CREMATION OPTIONS

Shakespeare said it best. We need to be true to ourselves and know ourselves. Easy to say but it is so hard to achieve!

How can we help others when we do not know ourselves? Death is an interesting subject in our Western society. Socially we are trained not to think about death, talk about death and therefore we have very few skills to cope with death when it does arrive in our lives. Working in the funeral industry we have a bit more of a comfort level around people who are dying or who have passed away than perhaps those in the general population. However that does not mean we have dealt with our own concepts or fears of death. Usually when we are confronted with a death in our own personal lives we still have to face the same social handicaps other non-funeral industry professionals do.

One of the most important things funeral directors can do to relate to a grieving family is to come to grips with their own mortality and concept of death. Why should we come to grips with our own mortality? What might the payoff for our business be? Grieving people tend to know when people are patronizing them or are just “going through the motions.” Many people have written and stated that their funeral home and cremation experience was a disaster because the funeral director just could not relate to what they wanted or what they were experiencing. Others have noted that their funeral director seemed uncomfortable with their loss. This is particularly true with the loss of a child. We communicate to people in many ways, and not just through words. Body language, hand usage while talking, the way we say the words and eye contact are all conveyed while we are interacting with a family.

If you are uncomfortable with a topic, the family will know. If you
cannot communicate with them on their level they will know. They might not tell you buy they will know and next time they may go to your competitor down the street who might relate to them better. Communication with our families can be done on many levels and if you stay “in your head” without due introspection emotionally, people know and tend to withdraw. Introspection is something many of us tend to shy away from in our day-to-day lives. It takes work, time and energy, which are things we do not have in copious quantities. However there is great value in making time to muse over the larger questions of dying and coming to terms with our own concept of mortality.

CONCEPT ONE: LIFE IS PREDICTABLE

Many people often feel that life is very predictable and under their control. Death teaches us that is not true. All that was
thought would continue forever has abruptly stopped with death. All that we thought was structured and defined no longer has meaning. We can no longer answer the question with certainty, “what will happen today?” Death reveals how
mistaken we are in believing in “happily ever after.” When death hits us closely, the loss is difficult to accept. It seems we will weep forever, and that we might never assimilate the loss of our dear one into our previously predictable life. There might be a feeling of denial and/or disbelief. Gradually however we are able to understand and integrate the loss with our feelings of permanence. Death may give us the chance to discover that we cannot always foresee or control events in our lives. It gives us a chance to redefine our belief systems. We may even be forced to look at our own mortality, as well as life beyond or life without the one who died. This can be a lengthy process. We may have to rework and struggle with our old expectations and our patterns of behavior and interaction. Our hopes may change. We may mourn and in that
process learn to know others and ourselves in an entirely new way. Yet the very construction of a new belief system that
includes loss, death and change shows us that there is no permanence to life. Thus death can be a positive thing. Our
lives can become enriched.

People often acknowledge the following benefits of death:
• There is a greater ability to appreciate life
• There is a shift of attention away from trivial or small matters in daily life
• There is a greater focus on what truly matters to each person
• Life itself is not taken for granted
• Each day is precious and enjoyed
• There is less future planning
• More time is spent with loved ones
• Since there is less certainty of the future, time is spent in the here and now
• New things are appreciated and sought out
• Seeing and listening become more active and in the present

