CREMATION OPTIONS

When Bill complained of severe stomach pain the doctors removed his gallbladder. They discovered that the blockage was due not to stones but to cancer that had clogged the duct‐and invaded his liver. They decided to move him directly from the recovery room to the hospice unit. Bill’s wife collapsed in tears that did not stop for days. The son who had been distant from his dad for a number of years struggled with guilt. His daughter a nurse was afraid of what lay ahead for her dad. Bill himself had no intention of dying. He insisted moving out of the hospice unit and starting chemotherapy. “I can lick this thing,” he insisted.

Sorrow, guilt, fear of the future, denial- Bill and his family reacted to the news of his condition with very strong emotions, but none of them reacted in the same way. Each of them knew that a terrible loss lay ahead: they began to grieve over what was going to happen. If someone you love is terminally ill, you are also struggling with strong feelings. Your loved one is grieving, too for he or she faces leaving everyone dear behind. Watching a loved one suffer and decline is one of life’s most trying experiences. You wonder how in the world you are going to live through this ordeal‐and how you are going to go on without a person who has been such an important part of your life.

The road that lies ahead of you may be the hardest you have ever traveled. At the same time it offers many opportunities to enrich you life and the time that remains to the person you love.

When something that just “can’t happen” looms on the horizon our instinctive reaction is to refuse to believe it is true. We tell ourselves that doctors make mistakes that surely there’s some miracle cure just around the corner that the god who has always been so good to us will provide a miracle. While we may take some comfort in such thoughts, and we have every reason to seek additional opinions and reasonable treatments, if we end up in complete denial of the situation, that only adds to the suffering. The wiser course is to allow yourself to gently accept reality as it presents itself and gently lead other family members to do the same, including the person who is so seriously ill. At the same time don’t expect everyone to be on the same page. The grief all of you are feeling can give rise to many different emotions. One person may respond with anger‐not really at you, but at the situation. Another may be busily trying to strike a bargain with god while someone else may be paralyzed by depression. Allow people to be where they need to be without criticism.

You will need support for you need to take care of two people‐your loved one and yourself. Ask you faith community and your friends to pray for the strength you will need. No one knows exactly how you feel. But other people have gone through a similar struggle, and they can tell you how they coped. Search for a support group in your area. Organizations concerned with particular diseases (the American cancer society and the alzheimer’s association for example) also offer support to family members. The hospice movement offers tender care for the dying at home or in the hospital and loving support for families. Medical and pastoral personnel and volunteers will do everything possible to keep an ill person comfortable. In addition they will help you understand what to expect and provide necessary opportunities for you to leave the bedside to run errands, keep appointments or just take a break. “We can’t control what may lie ahead or what lies behind but we can live fully in what is now.” Friends want to help but they won’t know what to do unless you tell them. They can’t make the hurt go away, but they can help make life a little easier for you in many ways. Ask them to help with meals, give you a break from the bedside, lend a hand with household chores or just be there to listen or to give you a hug. Wrap yourself in their affection and use their shoulders to cry on when that’s what you need to do. Most of all keep in touch with god. Trust yourself to the most loving arms of all. Speak and pray your fear, your sorrow, even your anger (God can take it).

Even people who love each other clearly inflict hurt on each other, that’s human nature. We take the people close to us so much for granted that we sometimes neglect to treat them as well as we would the most casual acquaintances. Even the happiest relationships know careless moments. Probably neither you nor your loved one can name many of these, although you surely know small ways in which you have bugged each other over the years. Seek an opportunity to admit your human frailty and to express the hope that you have never inflicted serious harm. You needn’t grovel: begin with saying how deep your love has always been and how much you hope the other person has known that even when you didn’t show it very well. Where a serious rift exists now is a good time to try for a bit of healing. Reach out and extend an invitation to visit. The dying person may once have held enormous power to inflict hurt, but that power is ebbing away with his or her life. Just seeing that person become helpless can assuage long‐held bitter feelings. (Trust me on this one I’ve been there.)

Take heart!

You will of course face grief after death comes but using this time well will make it easier. You will have already begun the work that mourning entails. And the loving god who gave you the strength to make it through this final time will still be with your gently guiding you to wholeness and happiness.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

Cremation, Funeral Planner, Grief, Religion, healing Cremation, death, dying, faith, Grief, terminal illness

I was out walking in the woods one chilly April afternoon. For weeks nature had been with holding her gift of warmer sunny spring weather. It seemed as if it had been cloudy forever. And then suddenly rays of sunshine broke through the tree limbs. I smiled and my heart said a prayer of thanks for the unexpected but most welcome gift of warm sunlight.

As I soaked up the rays I was aware of how grateful I was for this sunshine because it had been so scarce. Walking in the filtered sunlight I thought of Flora, Emma, Daisy, Bob, Jane, Charles, Hazel, Eldon, Mandy-all of these people and so many more. As a hospice social worker I was privileged to be with them and their families in the last months of their lives. And I thought of the similarity between my special appreciation of the scare sun this spring and the awareness of the scarcity of time left in my friends’ lives which had brought a special gratefulness, intensity and intimacy to their days. In the midst of the daily activities the physical discomfort, the emotional struggles, there was an overriding awareness of how precious these days were, because they were fleeting.

WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

These families coping with grief were experiencing some of the most difficult yet most special and spiritual times in their lives. As you journey with your loved one through this difficult time, I’d like to share with you some of what these people taught me about living while facing the reality of dying.

