.  Do you need to forgive yourself or others?  To ask your loved one for forgiveness and guidance?  To do something to fight evil or prevent tragedy?  After Wendy’s sister and niece were killed by a drunk driver, someone special told her that the experience would either make her “bitter or better,” and that she would have to make a decision about how to live her life without her loved ones.  She chose to join Mothers against Drunk Drivers (MADD), to do what she could to prevent future tragedies and help other grieving families.  Our loved ones live on in positive ways, and we are able to move beyond our regrets when we make these kinds of choices.

Expect Deep Questions

Loss causes us to re-examine our beliefs about the Universe, God, and how the world works.  Your faith and belief system may comfort and sustain you during the first year of your loss, or you may feel angry and disconnected from it.  Remember that it is okay to question.  As job learned, God wants to be in relationship with us no matter what we are feeling.  You may be drawn to people who have experienced a loss like yours and can understand some of your feelings and questions.  This is one reason many people in early grief find comfort in bereavement support groups.  But remember that no one can ever totally understand your grief, your questions, and what your love one means to you.  Like all relationships each person’s grief is unique and complex.

Take Your Time, But Do Your Grief Work

During early grief, you may want to stay busy all the time, avoiding painful emotions and the exhausting work of grief, hoping time will heal you.  There’s no set schedule and no recovery period for grief.  But time alone does not heal-it’s what we do with the time that counts.  Take the time you need to do your grief work.  But also take time away from grieving to do things you enjoy, to rest and replenish yourself.  When a loved one dies, our hoped-for future dies too.  Beginning in this first year, and continuing on from there, living with your loss means taking on new roles, new relationships, a new future-without forgetting the past.  Sometimes, life takes surprising turns.  Before my daughter’s death, I never would have imagined I’d become a grief therapist.  It wasn’t part of my “plan.”  But as the wise adage goes, “Life is what happens to us while we’re busy making other plans.”  Confronted with loss, we can weave the strands of our past into a new meaningful future we never would have planned to live.  Doing so is a conscious choice.

Take Heart

Getting through the first year of your grief is like winding a ball of string.  You start with an end and wind and wind.  Then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor.  Some of the work is undone, but not all.  You pick it up and start over again, but never do you have to begin at the end of the string.  The ball never completely unwinds; you’ve made some progress.  My daughter’s spirit and our continuing bond of love gives me strength each day.  May your loved one be there to help you during this painful first year, and in all the years to come.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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Occasionally we are going to go back to the ongoing series to illustrate decisions made by individuals with funeral homes, cemeteries and crematories that engage in activities that seem to be so outrageous or just stupid that other members of the industry should be aware of and learn from them.  Because of the interest expressed by readers to previous columns on this subject, it is the author’s intention to continue to provide readers from time to time with information about incidents of this type in the industry.  Recently, the Connecticut Supreme Court approved a decision of that state’s Funeral Board that the author believes falls within this area.  A licensed embalmer and funeral home he operated in Connecticut were severely punished by the Connecticut Board of Examiners of Embalmers and Funeral Directors (”board”) and the decision was first upheld by a trial court and then affirmed by the Supreme Court of Connecticut on April 21, 2009.  Both the embalmers license and the inspection certificate (operating permit) for the funeral home were permanently revoked by the Board.  In addition the Board imposed a $50,000 fine on the embalmer.  The Supreme Court case is titled Moraski v Connecticut Board of Examiners of Embalmers and Funeral Directors and the decision can be found at 291 conn. 242.WL 982243 (2009).  Obviously this is a tremendously bad result for the embalmer and his funeral home.  The question is what did he do to earn such punishment?  When the Connecticut Supreme Court reviewed the trial court determination it discussed the evidence the Board used in making its determination.  The opinion is very descriptive and quotes statements made by the embalmer to customers that used words that cannot be repeated by the author in this column.  The opinion also describes other violations covered in the opinion can be summarized as follows:

1. The embalmer and funeral home insisted that in connection with several funerals that they paid in cash for their services.
2. The embalmer failed to provide statutorily required price lists.
3. The embalmer failed to timely obtain removal, transit and burial permits.
4. The embalmer failed to timely file a death certificate.
5. The embalmer failed to timely cremate remains.
6. The embalmer and funeral home failed to release remains in a timely manner in an effort to force the decedents’ families to pay for their services.
7. The embalmer and funeral home disobeyed a court order.
8. The embalmer and funeral home improperly stored human remains.
9. The embalmer used abusive language toward family members and employees of other funeral homes.

