CREMATION OPTIONS

As she offered her condolences at my mother’s wake, my next-door neighbor said to me, “it will get better…and then it will get worse.” She knew what I was going through -her own mother had died a year earlier…but at that time, I thought it was a strange comment. A year later I realized it had been a very wise one.

WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

“The measure of your grief is the measure of your love,” it has been said. And it’s true—while we may sympathize deeply the passing of people whom we haven’t known and loved. Yet despite the natural connection between the depth of our love and the intensity of our grief, we can be caught off guard by the persistence of grief. A year or two passes perhaps many years go by-and yet we still feel our loss, at times keenly. Is there something wrong with us?, we may secretly wonder. Popular culture can lead us to believe that we should have “moved on” by now, “gotten over it,” and “gotten on with life.” But our grieving is part of our life, not something removed from it. And there is nothing wrong with allowing grief its time. Just as love takes time to grow, grief takes its time. Just as love takes time to grow, grief takes time to diminish. Whether you are grieving for a loved one who has died, or some other great loss or setback, your sorrow needs to be given time to fully express itself.

DON’T GET OVER IT; RATHER GO THROUGH IT

There’s no way over, under or around grief. Much as we might like to avoid the pain, or be tempted to block it out or numb it with drugs, alcohol, over-working, overeating or otherwise avoiding it, none of this helps us heal. However when we allow ourselves simply to feel what we are feeling and experience what we are experiencing without “fight or flight,” we will notice a gradual change. Slowly the activity of grieving will evolve and be transformed into something closer to remembering and cherishing with gratitude—a warm comforting glow instead of a hot burning fire. But first we must allow sorrow the time and attention it requires. The good news is that over time grief will lose some of its ability to completely overwhelm us even though it may still do so from time to time. In respecting our grief and allowing it to take its course, we also allow ourselves to begin to heal. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

HANG ON FOR THE RIDE

Grief expresses itself on many levels of our lives-emotional, physical, and spiritual. Each must play itself out of its own timeline. We are along for the ride, but are not helpless victims. Rather think of yourself as an attentive passenger on a long and at times uncomfortable journey you may not have signed up for but were booked on nonetheless. Be observant- there is much to learn along the way, about yourself and about life. For a time you will be on the emotional “high seas” and it’s a bumpy ride—one moment intense anger the next deep sorrow, the next terrifying fear. There is nothing you can do-or really need to do-but simply hang on and try to be observant. In its own time the sea will begin to calm, the waves to smooth out. The horizon ahead will even be smooth and clear from time to time.

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF—BODY AND SOUL

Pay attention to the way your grief expresses itself in your body through tension, restlessness, cramps, headaches. The best medicine is the oldest—good food, plenty of exercise, and lots of rest. In its own time your body will begin to adapt to the new reality you are living. In the meantime think of your body as your ally-giving you clear signals as to when you need to rest, when to move, when to eat. A good therapeutic massage can help you release some pent-up painful emotions. “Sorrow ends not when it seemeth done.” Remember that your spirit is grieving as well. Your trust in life and the goodness of god may have been shaken, perhaps even shattered by the circumstances surrounding your loved one’s death or another major life loss. The world may no longer seem a safe or good place. Mystics call it a “dark night of the soul.” You may well have to pass through some dark nights, but you do not have to pass through them alone, without the support of friends, family and faith community. Those who care about you cannot grieve for you, but they can light candles to help you find your way through the night, if you reach out to them. Whatever your own religious background, you can be confident that a loving god will stand by you in your loss. Try reaching out in prayer even if it needs to be angry prayer at times. Many have found great comfort in doing so.

GIVE YOUR GRIEF A WIDE BERTH

Grief comes in all sizes and shapes and just like physical objects our grief needs to consume a certain “space” in our lives. A former coworker of mine believed she was “too busy” to grieve so she plowed back into her demanding publishing job a week after her husband died. Two weeks later she was laid up in bed with pneumonia. Coincidence? Perhaps. But time and again those who grieve tell a similar story-how, when they tried to do an “end run” around their grief by staying extra busy, their body found a way to force them to stop running away. This is not to say you need to lie in bed for a week in order to grieve properly. Staying active is important and necessary. Perhaps the best advice of all is to avoid the extremes-either throwing yourself so completely into your work or family duties to effectively bury your grief, or pulling the covers over your head in utter resignation and giving up on life for good. As long as your strive for a balance and are patient with yourself your grief will find its proper time and space in your life.