CONCEPT TWO: DEATH HAS MEANING

While the above benefits seem to occur after a death there are some strategies for coping with loss that include the
concept that there is meaning in the experience. Those who have a strong religious belief often rely on their faith to get
them through the loss and ensuing difficult times. Faith seems to give solace as well as a helpful explanation of why the
death occurred. Often religiously oriented mourners already have a scheme of life and death that will work for them to
help them get through feelings of hopelessness regarding their loss. They do not need to construct a new belief system.
Their faith often includes a belief in an afterlife as well as the thought that their loved one is in a “better place” or
“heaven.” For other people the belief in an afterlife encompasses the idea that the deceased person lives on in the memories of those who are still living. Some people view the mind and spirit as being identical. Thus mental and spiritual
growth is often lumped together to mean one and the same thing. This may not be valid for you. You may find meaning
in the understanding that you have grown mentally, emotionally or spiritually from your loss. All forms of growth or any
kind of growth at all can give meaning to the loss you have experienced. When we search for meaning in our experience
of loss we dig deep into our hearts and look at what we are learning and how we have grown or can grow in the future
because of the event of death. We may glimpse why we have been separated physically from our loved one. We may find
that we can do things that are meaningful because we are forced to. Thus the death of your loved one becomes a catalyst
for change.

POSSIBLE CONCEPTS FOR MEANING IN GRIEF AND LOSS

We get an opportunity to make behavioral choices that allow us to be active participants in the grieving process and acceptance of cremation services.

1. We can control our responses to our loss and direct our thoughts.
2. We face the reality of death, and the concept that time as we know it does not go on forever.
3. We can learn to stay connected to the one who had died.
4. We learn that those who have died continue to influence the living.
5. Our sense of spirituality can develop if we choose to let it.
6. Predictability and control concepts can be revised to include loss.
7. We can open our mind to new concepts, read new literature, talk to new people. If we have survived the death
of a loved one (a new experience) then we can survive and indeed grow from other new experiences.
8. In time you will develop your own personal meaning for your loss

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

Cremation, Grief, Religion beliefs, cremation ideas, death, Grief, values

There is no “magic pill” that can immediately heal a grieving heart or spiri following the death of a friend or family member. But there are coping skills ‐tools‐that you use to help you heal and be able to enjoy life again.

YOUR ANGER MAY SURPRISE YOU

You may notice an increase in irritability and impatience, snapping at others with the least provocation. One day when thinking of your loved one you may feel extreme anger at that person for leaving you instead of sadness. Anger is a human emotion. Try to let it go without harming yourself or others but do not blame yourself for feeling it.

FIND WAYS TO FILL THE VOID

When someone or something that played a major role in your daily life is gone there tends to be a huge void that can magnify grief. Part of the process of grieving is to begin to reweave the social fabric of your life. You may have spent hours every day with your beloved: how do you fill that time now? Recognize that bit by bit you will have to shift the emotion and energy once dedicated to this relationship to other people or activities.

AVOID DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

It’s only natural to want to numb the pain of losing your loved one. But in addition to physical problems, chronic use of drugs or alcohol “freezes” you emotions, preventing the process of grieving from unfolding. Alcohol is also a depressant. In small quantities it can take the edge off handling raw emotions, but in increased quantities it depresses the central nervous system. If you are already coping with a mental health problem such as depression excess alcohol use can make you feel more depressed and can interfere with the efficacy of depression medication.

USE GRIEF AS A MEANS TO GROW

As personal as your grief is no one escapes losing their loved ones. We all have to confront death and loss. Remembering that death is a natural part of life can be a springboard for spiritual growth. Grief is a powerful emotion but you do have a choice in how you manage it.

CREATE YOUR OWN RITUAL

Human beings constantly seek meaning in life. Whether through writing music, or artwork, we strive to understand our experience on earth. Wakes and funerals are the way society publicly acknowledges the death of a loved one, but you can create your own special funeral memorial or ritual. Gather special reminders of your loved one. Take time to let your senses take in all the meaning the objects symbolize.

DON’T GO IT ALONE

Although being social may be the last thing on your mind, staying connected with those who care about you or those who share the same experience of loss may be extremely comforting. One grief support resource, Good Grief Groups, developed by Georgia Chaplain Cecil W. Fike is a popular highly respected group workshop offered through the pastoral care office of some faith communities, health institutions, and funeral homes. Drawing from the work of grief experts, Granger Westberg and J William Worden this eight session workbook based group focuses on fostering an atmosphere of listening and sharing to facilitate the process of healing.