The author reviewed the evidence stated by the Court and it seems clear that the Court had a basis for determining the embalmer and the funeral home did not comply with the laws of Connecticut.  The author suggests that every member of the industry should consider reviewing the opinion of the Supreme Court of Connecticut as it illustrates conduct that should be avoided.  This column is going to end in a similar way to previous columns on this subject because these statements will apply.   When you make a mistake deal with it then.  Do not cover it up, because the situation is usually discovered.  Contact a family when necessary.   Examine the alternatives before proceeding.  Sometimes the cost of a lawsuit or responding to a complaint is more than it costs to deal with a situation even if you feel the consumer is being unreasonable.  Monitor your employees and make sure they understand it is important to deal with problems, not cover them up.  Monitor the other members of the industry that you deal with and If you see something that is questionable do something about it.  Report it to the authorities or a licensing board and make sure that appropriate action is taken.  The title to the article is self explanatory.  The situation described above clearly comes with the scope of the title.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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The last time I saw my father was when I was in my early 20’s.  He was leaving with my mother on a short vacation to Sanibel Island.  We weren’t getting along at the time.  The details are fuzzy, but I was angry with him and refused to say good-bye when he and my mother left for the airport.  Two days later he was dead from a massive heart attack.  That was 30 years ago.  Looking back now, I remember feeling guilty and filled with regrets.  I wished for positive, loving memories of our last encounter, but that was not to be.  Over time, I learned it was possible for me to look beyond those painful memories and begin to honor and cherish the love at the core of our relationship.

Working Your Way Through

We’re all familiar with the frequently romanticized image of the “good death,” complete with family and friends gathered around the deathbed expressing their love, care and support.  But for a whole variety of reasons, many of us are faced with a different kind of death picture, and unfortunately are left with unfinished business.  Grief work is often about taking care of business and learning to reconcile our differences with those who have died so that we can begin to heal our deepest wounds.  Geographic distances between family and friends often contribute to our not being on hand as a loved one’s death approaches-even when there is time to anticipate a death.  For a variety of reasons, we are sometimes denied the opportunity to say good-bye.  And of course, people sometimes die suddenly.  This Care Note is about learning to grieve when you didn’t get to say good-bye.

Find Meaningful Rituals

Clare was devastated to learn that Pearl her closest friend of 50 years had died “suddenly” of a cancer that had actually been diagnosed several months before her death.  Pearl’s husband and her daughter were the only loved ones she told of her life-threatening condition and the only ones allowed to be part of the sacred inner circle at the time of Pearl’s death.  “How could she not have included me?  How dare she deprive me of the opportunity to support her and to express my love and caring, and to say good-bye!”  Clare was bewildered and hurt.  She began to search for ways to express her anger and disappointment as well as her great sadness.  She found that her visits to Pearl’s grave site were most valuable to her.  There she found she could reestablish their intimate bond by speaking aloud to Pearl and expressing, her many conflicted feelings.  As she thought about it later, she realized that it was as if she were making up for the time they had lost together while Pearl was dying.  Rituals, like Clare’s solitary vigil at Pearl’s grave, can help us to acknowledge some of our conflicted feelings.  Many religions offer specific rituals of remembrance for those who mourn.  Special masses are held in memory of loved ones who have died.  Annual remembrance prayers are recited at some religious gatherings.  Family shrines are established in homes and at grave sites.  Like Clare, you may want to create your own ritual of reconciliation by designating a sacred space to remember and perhaps to communicate.  This can be a valuable way to address some of your own unfinished business.  “To close the door on pain is to miss the chance for growth.”