MARK YOUR GRIEF

Cultures around the world and throughout history have found ways to memorialize grief by honoring their dead. From ancient Rome’s Parentalia, which honored departed ancestors, to the day of the dead, the modern Mexican tradition, to the Catholic Church’s all souls day, human beings have always intuitively understood the need for a time and place for a shared ritual of grieving and honoring our dearly departed. Unfortunately hard charging modern life leaves less and less time and space for these collective memorials. This does not mean you can’t continue to honor your loved one and recognize your own grief. You simply may need to be creative. Make an annual donation to your loved one’s favorite cause. Give a gift each holiday season in his name to someone in need. Create a garden memorial stocked with her favorite plants and flowers in your backyard. Create your own family “day of the dead,” on which you collectively visit the Gravesites of your ancestors with fresh flowers and other remembrances. Schedule some quiet time alone on important anniversaries and holidays. However you choose to ritually mark your grief it will allow for a softening of the repeated reminders of your loss, because now you will have a time and place where you can preserve them.

REDEFINE YOUR LIFE

While giving grief its due, remember that it does not have to become the defining quality of the rest of your life. Your life will always be a part of you, but it does not have to be all of you. It is okay to live, learn and love again. You can incorporate (literally, “take into your body”) your loss and use it to forge a new identity that helps you continue growing. Your faith tradition can be of assistance in this task by providing a context to help give meaning to loss, and the hope of an eternal connection of loved ones and the effort to learn new skills or meet new people can also help you move ahead- when the time is right. You’ll know when.

TAKE HEART

There’s no sense in sugarcoating it-grief is a painful process and it’s natural to wish it would pass sooner than it does. But by hanging in there for the long haul we gain lessons that would not have been possible if we had short circuited the process. One lesson gained is the incredible resilience of the human spirit even in the face of great hardship and loss. Another lesson learned is that when we give sorrow its due, sorrow returns the favor by giving us a precious gift-the assurance that we have indeed loved deeply in this lifetime—and that is, without a doubt one of life’s greatest achievements.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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BE SURE YOUR FAMILY RECEIVES THE BENEFITS YOU’VE EARNED

Most of us plan for the years when we no longer need to, want to, or cannot work.  It is a necessity we cannot afford to ignore.  The federal and state governments have programs such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid to which we all contribute while working.  Being informed as to what we have earned and making sure we receive these important benefits is part of “Being Prepared.“ There are other important aspects to being prepared, such as preparing a Will and making funeral arrangements.

WHERE TO START

Knowing where to start can help make planning easier.  Although this brochure cannot answer all of your questions, it will highlight the main steps for you. We find once families know what to do, planning is not difficult.  As funeral directors, we are able to assist with the details and answer questions you may have about government death benefits and funeral planning.  No matter what you decide to do first, it’s important to start now, today.

WHY YOU SHOULD PLAN

We plan for every aspect of life. Having a family, vacations, weddings, and retirement are all things we plan. We prepare for what might happen such as fires, accidents or floods.  But, because most of us do not like to think about death- we avoid making important funeral decisions in advance. Now more than ever, it is important to plan ahead. Our way of life is more complicated. Family members often live in different states, dealing with government agencies can be frustrating, and every household feels the impact of inflation.

Family members making funeral arrangements immediately following a death often are confused and upset. Many times, they do not have the information needed to claim benefits. Each year millions of dollars in government and insurance benefits go unclaimed.  Planning ahead prevents emotional overspending and protects your
family’s interests.

FOUR  GOOD  REASONS  FOR  MAKING  FUNERAL  ARRANGEMENTS  IN  ADVANCE

1.  Your Family

Without a doubt the most important reason for making funeral and other estate arrangements in advance is to spare your family this task at a difficult time.  There are over 50 decisions to be made when arranging a funeral.  Making these decisions today, with the help of those close to you, lets you make logical, well thought out plans that your family will appreciate.

2.  Lower Costs

Though not a requirement, you may wish to invest in a funeral trust account or final expense insurance policy when making funeral arrangements. While most of us have life insurance or funds reserved for retirement, these are intended for the living, not to meet the cost of a funeral.