SPECIAL DAYS ARE DIFFICULT DAYS

If a special day like a holiday, anniversary, or birthday is approaching that you suspect may be difficult‐filled with memories of your beloved‐don’t wait; reach out to friends, loved ones, and your community for support. You may be surprised at how many people want to offer you comfort.

TAKE HEART

Grief is a “death and resurrection” experience. For Christmas Jesus had to go through the death of Good Friday to enter the new life of Easter. Even if you practice another faith tradition, trying to reframe your own loss and pain as a process of death and new life can give you hope that you will break through to the other side of sadness to experience joy again. Do your best to take care of the “essentials” and trust God to do the rest.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

Cremation, Grief, Religion, healing coping, death, Grief, grieving, healing

My first volunteer experience was ministering to people suffering from or affected by HIV/AIDS.

All of those who volunteered were expected to participate in a health education course. As I scanned the long day’s agenda my attention was drawn to a grief workshop. I had recently lost an older relative and was looking forward to gaining some insight for myself as well as for my future charges. As the attendees filed into the small classroom my eyes were drawn to something written on the whiteboard in bold letters: “grief is not an option.” At first it didn’t quite register. But as the speaker shared her own story, the message was very clear. “After experiencing a significant loss, you may think your stiff upper lip will help you escape the roller coaster of emotions bound up in grieving the death of someone close to you. But even if you don’t cry now or feel the wide range of grief‐induced reactions in a day or two one way or another you will grieve…grief will find a way to manifest itself…in lots of surprising ways you might never have expected.”

WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

There is no “magic pill” that can immediately heal a grieving heart or spirit. But there are coping skills ‐tools‐that you use to help you heal and be able to enjoy life again.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED

If there’s any one thing to expect in the first months of grief it’s the unexpected. As a human being your emotions, including grief, will be as unique as you are: predicting you will feel this way for two weeks or that way for three months is impossible. But there are a wide range of physical, emotional and psychological signs and symptoms that are possible to experience in your journey through grief. And learning what they are and how they can affect you may be the best way to allow yourself the freedom to grieve.

BECOME AWARE OF UNACKNOWLEDGED LOSS

Most people associate the physical death of a person with the words grief or mourning. Any significant loss however can be felt as significant loss to be mourned. So expanding you definition of grief or loss is a great way to reframe some of the challenges you’ve experienced in your life. A friend who lost her beloved dog told me how surprised she was at the depth of her sorrow. But I also knew that she had experienced other significant losses in her life she barely spoke about; the murder of a brother some 20 years ago, the recent death of another brother from cancer and the sadness that often accompanies families torn apart by alcoholism. Her ungrieved losses came pouring out, released by the loss of this family pet. Once you redefine loss and grief for yourself construct a grief timeline, identifying and accounting for all the losses in your life you may have struggled off as “nothing.” Many of the people I work with find this exercise extremely revealing, as well as moving. It’s not uncommon for me to hear, “you know, losing my job was the hardest thing I’ve experienced; it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore.”

THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE

In her groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler‐Ross found through her work with the dying that over and over again the process of life coming to an end seemed to follow a particular pattern. Ultimately she identified stages of dying to help people recognize and normalize the very strong emotional reactions to death. In the field of grief work, experts have also described certain “stages” with which people may identify as well. Sometimes these stages are sequential, sometimes they’re not. “To spare oneself from grief at all cost can only be achieved at the price of total detachment which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”

MAKE FRIENDS WITH DENIAL

Denial often gets a bad rap. In everyday conversation it’s come to mean a way of avoiding painful or difficult issues. Denial however is a defense mechanism which in the case of grieving significant loss can be protective. Denial is a psychological buffer, giving you a temporary respite before you are able to handle the profound sorrow that comes with the loss of a loved one.