Let Guilt Be Your Teacher

While guilt is often considered a “negative” feeling, I’ve come to look at guilt as an important teacher on the bereavement journey.  After my dad’s death, I found it helpful to write letters to him about all sorts of things that were on my mind, including my wish that I had been more loving before he and mom left for Florida.  I found it particularly helpful to divide my writing page in half.  On the left side of the page I’d write thoughts to Dad, and on the right side, I’d invite Dad to respond to me.  Although the response from Dad came through my own hand, I really felt his love and his forgiveness when I read his words.  Since grieving, for many seems to be a collaborative process, you might want to find a friend or a counselor who can listen and try to understand all of your feelings-even your guilt.  If you are struggling with feelings of remorse, perhaps you too can seek forgiveness from your loved one who has died.

Seek Support When A Death Is Sudden And Violent

Learning to say good-bye can be particularly challenging when a death is sudden and violent.  Hundreds of families are facing this very difficult challenge following the September 11th terrorist attacks.  In Rockville Centre, Long Island, for instance many families are grieving the deaths of loved ones who died in the World Trade Center.  A bereavement center has been established there especially for these survivor families.  Specialized programs are in place, including support groups for children, widows and widowers, adult siblings and adults whose parents died.  With the help of trauma and grief therapists as well as expressive arts therapist, families are learning to say good-bye and to cherish their precious memories.  Sometimes we face complicated family dynamics that challenge our efforts to say good-bye.  Billy was 10 when his father was murdered.  Although his parents had a bitter divorce several years earlier, Billy’s dad always valued his relationship with his son.  He was a violent man however who battered Billy’s mother while they were married.  After his dad died, Billy and his mom became more and more embattled themselves.  As Billy struggled to define and express his loss, he and his mother seemed to keep getting caught up in struggles that mirrored his parents’ destructive relationship.  For Billy therapy offered a safe place to remember and preserve his sacred memories and to learn how to begin saying good-bye.  He wrote poetry that expressed his acceptance and love for his dad as well his honest assessment of his father’s various flaws.  It soon became clear that Billy was hoping to find a way to safely share his grief with his mother.  With encouragement he turned one of his poems about his father-a frank assessment of the depth and breadth of his loss-into a song that he sang into a tape recorder and played for his mom.  This song to his father became a powerful venue for Billy and his mom to finally find common ground in their shared loss.

Keep On Listening

There is much talk these days about “closure” but saying good-bye to someone we love, even after they have died doesn’t necessarily require that we put an end to the relationship.  Perhaps the challenge we all face is in learning to keep on listening to those we’ve loved even after they die.  Over the years, my dad has become a sort of loving companion.  A few years ago I was driving to a high school in my community to meet a boy I was working with whose father had died.  The radio was on and I found myself listening to an old familiar Elton John song, but this time around a particular lyric, “I should have listened to my old man,” hit home.  Throughout my adolescence, my dad continually harangued me about why I should study accounting in college and someday join him in his accounting practice.  My response back then was to ridicule him for making such an absurd suggestion.  I was never good at math, I loved music and I always dreamed of being a professional musician.  Why couldn’t my dad finally understand and appreciate me for who I really was?  But now, as I listened to Elton John’s longing to have listened to his own father.  I could finally hear my dad’s longing for us to remain close.  Even as I entered adulthood, dad was hoping that our lives would always stay intertwined.  I sat alone in my car crying and thanking dad for his patience and his undying love.

Take Heart

Profound loss brings with it great sadness and hard work.  Saying good-bye for many is an important part of grief work.  Let us also remember, though that death ends a life but not a relationship.  Perhaps while saying good-bye to those we’ve loved and lost, we can also discover ways to continue saying hello.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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We asked an audience of funeral directors who it thinks is its major competitor in the future.  A very involved, informed funeral director immediately said, “Marriott.”  His reasoning was that Marriott already has event planners, rooms parking and all the meal service it could ever need-however we disagree with him.  Unless Marriott has plans to build facilities just to meet this niche, it is not entering the funeral business.  Marriott’s event rooms are rented months or years in advance.  The company is not going to keep this lucrative business aspect un-booked and flexible enough to accommodate funerals that cannot be pre-booked.  And we doubt the hotel wants to fill its halls with grieving families and paraphernalia that a funeral demands.  The competitor of the very near future is the local church.  The trend has started in an almost frightening manner.  Four out of every five funerals in a particular church do not use a funeral director.  They constitute upper-middle class cremation families who are willing to spend money, but see no need for a funeral home.  We could dismiss this as an aberration happening in a very liberal church, but as a funeral in one of the largest Southern Baptist church in Oklahoma City a few months ago, the descendent was a staff member of the church, so the crowd filled the building.  There is nothing liberal about a Southern Baptist church in Oklahoma.  We were amazed and dismayed to discover the family did not use a funeral home for anything except the cremation.  The funeral profession learned how to respond to the new world of cremation, however did we see the entire impact that cremation forced us to face?  When we move away from embalming, we must make sure we are not losing the last thing that makes us necessary to a family.  Far too many families don’t know what we do for them besides embalming and when that is gone, they see no need to pay for our services.  A husband whose wife’s funeral was in the Southern Baptist church was asked why he did not use a funeral home said, “She was cremated, why do I need a funeral home?”  To meet this new challenge, here are two actions we must take.