In most situations, funds invested today will be sufficient to cover the total cost of the funeral at time of need. The interest earned by the account or policy will help to offset the effects of inflation. Government regulations safeguard your investment so that funds will always be available for your family’s use.

3.  Securing Benefits

With the number of revisions in government benefits over the years, it is important for each person to be aware of these changes and how to protect those benefits.

• Social Security Upon death, dependents and survivors may be eligible for certain benefits such as Death Payments, Survivor’s Benefits and Medicare. Qualifications depend on age, marital status, number of dependents involved and if employment was under Social Security.  Your Social Security account should be  verified periodically to be sure contributions are properly posted.  All benefits must be applied for; payment is not automatic. Since qualifications vary, we recommend discussing your particular situation with us personally.
• Veteran’s Benefits There are many misconceptions regarding Veterans’ death benefits.  Honorably discharged veterans may qualify for cemetery plot and burial allowances, headstone, and burial flag, as well as a pension for survivors. These benefits may affect decisions about funeral  arrangements. Because qualifications and benefits vary, we recommend a personal review of your situation.
• Medicaid Few people are aware of provisions under Federal Title 19 where an individual can shelter funds to serve the family later by providing for funeral arrangements. We can explain these options to you.

4.  Peace Of Mind

We often have special wishes as to where to be buried, who is to receive our personal effects, and how we are to be memorialized.  Making funeral arrangements today permits time for you to tend to every detail. You gain the confidence that results from making unhurried, informed decisions. Plus, your family and others who care for you will be assured the arrangements reflect your true wishes.

Planning ahead…you have true peace of mind knowing you have taken care of everything.

HOW TO PLAN

Investigate

Most people are unsure how to secure benefits and to be certain everything will be carried out according to their wishes.  Often people delay making a Will because they feel they have little to leave behind.  Yet, a Will is vital to insure belongings are properly distributed and to avoid excess taxes.  A Will allows you to name an executor-someone in which you have confidence- to carry out your wishes. You should have an attorney prepare your Will to be certain legal requirements are met.

Legal procedures following death are also confusing.  For example, since a Will is most often read and administered after the funeral, the practical, safe approach is to have a separate document for funeral requests.

Arranging a funeral is involved with over 50 decisions that must be made. Decisions that are an added burden for family members when dealing with grief over the loss of a loved one.

By speaking with one of our qualified funeral planning counselors, you will have taken the most important step towards “being prepared.”

Organize

We all have documents and information which others would have trouble locating: military discharge papers, Social Security numbers, bank accounts, safety deposit box keys, insurance policies, relatives’  addresses. All of these items must be organized to eliminate frustrating hours of searching and to be certain everything will be found.  Insurance companies report that life insurance benefits are often unclaimed because survivors were unaware a policy existed.  The diary in this booklet will help you organize your personal information.  And, we can assist you in making a permanent record of your wishes.

Consider

No matter what your final wishes, planning in advance permits choices and valuable input from those closest to you. Some considerations for your funeral service are listed below. Your decisions can be recorded in the diary pages at the back of this guide.

1. Have you selected a cemetery or memorial location?
2. Have you prepaid the funeral service?
3. Are certain religious or fraternal customs to be followed?
4. Do you wish a military service?
5. Do you prefer a particular charity as a recipient of memorial gifts?
6. Do you wish to name pallbearers?
7. Do you wish to be buried in particular clothing or jewelry?
8. Are there any special readings, biblical passages, or musical selections you prefer?
9. Would you prefer a casket of metal or hardwood, protective or non-protective?
10. What type of monument or marker do you prefer?

This list is far from complete, but it gives you an idea of the many decisions involved when planning a funeral. Our services help you make the decisions right for you.

Decide

To protect your family, you will want to make some decisions and arrangements. As experienced funeral directors, we can assist you in all stages of planning, from completing paperwork to helping and counseling the bereaved.  We retain a complete record of your plans to insure they are carried out on your behalf.

A funeral trust account or final expense insurance is not a requirement of pre-arrangement, but the benefits merit serious consideration.  By deciding on funeral cost now, you help your family avoid emotional overspending and safeguard life insurance benefits.

Finally, be sure to advise your family of your decisions and the arrangements you have made. Knowing everything is taken care of will give both you and your family peace of mind.

QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE:

What If I Move?

Your funeral plans can be transferred at any time if you should move. We can even recommend a reputable funeral home in your new community. Through pre-arrangement, you can be confident your wishes will be fulfilled wherever you may live.

What If I Die Away From Home?

If you are traveling or visiting another city when death occurs, your survivors should contact our funeral home immediately.  We will make the necessary arrangements with a funeral home in that location to assist with transfer.

What If I Change My Mind?

Our funeral home is established upon service to families. We respect  your wishes at all times and work hard to meet the special needs and requests from you and your family, both when planning ahead and at time of need. Together we can develop plans to meet your current needs.

What If Your Funeral Home Would Not Be In Business?

You can be assured your funds are protected by state and federal regulations regardless of the operation at our funeral home.  However, our funeral home has a long-standing reputation and is committed to continuing to serve the many families who have placed their trust in us.

Are Funerals Expensive?

The cost of a funeral depends on what you prefer.  We offer many services to choose from and a wide selection of caskets, vaults, and other memorials. Part of “being prepared” is knowing the cost so you will feel comfortable with the selections you make.  We are willing to discuss specific cost with you. Advance planning also helps you prepare for the expense and permits you to set aside the funds over a period of time.

What Type Of Funeral Service Do Most Families Select?

Most people prefer a traditional funeral.  However, we offer many other choices to make the service meaningful to the family.  Memorial services, musical request, cremation, military and fraternal tributes are just a few of the options we make available.  We try to honor any special preferences or requests.

What About Monuments And Memorials?

Often families prefer to arrange for monuments or memorials in advance.  It is important for you to find out the differences in quality, material, and workmanship as well as cemetery requirements before the need arises.

AS YOU PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE…

The personal choices you make now, with clarity of mind and concern for others, are once in a lifetime decisions.  We want you to know that you can depend on us for the professional guidance you expect.

As funeral directors, we are trained to provide personal, specialized attention to all the responsibilities surrounding death and funeral services.  We will help you consider your options and organize your plans.

Contact Cremation Options to talk about funeral planning or with any questions you may have.

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RELEVANCE OF THE STUDY FOR CREMATION OPTIONS

The study assumed that mortuary college students who perceived life with purpose and perceived the engagement in funeral and cremation service work as being meaningful were better prepared for a lasting career in funeral service than students without purpose in life and meaningful work perceptions.  Further implications of the above findings are summarized below.

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF MEANINGFUL WORK

The study reported that the experience of meaningful work was not tied exclusively to an external reward, such as pay, recognition or prominence.  Factors such as increased pay, more job responsibilities and promotion have not consistently demonstrated an ability to foster perceived meaning in the workplace.  Yet because meaning is so closely tied to mental well being, further research that promotes and accentuates higher meaning in the daily work of funeral service is warranted.

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF TRADITIONAL ORGANIZED RELIGION

The study suggested that multi faceted traditional religiosity in contrast to the generalized workplace spirituality touted by recent business studies, may also contribute significantly to the mental well being of funeral service professionals.  Religious belief alone was not a sufficient predictor of both life purpose and meaningful work.  However when belief was connected to the practice of religious activities and disciplines, both purpose in life and meaningful work perceptions were significantly affected.  As such there appears to be an incentive for funeral service practitioners who already indentify with an organized traditional faith to seek opportunities that further support and solidify personal faith based initiatives.

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF FUNERAL AND CREMATION SERVICE EXPERIENCE

The study reported that students with more than three years of experience in the funeral service seemed to demonstrate higher perceptions of both purpose in life and the engagement in funeral service work as meaningful.  The implications pointed to the importance of student exposure to heal time funeral service experiences.  In order for funeral service educators to foster greater student perception of life purpose and meaningful work, the value of field education, as an essential component to curriculum requirements, may need further emphasis.  The study seemed to have demonstrated a need for mortuary colleges to reassess the importance of field education as a possible means of reducing the reported levels of attrition as funeral service students enter the field following graduation.

CONCLUSION

What can be done to sustain the mental and emotional readiness of funeral professionals?  While there may be no easy answers for sustained longevity in this profession, the Oxford study suggested the vitality of a healthy diet of purpose and meaning in both life and work to enhance a positive self concept, decrease receptivity to depression and increase ability to manage stress.  For individuals who have courageously embraced the high calling of funeral and cremation services, there appears to be no substitute for perceiving a higher purpose in life as well as recognizing the true meaningfulness of the work that has often been labeled “the dismal trade.”