GRIEVING CAN BE A PHYSICAL HURT

After I received news that my dad had died, my throat felt as if it were closing. There was pressure and tightness in my chest; my heart was pounding. That night I couldn’t sleep and in the morning when I awoke my whole body ached as if I had the flu. In between crying bouts, I caught myself sighing as if I had run 100 miles. When you’re grieving be gentle with yourself. Take a break from your pain by focusing on things you love to do.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

Cremation, Grief, healing death, dying, Grief, grieving, healing

When Bill complained of severe stomach pain the doctors removed his gallbladder. They discovered that the blockage was due not to stones but to cancer that had clogged the duct‐and invaded his liver. They decided to move him directly from the recovery room to the hospice unit. Bill’s wife collapsed in tears that did not stop for days. The son who had been distant from his dad for a number of years struggled with guilt. His daughter a nurse was afraid of what lay ahead for her dad. Bill himself had no intention of dying. He insisted moving out of the hospice unit and starting chemotherapy. “I can lick this thing,” he insisted.

Sorrow, guilt, fear of the future, denial- Bill and his family reacted to the news of his condition with very strong emotions, but none of them reacted in the same way. Each of them knew that a terrible loss lay ahead: they began to grieve over what was going to happen. If someone you love is terminally ill, you are also struggling with strong feelings. Your loved one is grieving, too for he or she faces leaving everyone dear behind. Watching a loved one suffer and decline is one of life’s most trying experiences. You wonder how in the world you are going to live through this ordeal‐and how you are going to go on without a person who has been such an important part of your life.

The road that lies ahead of you may be the hardest you have ever traveled. At the same time it offers many opportunities to enrich you life and the time that remains to the person you love.

When something that just “can’t happen” looms on the horizon our instinctive reaction is to refuse to believe it is true. We tell ourselves that doctors make mistakes that surely there’s some miracle cure just around the corner that the god who has always been so good to us will provide a miracle. While we may take some comfort in such thoughts, and we have every reason to seek additional opinions and reasonable treatments, if we end up in complete denial of the situation, that only adds to the suffering. The wiser course is to allow yourself to gently accept reality as it presents itself and gently lead other family members to do the same, including the person who is so seriously ill. At the same time don’t expect everyone to be on the same page. The grief all of you are feeling can give rise to many different emotions. One person may respond with anger‐not really at you, but at the situation. Another may be busily trying to strike a bargain with god while someone else may be paralyzed by depression. Allow people to be where they need to be without criticism.

You will need support for you need to take care of two people‐your loved one and yourself. Ask you faith community and your friends to pray for the strength you will need. No one knows exactly how you feel. But other people have gone through a similar struggle, and they can tell you how they coped. Search for a support group in your area. Organizations concerned with particular diseases (the American cancer society and the alzheimer’s association for example) also offer support to family members. The hospice movement offers tender care for the dying at home or in the hospital and loving support for families. Medical and pastoral personnel and volunteers will do everything possible to keep an ill person comfortable. In addition they will help you understand what to expect and provide necessary opportunities for you to leave the bedside to run errands, keep appointments or just take a break. “We can’t control what may lie ahead or what lies behind but we can live fully in what is now.” Friends want to help but they won’t know what to do unless you tell them. They can’t make the hurt go away, but they can help make life a little easier for you in many ways. Ask them to help with meals, give you a break from the bedside, lend a hand with household chores or just be there to listen or to give you a hug. Wrap yourself in their affection and use their shoulders to cry on when that’s what you need to do. Most of all keep in touch with god. Trust yourself to the most loving arms of all. Speak and pray your fear, your sorrow, even your anger (God can take it).