Become Visible

We must be far more visible and involved in the actual funeral service.  The idea that a good funeral is one where the funeral director is never noticed results in people having no idea what value we have.  If everything we do is done behind closed doors, how can they ever know the role we play?  We have advocated that funeral directors be masters of ceremonies.  Most of the time, people have no idea who is speaking or singing or why and how the participants, songs and pictures fit the life.  The service seems to happen because it is 2 p.m. on Tuesday.  The master of ceremonies needs to function as the funeral director.  The family bonds with the director and expects him or her to walk with them through the experience.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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Since 1908, when America witnessed its largest influx of immigrants, the United States has served as a haven for those seeking to live out the American dream.  Today, the United States is experiencing it’s a second great wave of immigration, as immigrants from the still developing worlds of Asia and Latin America make it their home.  As cities and towns become increasingly multicultural, it is essential for funeral service providers to be cognizant of the role that religion plays in the funeral services of the residents of the communities they serve.  The following is an overview of the rituals and beliefs of several of the cultures that are becoming a greater part of the fabric of America, in the hope that it will provide some degree of insight for funeral service professionals who are called upon to care for them.  It should be noted, however, that some of these customs may not always be applicable in certain areas, and funeral directors should consult with the religious leaders of the various groups to become familiar with their specific needs.

Religion And Clothing

In the United States, the custom among most funeral-goers is to wear black, as it signifies mourning or death.  However, in many religions, black is not the traditional color of mourning.  Buddhists, for example, wear white loose fitting clothes, as mourners are expected to meditate during the ceremony.  Followers of the Greek Orthodox religion expect mourners to wear navy blue clothing to signify death, and the deceased’s widow must wear black clothing for up to two years after a spouse’s death to signify mourning.  During Islamic funeral services, women are expected to cover their heads and arms and are not allowed to be seated near the men.  Followers of Judaism also believe that mourners should be covered.  Jewish men must wear a yarmulke or a kippah.  Clothing differences are not the only factors funeral providers should be aware of.  Many religions also have differing views on how long the body should be held before burial.

Life After Death

The Hmong, an ethnic group originating in China, Thailand and Laos, believe that a funeral should last for three days.  The funeral is the most important part of the Hmong culture and must be performed properly to ensure a prosperous afterlife for the deceased.  Family members play a key role in helping to prepare the body for burial and adorn it with food, wine, clothing and money to protect the deceased’s soul from evil spirits as it journeys to the other world.  Followers of the Baha’I religion must be buried within a one hour traveling radius of the place where the death occurred.  The most striking differences in the various religions can be seen in the traditions that are carried out during the funeral service.

Religion And Funeral Services

In Buddhist ceremonies, guests are expected to view the body and offer a small bow in front of the casket to honor the deceased. The funeral ceremony includes chanting and individual offerings of incense.  Although rituals may vary according to the traditions of a particular sect, Jewish funeral services are conducted by a Rabbi and typically require a closed casket.  Additionally, mourners are not permitted to enter during the recessional, processional or reading of eulogies during the services.  Following the services, the body is taken to the grave site for interment.  The immediate family then recites the Kaddish, a prayer about God and his relationship with the mourners.  Others in attendance recite only the limited responses.  After prayers, each person places a shovel-full of dirt on the casket.  Scientologists, on the other hand, do not believe in the concept of a funeral because they believe that the deceased has not died but merely moved on to another level of life.  As a result, they refer to their services as memorial services.

