As I write this I am just weeks away from the first anniversary of the death of a very dear friend. Rick was just past his 50 th birthday-which I helped him celebrate-when he died suddenly and unexpectedly, while finishing up his usual morning run. All of us who knew and loved Rick were absolutely devastated and those first few days after his death became a blur of pain, sadness, anger and confusion as we gathered to mourn, to try to make sense of the loss, and also to remember the wonderful gift that Rick was in all of our lives, as a friend and as a beloved priest. Then came all the days afterward-and now we approach the first anniversary. Rick’s loved ones have been through the seasons with all of the “firsts”-holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, last visits. Each of these moments brought its own special grief, as it will for you as you move through the first year of loss.
WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH
I lost a dear friend. You may have lost your spouse or a close family member. Your adjustment to this loss may be immense and sometimes you will feel overwhelmed by the changes in your daily life because this person is missing. But if you move through your loss a day at a time you will slowly make progress in coping with and accepting it. The one thing to try to avoid is getting “stuck” in your pain and sadness during this first year, unable to work through or move beyond it. So keep working with it. Even though it may not feel this way right now, time, and your own efforts will begin to heal your heart. You can achieve a sense of peace after this loss. Here are some steps that have helped me through the first year.
FEEL THE PAIN
It is human nature to try to avoid or delay feeling the pain-whether it is physical or emotional pain. We don’t like it, we don’t think it can possibly be good for us. We don’t want to feel “bad”-and pain is bad, isn’t it? In fact pain is neither a good nor bad it simply is. It is an indication that something is wrong, that something has happened to upset the balance in our bodies or in our souls. It is a messenger; it is not the message. And we need to pay attention to the pain when it comes. Initially after Rick died, I cried every day. There was this huge hole in my heart, it edges jagged and sharp, where I had held Rick and his friendship before his death. I felt such emptiness and I was very angry that this wonderful person with so much yet to give our needy world, had been ripped from my life and the lives of all who loved him. Feeling all of this pain is the first step in the grieving process and in making your way through the first year. Until the pain is felt deeply and the loss is truly acknowledged, It’s not possible to move on to celebrating the life of the loved one. So I let the tears come. At the same time as you move through the pain you can add some balance to your experience by spending time each day nurturing life. Maybe you like to garden or tend house plants. Spend time at play with a pet. Hold a child in your lap and imagine the future. Reflect on the cycle of life-how it never ends! Whatever feeds your spirit will strengthen your connection with life and with the loved one you lost.
REACH OUT TO OTHERS WHO SHARE THE PAIN
The day Rick died I received several phone calls from others who were mutual friends. As one friend put it “I just wanted to reach out to someone else who knew him and was close to him.” I understood that so well. We wanted to draw together to share our sorrow. “The first year of loss brings many challenging moments but also opportunities for healing and gratitude.” The gathering of community is very important after a significant loss. We want to be with others who understand and are sympathetic to our loss. There is comfort in shared sadness and grief, and more freedom to express your sorrow. This reaching out can carry through the entire first year. When a holiday or significant date rolls around on the calendar you may think you’re the only one who can’t get your loved one off your mind. You may start to wonder what’s wrong with you. But contact someone else who you know was affected by the loss and you will be reassured quickly that what you’re going through is natural. As Rick’s birthday arrived for the first time after his death, I remembered celebrating it with him the year before. In fact this was the last time I had visited with him. I began thinking of his family, co-workers, and other friends and I wondered if they too, were remembering. So I sent a note and received a response that affirmed that indeed they were all remembering and thinking of him too. “You’re not alone,” said the note. How good to hear that.
CHERISH AND CELEBRATE THE MEMORIES
Initially it is natural to be focused on the death and the circumstances around it, but as time passes it becomes easier to remember good times and joyful occasions that you shared with your loved one. And it is okay-and healthy-to smile or laugh at what you remember. As time passes, when you think of the person you will be more likely to remember with a smile and with gratitude the gift this person has been in your life. At this point in my grief journey I am able to look over at the picture of Rick on the shelf as I work at my computer and usually it triggers some memory of a time we spent together and I feel good. I can imagine his smile I can recall his voice and perhaps even some of his words. And I know that he would want me to be moving on, just as your loved one would want more for you than sorrow as you continue to live out your life.
CREATE YOUR OWN RITUALS AND MEMORIALS
To honor the memories you have, you can engage in different rituals and memorials that will help you move through the pages of the calendar and also to move through the pages of the calendar and also to move through the grief process. Some faith traditions will celebrate a worship service in memory of a particular person. Flowers might be placed in the worship space in honor of your loved one on a special occasion. You can keep pictures displayed of a loved one- someplace where you will see them each day and have a chance just to pause and remember the blessing that person was for you. A friend told me the story of honoring his mother in a special way after her death, with a license plate on his car that read “THNXMOM.” Six months after my own mother died some ten years ago, I was gathered with my family and my dad for Thanksgiving-the first since her death-and I had a single red rose (my mom’s favorite) at the empty place at our table. Our prayer before the meal was especially for my mother and the loss we all felt, but it was also a celebration of the time we had together -it was Thanksgiving! Create your own rituals and memorials during the calendar year to mark the loss. Pay attention to holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special days. Try to anticipate these dates and take some time to plan ahead for them.
FIND COMFORT AND HOPE IN PRAYER
Nothing seems to draw us into our faith traditions more quickly than the death of a loved one. Even if we thought we had it all together before that when loss comes and we feel the pain of that loss we begin to ask the “big” questions of life again. Loss seems to have this power in our lives and it brings the opportunity to seek comfort, peace and healing in your faith tradition and in prayer to god. Sometimes it is hard to pray when you are in pain and distress and you may wonder if anyone is listening. This is just the time you need most to turn to god for solace. Maybe it will be best for you to just sit in silence alone or with a support person. Perhaps you can pray the Psalms and find your feelings expressed. You may need to pour out your anger and disappointment in this loss. Whatever practice is comfortable for you and seems to help you in this time is appropriate.
TAKE HEART
The first year after a loved one’s death is uniquely painful. But it you pay attention to your grief during this time you will be better able to accept the loss and to be at peace. Along the way pay attention to your focus each day. You have experienced a wound and this first year is a healing period. Even so you will discover that the grief journey is not just about death and loss but also about hope, gratitude, and cherished memories.
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