Cremation Options: What If I End Up Alone?
You’re a widow or widower you have started to outlive your friends.
Family members live far away, have grown emotionally distant, or are simply busy with their own lives. You wonder if you will soon find yourself alone‐and that is a real concern to you. You fear being lonely, and worry about your safety if you have to live alone. You wonder whether you will be able to cope with whatever life brings along, from the simplest tasks to the larger issues. Is there any way to lay these fears to rest and move into your later years with confidence?
This article will suggest some things you can begin to do now to create the conditions that can lead to a full and happy life whether or not you find yourself living alone following the death of your partner.
Working your way through Your fears are hardly a new experience.
When you drew your first breath you expelled it with a cry because you were cold and frightened until someone’s loving arms cradled you. In no time at all you screamed at the sight of an unfamiliar face and had to somehow muster the courage to let go of a parental hand and take your first step(think for a minute how hard that was: Walking requires throwing ourselves off balance with each step!). Every major change in life is filled with risk: leaving home for the first time, saying “I do” to someone, raising children, changing jobs, moving to a new location. You have already proved yourself a survivor, and you will also manage this latest challenge, even if you find yourself doing so largely on your own.
Tend to relationships. You will surely say final good‐byes to people you have loved for many years, for every human life comes to an end. An ancient prayer attributed to the Aztecs protests this inevitability: “Oh, for so short a time you have loaned us one to the other!” make good use of the time you have, for any relationship needs to be tended to as carefully as a potted plant. When can never tell the people who are closest what they mean to use too often because the opportunity to do so can slip away in a split second.
One of my dearest friends recently suffered a massive stroke and died without warning. We had enjoyed a lengthy long distance phone conversation just a few days before her death, and I will always be grateful that our last words to each other were “I love you.” There is, of course, no way to replace someone dear, for each person is a unique and special gift. Nevertheless, there are a lot of people out there who could become close.
I recently went out to lunch with a young woman from church and her two young sons. I offered the invitation because I am head over heels in love with her 6 year old, but I quickly discovered that this mom and I have much more in common than one delightful little boy. Get involved in activities that bring you into contact with people who may become friends. Test out a senior citizens center or throw yourself into a new volunteer effort. And wherever you are, look around at the people you know only casually. Is there someone you sense you’d like to know better? When we were young, we could afford to let a casual relationship develop into friendship at a leisurely pace, but now that time is growing shorter, it’s better to give things just a little nudge.
Give yourself a nudge, too. Now might be a good time to heal some long‐estranged relationships. Begin by putting old injuries in perspective. Whatever the harm that drove a wedge between you and another family member or friend it is surely less important than being close at a time in your lives when you really need each other. Try, however tentatively, to reestablish loving contact. The person from whom you have been estranged hasn’t grown any younger either, and may respond better than you dare to hope. It is basic human truth that people desperately need each other. Remember that human beings not only need to be loved; they also need to love and nurture others. No one ever has to look far to find someone who needs a friendly word or some other kind of assistance. Spread a few smiles even as you run your errands, and be attentive to people who are ill or grief stricken.
Become more safety‐conscious. One of the most serious hazards for an older person is a fall. The tumble that might have left us bruised and achy when we were younger may cause more serious injury when we’re older. So take a good look around for things that might trip you up. Start with that most dangerous place home: the bathroom. The tub or shower should provide non‐slip footing.
Consider adding a shower stool and/or grab bars (some simply attach with suction cups). Be sure the “throne” is high enough or has something you can brace yourself with. Clear out the clutter so that you have a wide and easy pathway wherever you are going in your home. You can also sell or give away things you really don’t need. Move the things you use frequently to accessible shelves (get someone to help you do this!) or invest in a sturdy stepstool with a rail to hold onto for those times when you have to reach a little higher. Try to take good care of your health.
According to statistical studies, people are living longer and healthier lives than ever before. Half of the folks over 65 report no significant disability, and according to the 2000 census, less than 5 percent of us end up in nursing homes. Do your best to stay in the majority by seeing your doctor regularly and observing instructions to the letter. Plan ahead for emergencies. Ask someone to call you at an arranged time every day (this is a kindness you could exchange with another elderly person).
Consider something like an alert system that will bring help whenever you press the button hanging around your neck (check with your pharmacist for possible options). You can redefine your concept of independence. There is no shame in needing help! At their best, human beings are interdependent. It is a wonderful thing to be generous to other people when they need help. It is no less a gift to allow others even strangers, perhaps‐to give you a hand when you need it.
Explore available resources now. There is a lot of help available to older people. Begin with what’s closest at hand: your faith community. What kind of support is available for people living alone? My own community offers help with meals, transportation to medical appointments, phone calls, visits. Your city or region may offer services such as Meals on Wheels, visiting nurses, and transportation. Call your local Council on Aging or contact the U.S. Department of Health and Human Service’s Elder Care Locator (see “Sources of additional help” below) to learn what services are available where you live. Make a list of agencies you may someday have to use so that all you have to do when the need arises is make a phone call.
Learn to enjoy your own company. There is no end of satisfying things you can do alone (some of us have always known that!) in fact, most creative efforts require a degree of solitude. Make something beautiful with whatever tools you wield comfortably: a needle or a paint brush, carpentry or gardening tools. Write a story or record your memories for the local historical society. Read or work crossword or jigsaw puzzles. Try your hand at something you
have never done before. Most of all enrich your prayer life. Experiment with forms of prayer you haven’t tried before. Buy a tape that offers guided meditations. Try contemplation‐ just relaxing in the arms of your God. Explore the riches of your tradition’s scriptures. Or fall back into a prayer style you were once familiar with but haven’t used for a while.
Take heart your relationship with God is the one thing that will continue to sustain you all the days of your life and even beyond. Turn to God in faith and prayer, and reach out to those God puts into your life as companions on the journey. There is a path forward, and you don’t have to walk it alone.
Remember, we are here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.