Even people who love each other clearly inflict hurt on each other, that’s human nature. We take the people close to us so much for granted that we sometimes neglect to treat them as well as we would the most casual acquaintances. Even the happiest relationships know careless moments. Probably neither you nor your loved one can name many of these, although you surely know small ways in which you have bugged each other over the years. Seek an opportunity to admit your human frailty and to express the hope that you have never inflicted serious harm. You needn’t grovel: begin with saying how deep your love has always been and how much you hope the other person has known that even when you didn’t show it very well. Where a serious rift exists now is a good time to try for a bit of healing. Reach out and extend an invitation to visit. The dying person may once have held enormous power to inflict hurt, but that power is ebbing away with his or her life. Just seeing that person become helpless can assuage long‐held bitter feelings. (Trust me on this one I’ve been there.)

Take heart!

You will of course face grief after death comes but using this time well will make it easier. You will have already begun the work that mourning entails. And the loving god who gave you the strength to make it through this final time will still be with your gently guiding you to wholeness and happiness.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

Cremation, Funeral Planner, Grief, Religion, healing Cremation, death, dying, faith, Grief, terminal illness

CREATE A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR LOVED ONE

“Letting go” of a deceased loved one is a scary thought for most people. Doing grief work does not wipe out the memory
of a loved one. On the contrary one of the real challenges of this time of bereavement is to create a new relationship with
your loved one without a physical presence. As Robert Anderson playwright of I Never Sang for My Father, beautifully
states “Death ends a life not a relationship.” You face the task of creating that new relationship‐one of heart, mind and
spirit. Incorporating your loved one’s values and passions into your own life and passing them on to others will create a
living memorial that will keep alive the essence of your loved one and bring you comfort. Allow the bittersweet memories
to carve a holy place deep in your soul where you know your loved one will always be. Once that love is secure, you will
find renewed energy for creating your new life. As one of my young widowed friends described it, “I know Charlie will
always be a golden thread in my heart.”

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT YOUR BELIEFS

It is virtually impossible to experience the death of a significant person in our lives without stirring up spiritual struggles.
Those struggles may involve not only our beliefs about the afterlife but also our beliefs about life in the present. We can
choose to believe for example that “nothing good can come from this terrible loss” or that “something positive can still
come out of this.” We can believe that “I will never love or be happy again” or that “it’s possible I will find love and
happiness in the future.” Whatever beliefs we create for ourselves we will sent about gathering evidence to support
them. Therein lies the challenge for rebuilding your life. What do you choose to believe about your life and the future?
Author Henri Nouwen offers this thought” those who expect joy to come out of sadness can discover the beginnings of a
new life in the center of the old.

LOOK FOR A TURNING POINT

“Why did this happen to my loved one and to me? Is the question which reverberates endlessly in the mind of someone
suffering a loss. For most people this question has no satisfactory answer in this life. Some people get stuck in their
feelings of anger‐at god, at the loved one for leaving, at medical personnel or at themselves for not having done enough.
Indulging the feeling of being treated unfairly avoids the hard but healing work of the grief process. It’s a true turning
point in your grief when you are able to give up asking “why?” and instead ask, “now that this has happened what shall I
do?” This new question acknowledges that your life has been forever changed but that you are open to what is yet to be.
Perhaps the words of Helen Keller express it best: “when one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look
so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

TAKE HEART

As you journey down the path of grief, you may feel you’re wandering in a dense fog‐uncertain of what lies ahead or
which way to turn. You may wonder if you’ll ever see the sun again. There are signposts along grief’s path, however that
will help you to know you’re headed in the right direction. Days will come when you’re not totally consumed with
thoughts of your loved one‐which will create space and time for new thoughts, activities, and people. Your energy level
an ability to concentrate will begin to improve. You’ll be able to laugh once again without feeling guilty. Memories of
your loved one will no longer double you over in pain, but instead bring warmth to your heart. You’ll be able to invest
yourself in new relationships and endeavors. And then one morning you’ll realize that the fog has finally lifted and you’ll
see the sun shining brightly once again. May god be with you on your healing journey!

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

Cremation, Grief, Religion, healing death, Grief, healing