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You’re a widow or widower you have started to outlive your friends.

Family members live far away, have grown emotionally distant, or are simply busy with their own lives. You wonder if you will soon find yourself alone‐and that is a real concern to you. You fear being lonely, and worry about your safety if you have to live alone. You wonder whether you will be able to cope with whatever life brings along, from the simplest tasks to the larger issues. Is there any way to lay these fears to rest and move into your later years with confidence?

This article will suggest some things you can begin to do now to create the conditions that can lead to a full and happy life whether or not you find yourself living alone following the death of your partner.

Working your way through Your fears are hardly a new experience.
When you drew your first breath you expelled it with a cry because you were cold and frightened until someone’s loving arms cradled you. In no time at all you screamed at the sight of an unfamiliar face and had to somehow muster the courage to let go of a parental hand and take your first step(think for a minute how hard that was: Walking requires throwing ourselves off balance with each step!). Every major change in life is filled with risk: leaving home for the first time, saying “I do” to someone, raising children, changing jobs, moving to a new location. You have already proved yourself a survivor, and you will also manage this latest challenge, even if you find yourself doing so largely on your own.

Tend to relationships. You will surely say final good‐byes to people you have loved for many years, for every human life comes to an end. An ancient prayer attributed to the Aztecs protests this inevitability: “Oh, for so short a time you have loaned us one to the other!” make good use of the time you have, for any relationship needs to be tended to as carefully as a potted plant. When can never tell the people who are closest what they mean to use too often because the opportunity to do so can slip away in a split second.

One of my dearest friends recently suffered a massive stroke and died without warning. We had enjoyed a lengthy long distance phone conversation just a few days before her death, and I will always be grateful that our last words to each other were “I love you.” There is, of course, no way to replace someone dear, for each person is a unique and special gift. Nevertheless, there are a lot of people out there who could become close.

I recently went out to lunch with a young woman from church and her two young sons. I offered the invitation because I am head over heels in love with her 6 year old, but I quickly discovered that this mom and I have much more in common than one delightful little boy. Get involved in activities that bring you into contact with people who may become friends. Test out a senior citizens center or throw yourself into a new volunteer effort. And wherever you are, look around at the people you know only casually. Is there someone you sense you’d like to know better? When we were young, we could afford to let a casual relationship develop into friendship at a leisurely pace, but now that time is growing shorter, it’s better to give things just a little nudge.

Give yourself a nudge, too. Now might be a good time to heal some long‐estranged relationships. Begin by putting old injuries in perspective. Whatever the harm that drove a wedge between you and another family member or friend it is surely less important than being close at a time in your lives when you really need each other. Try, however tentatively, to reestablish loving contact. The person from whom you have been estranged hasn’t grown any younger either, and may respond better than you dare to hope. It is basic human truth that people desperately need each other. Remember that human beings not only need to be loved; they also need to love and nurture others. No one ever has to look far to find someone who needs a friendly word or some other kind of assistance. Spread a few smiles even as you run your errands, and be attentive to people who are ill or grief stricken.

Become more safety‐conscious. One of the most serious hazards for an older person is a fall. The tumble that might have left us bruised and achy when we were younger may cause more serious injury when we’re older. So take a good look around for things that might trip you up. Start with that most dangerous place home: the bathroom. The tub or shower should provide non‐slip footing.

Consider adding a shower stool and/or grab bars (some simply attach with suction cups). Be sure the “throne” is high enough or has something you can brace yourself with. Clear out the clutter so that you have a wide and easy pathway wherever you are going in your home. You can also sell or give away things you really don’t need. Move the things you use frequently to accessible shelves (get someone to help you do this!) or invest in a sturdy stepstool with a rail to hold onto for those times when you have to reach a little higher. Try to take good care of your health.

According to statistical studies, people are living longer and healthier lives than ever before. Half of the folks over 65 report no significant disability, and according to the 2000 census, less than 5 percent of us end up in nursing homes. Do your best to stay in the majority by seeing your doctor regularly and observing instructions to the letter. Plan ahead for emergencies. Ask someone to call you at an arranged time every day (this is a kindness you could exchange with another elderly person).