ACCEPT THE UNIQUENESS OF THE DYING PROCESS

The adage “we bring to our dying the resources of our living” seems most often to be accurate. We need to respect individuals’ right to complete their lives in ways that are meaningful to them. Not everyone reaches the kind of acceptance about impending death that we may hope he or she will. Knowing this can help us minimize unrealistic expectations. My friend Bess fought cancer for three years. Even when she was so weak she could not open the school door, she taught music to the children she loved until two weeks before her death. It was not easy for those who loved her to watch her struggle, but out of respect for the choice to live as fully as possible until she died, we journeyed beside her as best we knew how.

GIVE THE GIFT OF YOUR PRESENCE

The clearest message from those who are dying is “don’t abandon me!” When there is no cure, the comfort of presence is the best medicine. And it is best administered in regular doses by loved ones. The need for intimacy and people who care often intensifies at this time. Sitting together, holding hands, hugging, laughing, talking, listening-all are gifts of presence that have a healing power which transcends the physical body. These are ways we can be God’s hands and heart in this world. When you listen to your dying loved one, listen with a “third ear”- not only to what is said but to how it is said and to what is not said. Ask gently: “How can I help?” “What’s this like for you?” “What worries you the most?” “Is there anyone you especially want to see?” “Is there any unfinished business you want to take care of?” And remember it’s OK to say, “I don’t’ know what to say.” You don’t have to know all the right things to say-no one does. Reminisce with your loved one about the memories, the cherished values, the accomplishments of other legacies of the person that will continue to live on. This kind of life review is important closure for everyone. “Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.”

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS

Don’t waste time trying to protect one another from the reality that your loved one has a limited life expectancy-you will miss the intimacy and meaningful conversations that can make this time so precious. Ideally family members are able to share their deepest feelings when a loved one is dying. It’s a treasured gift to hear someone say, “thank you,” “I’m sorry,” “I remember….” And “I’ll miss you.” If spoken feelings don’t come easily, consider writing a letter to your loved one expressing your thoughts and feelings. You may need to preface the conversation with “I know this won’t be easy for either of us…” or “You don’t have to respond but please allow me to do this for myself.” Sharing your feelings will leave you with precious memories and fewer regrets, both of which will be important in healing from your grief.

ALLOW OTHERS TO HELP

Most of us take pride in being self reliant. But when serious illness invades your life it’s time to put aside pride and allow others to help. Almost every hospice family I’ve worked with said, “I only wish I had called for help sooner.” If there isn’t a hospice program in your community check on the availability of visiting nurses from the county health department or a home health agency. Your friends or members of you congregation may be willing to prepare meals or provide other practical help. You will be giving them a precious gift by allowing them to reach out to you.

TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF

It’s impossible to care intensely for a person who is seriously ill without needing time away. Get out of the house or the hospital room, at least for short periods of time. Go for a walk, go shopping, get a massage or a haircut- whatever will help renew you. Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member or clergyperson. If you need a shoulder to cry on say so. Tears are god’s release valve for all the pent up feelings of sadness, worry and fear that accompany a terminal illness. Don’t use staying with your loved one 24 hours a day as the measuring stick of your love. Remember you need to love yourself too. You will be able to be more present to your loved one if you are taking care of yourself.

SORT OUT UNHEALTHY BELIEFS

Oftentimes people suffer as much spiritual pain as emotional or physical pain because of their beliefs about how god operates in the world. Some people believe that illness happens because god is punishing them for something they have or have not done. I remember when a young man Gene was dying of a brain tumor. His wife had to endure the additional agony caused by church members who accused her of having enough faith and thus keeping Gene from healing. God does not inflict this kind of suffering on us. When we are facing the tragedy of losing someone we love God suffers with us. Seek guidance from a chaplain or clergy member or spiritual director who can help you sort out misconceptions and beliefs.

MAKE MEMORIES TOGETHER

Be intentional about creating memories. I remember the joy of an Easter egg hunt for grandchildren in the bedroom of their grandfather who was dying. I remember the laughter and fun of day trips to nearby tourist attractions while a friend was still physically able to enjoy them. I remember birthday parties, special visits from faraway relatives and friends, and singing and praying at bedsides. Create memories that will bring you moments of joy now and sustain you later.

OFFER A FINAL GIFT

Sometimes when a person is physically ready to let go of this world the spirit seems to keep him or her here. IF a person senses that a family member is clinging unable to let go, he or she may try to stay alive beyond what seems physically possible. I have witnessed profoundly spiritual moments when a family member is able to say “I will miss you terribly but I love you enough to let you go.” This is the ultimate unselfish parting gift to a loved one.

TAKE HEART

“There is no hope,” people often say when someone is dying. But I believe hope is always with us. Hope is like a kaleidoscope, changing with each new turn. Each hope carries us through that particular moment in the journey then it changes and adapts to a new reality. When we first hear the diagnosis we hope for a treatment that will cure. Later we may hope for a longer life than the doctor is predicting. Beyond this we may hope that the pain can be controlled or that a person can leave the hospital and enjoy the garden at home once again. My mother hoped to see another grandchild born before she died-a hope that was fulfilled. The ultimate hope may be for a peaceful death surrounded by family and friends. My hope for you is that in the midst of this difficult time you will have glimpses of sunshine that will illuminate how precious each moment truly is. May you feel god’s presence with you every step of your journey.

Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.

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