The Greatest Honor

As the face of America changes, it is increasingly important for funeral directors to not only comfort their clients in their time of need but also respect their cultural rites and rituals.  By honoring the traditions of the dead and respecting their cultural and religious customs, funeral directors help create a meaningful experience for those who grieve.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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Shakespeare said it best.  We need to be true to ourselves and know ourselves.  Easy to say but it is so hard to achieve!  How can we help others when we do not know ourselves?  Death is an interesting subject in our Western society. Socially, we are trained not to think about death, talk about death and therefore, we have very few skills to cope with death when it does arrive in our live.  Working in the funeral industry, we have a bit more of a comfort level around people who are dying or who have passed away than perhaps those in the general population.  However, that does not mean we have dealt with our own concepts or fears of death.  Usually, when we are confronted with a death in our own personal lives, we still have to face the same social handicaps other non funeral industry professions do.  One of the most important things funeral directors can do to relate to a grieving family is to come to grips with their own mortality and concept of death.  Why should we come to grips with our own mortality?  What might the payoff for our business be?  Grieving people tend to know when people are patronizing them or are just “going through the motions.”  Many people have written in to Beyond Indigo and stated that their funeral director just could not relate to what they wanted or what they were experiencing.  Others have noted that their funeral director seemed uncomfortable with their loss.  This is particularly true with the loss of a child.  We communicate to people in many ways, and not just through words.  Body language, hand usage while talking, the way we say the words and eye contact are all conveyed while we are interacting with a family.  If you are uncomfortable with a topic, the family will know.  If you cannot communicate with them on their level, they will know.  They might not tell you but they will know and next time they may go to your competitor down the street who might relate to them better.  Communicating with our families can be done on many levels, and if you stay “in your head” without due introspection emotionally, people know and tend to withdraw.  Introspection is something many of us tend to shy away from in our day to day lives.  It takes work, time and energy, which are things we do not have in copious quantities.  However, there is great valve in making time to muse over the larger questions of dying and coming to terms with our own concept of mortality.

Concept One:  Life Is Predictable

Many people often feel that life is very predictable and under their control.  Death teaches us that is not true.  All that was thought would continue forever has abruptly stopped with death.  All that we thought was structured and defined no longer has meaning.  We can no longer answer the question with certainty.  “What will happen today?”  Death reveals how mistaken we are in believing in “Happily ever after.”  When death hits us closely, the loss is difficult to accept.  It seems we will weep forever, and that we might never assimilate the loss of our dear one into our previously predictable life.  There might be a feeling of denial and/or disbelief.  Gradually, however, we are able to understand and integrate the loss with our feelings of permanence.  Death may give us the chance to discover that we cannot always foresee or control events in our lives.  It gives us a chance to redefine our belief systems.  We may even be forced to look at our own mortality, as well as life beyond or life without the one who died.  This can be a lengthy process.  We may have to rework and struggle with our old expectations and our patterns of behavior and interaction.  Our hopes may change.  We may mourn and in that process, learn to know others and ourselves in an entirely new way.  Yet the very construction of a new belief system that includes loss, death and change shows us that there is no permanence to life.  Thus death can be a positive thing.  Our lives can become enriched.  People often acknowledge the following benefits of death:  There is a greater ability to appreciate life-there is a shift of attention away from trivial or small matters in daily life-there is a greater focus on what truly matters to each person-life itself is not taken for granted-each day is precious and enjoyed-there is less future planning-more time is spent with loved one-since there is less certainty of the future, time is spent in the here and now-new things are appreciated and sought out-seeing and listening become more active and in the present.

For Self Examination

1. How am I going to appreciate my life and that of those whom I love?  I will write these notes of appreciation to others today, and make a mental note to be thankful for two things in my life right this minute.
2. Today I will focus on one individual in my life as if this were their last day on earth.