Consider something like an alert system that will bring help whenever you press the button hanging around your neck (check with your pharmacist for possible options). You can redefine your concept of independence. There is no shame in needing help! At their best, human beings are interdependent. It is a wonderful thing to be generous to other people when they need help. It is no less a gift to allow others even strangers, perhaps‐to give you a hand when you need it.

Explore available resources now. There is a lot of help available to older people. Begin with what’s closest at hand: your faith community. What kind of support is available for people living alone? My own community offers help with meals, transportation to medical appointments, phone calls, visits. Your city or region may offer services such as Meals on Wheels, visiting nurses, and transportation. Call your local Council on Aging or contact the U.S. Department of Health and Human Service’s Elder Care Locator (see “Sources of additional help” below) to learn what services are available where you live. Make a list of agencies you may someday have to use so that all you have to do when the need arises is make a phone call.

Learn to enjoy your own company. There is no end of satisfying things you can do alone (some of us have always known that!) in fact, most creative efforts require a degree of solitude. Make something beautiful with whatever tools you wield comfortably: a needle or a paint brush, carpentry or gardening tools. Write a story or record your memories for the local historical society. Read or work crossword or jigsaw puzzles. Try your hand at something you
have never done before. Most of all enrich your prayer life. Experiment with forms of prayer you haven’t tried before. Buy a tape that offers guided meditations. Try contemplation‐ just relaxing in the arms of your God. Explore the riches of your tradition’s scriptures. Or fall back into a prayer style you were once familiar with but haven’t used for a while.

Take heart your relationship with God is the one thing that will continue to sustain you all the days of your life and even beyond. Turn to God in faith and prayer, and reach out to those God puts into your life as companions on the journey. There is a path forward, and you don’t have to walk it alone.

Remember, we are here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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Not long after my dad died, a friend told me that there would come a time when his death would not be my first thought when I awake each morning. Though my friend had buried a loved one herself, I found the comment unbelievable. I could not imagine that there would be a day when grief was not my first morning companion. It never occurred to me that anyone could understand my grief.

WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

Now some years later a picture or a song or any number of things can unexpectedly remind me of my dad and stir the grief that never completely fades away. His death however is no longer my waking thought each day. I did not understand those words of consolation when they were given to me. I wasn’t ready to hear them. But I did hold on to them. Your grief may seem to personal and your feelings for the loved one who is gone too personal and sacred for anyone to understand. And now your loneliness and longing may seem too private as well. There are some things you can do however to both honor your grief and feel less isolated.

DON’T MEASURE OR COMPARE

There is no “right” or universal way to grieve just as there is no one single timeline on which to chart the course of grief. Some of us get angry and some are blinded by denial. Some try stoically to control their emotions and may seem to have hearts of stone while others get lost in minute detail. For some grief is locked inside numbness and shock while for others feelings are easily expressed and tears flow freely. When her mom died at age 62 Sue’s grief looked very different from the grief of her four siblings. She seemed obsessed with insignificant details about the funeral and cremation services and at times even a bit frivolous and giddy. It was easy to be annoyed with her tempting to judge her. But to do so would have created even more heartache. For reasons solely her own, Sue had found it impossible to think about what seemed imminent and unavoidable to her siblings. It wasn’t that she didn’t care. She cared so much she didn’t know what to do or where to begin. What seemed like indifference only masked the depth of the grief.

NAME THE SENSE OF ISOLATION

Grief is isolating precisely because we often fell that no one understands and it sometimes seems easier just to be alone. So the young woman whose mother has died spends hours alone in her bedroom. The widower avoids the awkwardness of couples’ dinner parties, not wanting to be a “third wheel.” The mother who has buried her only son withdraws from commitments and gatherings, insisting she would ruin it for the others. Isolation can seem easier but it really is not, for it robs us of the connection to people that will ultimately heal our broken hearts. Be patient. Admit the feelings of isolation and say aloud that “these feelings will not last forever.” In due time it will be easier to reconnect with the people whom you need to help you move out of the bedroom, the house, or the cave of your own heart. A friend whose daughter died at the age of 23 holds out hope for others: “when Janet died a part of me died also. I was broken. I had changed. I didn’t want to be different but I was. It wasn’t easy for people to understand that. It was difficult to see people going about their business as if nothing had changed. Everything had changed for me. I am so much better now, thanks to wonderful family and friends; they are god’s grace.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED

Not long ago I watched a respected member of our parish community leave mass early. As a devout Catholic this early departure would have at one time been unthinkable to him. But his wife’s recent death has turned his world upside down. Church is now a place where time slows down and his grief unfolds. As he walked past me that day he whispered, “pray for me.” It was a remarkable request from a man whom the world would deem successful and “in control.” Yet in that moment he wore his pain and vulnerability like a cross. “It never occurred to me that anyone could understand my grief.” Do not be afraid of the pain or the tears-and do not be afraid to share them. If you take the lead others know it is OK to talk with you about the loss, t o send a note of support and to respond in some way with compassion. And even though no one can completely understand your experience of grief, their attempts to reach out to you will bring healing and consolation. Support groups of people who have experienced similar losses to your own can also provide a way of reaching out.

GIVE YOURSELF A CREATIVE OUTLET

For many years I watched our daughters write college entrance and scholarship essays that demanded time and energy and were a source of great complaint. Yet when all was said and done the essays themselves gave expression to insights and feelings never before recognized or expressed. If we feel trapped in self absorption and think that no one understands, writing can help us work through some parts of grief. I asked a friend what has helped her survive the losses of her young sister, her mother and her best friend. I asked because in spite of the losses in her life, there is a joy about Kate that draws others to her. She wrote a long journal entry that included this: “losing someone you love especially someone young, feels like being attacked or robbed in your home. My 20 year friendship with Mary Beth was a beautiful piece of creative art that was being fashioned by us on a daily basis. Without her the piece can never be complete….More than two years and I still grieve…still grief allows you to be truly human, imperfect, and humbled by your inability to cope, and desperate for help and understanding from others. It then lays the groundwork for compassion for others. I think that grief teaches us that we are really all alike no matter what we look like or where we come from.” A journal need not be the only tool to use to work through grief. Putting together a book of photos and letters, writing a poem, or painting a picture all provide ways beyond the spoken word to express feelings. It won’t all be pretty or worthy of publication. But ideas and perceptions will be formed, fostering a greater sense of self-understanding that one day can lead to a sense of joy that right now may be impossible to imagine.

TAKE IT TO GOD

For as much as we know that god is with us in pain and sorrow, it sometimes seems that the last place grief takes us is to god. We are afraid perhaps to test god with our anger. We cannot understand how a loving god allows such pain. We have lived our lives with an image of god that promises only good to those who are faithful. In the face of terrible loss we may need to reexamine who god is. This remains true: in the midst of isolation and fear, when it does indeed seem that no one understands, god who created us and inexplicably knows each of us -this god does understand. The mother of two daughters both diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, wrote this about their early years: “when they were young I would get so angry at god. I suppose I was frustrated at not being able to ‘fix’ what was wrong with them. I remember when confessing this anger a priest told me that he thought the anger was a form of prayer. What a wonderful thing it was to hear that. I did not know the priest and I am sure he never knew how much he helped me with those words. I realized later that of course, I should have been angry-and who knew better than god? God understood the anger and frustration.” So we pray with whatever is in our hearts. Words may pour out in anger or despair or the words of scripture may help. Psalm 31 could be prayed in bits and pieces all day long: “in you O lord I seek refuge…. Into your hand I commit my spirit…My eye wastes away from grief, my soul and body also….my strength fails because of my misery….I have passed out of mind like one who is dead…But I trust in you, O lord.” The prayer of the psalms reminds us that we are not
isolated, we are not alone. Grief is sacred, and so is healing, god is a refuge. God is worthy of our trust, god will in time give us peace.

TAKE HEART

My friend Kitty who has known her share of suffering and loss, lives by a spiritual rule that I have often found challenging: in all things gratitude. It is difficult at times to find a reason to be grateful and this is one of those times. But this grief is also a gift that reminds us of our own capacity to love and be loved. Grief is borne of the loss of human relationship; the deeper we have loved, the deeper the grief. None of us would ever relinquish the privilege of having loved, the gift of having held, cherished, and cared for the other. So with hearts filled with pain, and eyes filled with tears, we nonetheless give thanks for the incredible gift of love that will be ours for the rest of our days.

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