Concept Two:  Death Has Meaning

While the above benefits seem to occur after a death, there are some strategies for coping with loss that include the concept that there is meaning in the experience.  Those who have a strong religious belief often rely on their faith to get them through the loss and ensuing difficult times.  Faith seems to give solace as well as a helpful explanation of why the death occurred.  Often, religiously oriented mourners already have a scheme of life and death that will work for them to help them get through feeling of hopelessness regarding their loss.   They do not need to construct a new belief system.  Their faith often includes a belief in an afterlife, as well as the thought that their loved one is in a “better place” or “heaven.”  For other people, the belief in an afterlife encompasses the idea that the deceased person lives on in the memories of those who are still living.  Some people view the mind and spirit as being identical.  Thus, mental and spiritual growth is often lumped together to mean one and the same thing.  This may not be valid for you.  You may find meaning in the understanding that you have grown mentally, emotionally or spiritually from your loss.  All forms of growth or any kind of growth at all, can give meaning to the loss you have experienced.  When we search for meaning in our experience of loss, we dig deep into our hearts and look at what we are learning, and we have grown, or can grow in the future, because of the event of death.  We may glimpse why we have been separated physically from our loved one.  We may find that we can do things that are meaningful because we are forced to.  Thus the death of your loved one becomes a catalyst for change.

Possible Concepts For Meaning In Grief And Loss

1. We get opportunity to make behavioral choices that allow us to be active participants in the grieving process.  We can control our responses to our loss and direct our thoughts.
2. We face the reality of death, and the concept that time, as we know it, does not go on forever.
3. We can learn to stay connected to the one who has died.
4. We learn that those who have died continue to influence the living.
5. Our sense of spirituality can develop, if we choose to let it.
6. Predictability and control concepts can be revised to include loss.
7. We can open our mind to new concepts, read new literature, and talk to new people.  If we have survived the death of a loved one (a new experience) then we can survive and indeed grow from other new experiences.
8. In time, you will develop your own personal meaning for your loss.

For Self Examination

1. This month, I will wake every day and ponder the meaning of personal loss for me.
2. I will form a working hypothesis this month as to the value of loss in my life, and focus on what I am learning.

Then rejoice.  You will have found meaning in your personal experiences, and be living truly with mindfulness about self as well as others.  In our industry, it is all too common and easy to defer our own thoughts and pains so that we can deal with our families and our jobs.  Take time for the hard questions and then take action to be truly intimate with your own concepts of living and dying.  It will make a difference to you and to those that come to your business.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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“I will never forget the fear I felt as I sat in the doctor’s office with my wife on the cold and snowy day last winter,” Rick told me.  “His words to us, even though they were spoken gently and very compassionately, numbed me to the bone and engulfed me with a chilling disbelief.”  “Mary,” he said “you are filled with cancer, and there is nothing more we can do. I’m afraid it’s terminal.”  Looking back now, Rick realizes that fear and denial were the first emotions to surface when he learned his wife was terminally ill.  He also knows now that he went through many different emotions during the year his wife was dying.  He sought professional and family support for himself and his wife that helped them walk their difficult journey together.

Working Your Way Through

Here are some of the things that helped Rick cope with the dying process his wife was going through.  As he learned from these things, he helped enable Mary not only to understand and accept her coming death, but ultimately to come to peace with it.

Realize That You Will Grieve Before the Death Occurs

As soon as you become aware that your loved one is terminally ill, you begin the emotional side of the grieving process.  You may find yourself, as Rick did, totally denying the fact that a death will soon occur.  “How could this happen?” you may ask yourself.  “My loved one never showed any signs of being sick. She’s always been so healthy,”  You may find yourself weaving back and forth between denying the approach of death and accepting it.  Without realizing it, you have begun the mourning process.  This process is called “anticipatory grief.”  It is a state in which you begin to acknowledge that a death will occur (especially as you see the person decline), and you begin to mourn the fact that soon you will lose them.  It is perfectly normal and can help you prepare for the death.  Try to accept the fact that you have begun to mourn the fact that soon you will lose them.  It is perfectly normal and can help you prepare for the death.  Try to accept the fact that you have begun the grieving process but can still spend quality time with your loved one, taking care of the unfinished expressions of love, disappointments, and care and concern that might have been put off for the future.  Take the time now to begin to ask yourself some very important questions:  “How am I going to be able to be present to my loved one and at the same time realized I have begun grieving his coming death?  “What can I do for myself spiritually, emotionally and physically in order to have the strength to cope with losing her?”  “Where can I turn for support in order to sustain myself and my loved one during this difficult time?”

Know That You Will Be In Pain

You will experience many different feelings as you struggle with the thought of your loved one dying.  Rick immediately felt fear as well as disbelief.  You may be going through the same feelings, as well as being angry or sad, guilty or numb, all at the same time.  These feelings may occur over and over again.  This process is natural; when the time comes, it will help you heal.  As you struggle through the pain of your various emotions, acknowledge what you are feeling, “Talking about things with a close friend can help.  Writing down or journaling what is happening to you emotionally can be a powerful tool.  But no matter how you cope with the impact your loved one’s approaching death has on you, remember that a wide range of emotions is perfectly normal and to be expected.  “being present with your loved one as he or she struggles to accept the reality of terminal illness has been the beginning of your journey of grief.”

Understand You Will Have to Make Adjustments

Your life changes with the knowledge that your loved one is terminally ill.  You realize that they will not be with you much longer, and yet you also realize they still have a life to live until the death occurs.  You find yourself feeling anxious about the practical things that need to be taken care of now, and perhaps also about those that will have to be faced after the death.  “How am I going to go to work and yet be present during this dying process?”  “Should I tell the children now or wait?”  “How will I manage without him?”  “Will I be alone after her death?”  Try to concentrate on the present moment as much as possible.  Your loved one is still with you; focus on helping them live their life to the fullest.  Reassure the person who is dying, whether a child or adult, your spouse or your parent, a sibling or a friend, that you are there, and will be there, for them.  Learn from your loved one’s health care provider as much as you can about the disease so that you can be prepared for what happens both emotionally and physically as the illness progresses.  Talk about the information you have, if your loved one asks.  Ask you loved one how you can be helpful and attentive to them.  Be at peach knowing that doing “the best you can” is all you can do.  Take the time you have together to try to put to rest any “unfinished business.”  While these issues might include unresolved legal or medical matters, more importantly this is a time to express love and appreciation, disappointments and the need to reconcile any differences.  How many times after a person dies do we wish we had told them we loved them?  Now is the time to do so!  Now is the time to ask for forgiveness for them.  Now is the time to for you  and your loved one to share and gather the cherished memories you have of your time together, so that these memories may be imbedded deeply in your hearts.

Focus On Yourself, As Well As Your Loved One, and Seek Spiritual Support

As Mary began to weaken and need more rest, Rick decided that he needed to spend all his time taking care of her.  He was good at it.  But it soon began to take its toll on him. And he found himself feeling over whelmed.  If you are, like Rick, in the position of being the primary caregiver for your dying loved one, understand that to do your best in that role, you need to be nourished physically, emotionally and spiritually.  You need to eat and sleep well in order to have the strength to be present to your loved one and have the energy “to give.”  A fair amount of exercise and the company of friends and family are necessary if you are to face the difficulties of each day.  It’s important that you find someone you can talk to as you begin to grieve your loved one’s upcoming death.  You do not need to, and should not, face this loss by yourself.  Your local hospice can be enormous help.  Talk over the possibilities with these compassionate, trained professionals.  This is also a time when you can share your burden with God.  How many questions about sickness and death you must have!   How many questions your loved one must have also.  Putting them into words and praying about them together can be a source of strength and peace for both of you.  If you attend a faith community regularly, talk with a pastoral or grief minister on staff.  They have had many experiences with the terminally ill and can be a listening ear for you.  Ask them to visit your loved one.  They can bring with them a spiritual presence that is helpful to the dying.  And if you haven’t been involved in a faith community for awhile, now could be a very good time to take another look.

Take Heart

Your journey of grief begins with your being present to your loved one as she or he struggles to accept the reality of terminal illness.  You accompany your loved one and are an intimate part of their final journey here on earth-what a wonderful privilege for you and a profound blessing for them.  The moments you have shard and the memories you have stored will help prepare you for the grieving you have already begun and will continue to do.  Cherish those memories and recall them often.  Don’t keep them to yourself; let others know your loved one through sharing your memories.  Allow those memories to help you not only survive the death of your loved one, but begin the healing process and grow as a compassionate human being.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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