CREMATION & UNDERSTANDING YOUR HANG UPS
Shakespeare said it best. We need to be true to ourselves and know ourselves. Easy to say but it is so hard to achieve!
How can we help others when we do not know ourselves? Death is an interesting subject in our Western society. Socially we are trained not to think about death, talk about death and therefore we have very few skills to cope with death when it does arrive in our lives. Working in the funeral industry we have a bit more of a comfort level around people who are dying or who have passed away than perhaps those in the general population. However that does not mean we have dealt with our own concepts or fears of death. Usually when we are confronted with a death in our own personal lives we still have to face the same social handicaps other non-funeral industry professionals do.
One of the most important things funeral directors can do to relate to a grieving family is to come to grips with their own mortality and concept of death. Why should we come to grips with our own mortality? What might the payoff for our business be? Grieving people tend to know when people are patronizing them or are just “going through the motions.” Many people have written and stated that their funeral home and cremation experience was a disaster because the funeral director just could not relate to what they wanted or what they were experiencing. Others have noted that their funeral director seemed uncomfortable with their loss. This is particularly true with the loss of a child. We communicate to people in many ways, and not just through words. Body language, hand usage while talking, the way we say the words and eye contact are all conveyed while we are interacting with a family.
If you are uncomfortable with a topic, the family will know. If you
cannot communicate with them on their level they will know. They might not tell you buy they will know and next time they may go to your competitor down the street who might relate to them better. Communication with our families can be done on many levels and if you stay “in your head” without due introspection emotionally, people know and tend to withdraw. Introspection is something many of us tend to shy away from in our day-to-day lives. It takes work, time and energy, which are things we do not have in copious quantities. However there is great value in making time to muse over the larger questions of dying and coming to terms with our own concept of mortality.
CONCEPT ONE: LIFE IS PREDICTABLE
Many people often feel that life is very predictable and under their control. Death teaches us that is not true. All that was
thought would continue forever has abruptly stopped with death. All that we thought was structured and defined no longer has meaning. We can no longer answer the question with certainty, “what will happen today?” Death reveals how
mistaken we are in believing in “happily ever after.” When death hits us closely, the loss is difficult to accept. It seems we will weep forever, and that we might never assimilate the loss of our dear one into our previously predictable life. There might be a feeling of denial and/or disbelief. Gradually however we are able to understand and integrate the loss with our feelings of permanence. Death may give us the chance to discover that we cannot always foresee or control events in our lives. It gives us a chance to redefine our belief systems. We may even be forced to look at our own mortality, as well as life beyond or life without the one who died. This can be a lengthy process. We may have to rework and struggle with our old expectations and our patterns of behavior and interaction. Our hopes may change. We may mourn and in that
process learn to know others and ourselves in an entirely new way. Yet the very construction of a new belief system that
includes loss, death and change shows us that there is no permanence to life. Thus death can be a positive thing. Our
lives can become enriched.
People often acknowledge the following benefits of death:
• There is a greater ability to appreciate life
• There is a shift of attention away from trivial or small matters in daily life
• There is a greater focus on what truly matters to each person
• Life itself is not taken for granted
• Each day is precious and enjoyed
• There is less future planning
• More time is spent with loved ones
• Since there is less certainty of the future, time is spent in the here and now
• New things are appreciated and sought out
• Seeing and listening become more active and in the present
CONCEPT TWO: DEATH HAS MEANING
While the above benefits seem to occur after a death there are some strategies for coping with loss that include the
concept that there is meaning in the experience. Those who have a strong religious belief often rely on their faith to get
them through the loss and ensuing difficult times. Faith seems to give solace as well as a helpful explanation of why the
death occurred. Often religiously oriented mourners already have a scheme of life and death that will work for them to
help them get through feelings of hopelessness regarding their loss. They do not need to construct a new belief system.
Their faith often includes a belief in an afterlife as well as the thought that their loved one is in a “better place” or
“heaven.” For other people the belief in an afterlife encompasses the idea that the deceased person lives on in the memories of those who are still living. Some people view the mind and spirit as being identical. Thus mental and spiritual
growth is often lumped together to mean one and the same thing. This may not be valid for you. You may find meaning
in the understanding that you have grown mentally, emotionally or spiritually from your loss. All forms of growth or any
kind of growth at all can give meaning to the loss you have experienced. When we search for meaning in our experience
of loss we dig deep into our hearts and look at what we are learning and how we have grown or can grow in the future
because of the event of death. We may glimpse why we have been separated physically from our loved one. We may find
that we can do things that are meaningful because we are forced to. Thus the death of your loved one becomes a catalyst
for change.
POSSIBLE CONCEPTS FOR MEANING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
We get an opportunity to make behavioral choices that allow us to be active participants in the grieving process and acceptance of cremation services.
1. We can control our responses to our loss and direct our thoughts.
2. We face the reality of death, and the concept that time as we know it does not go on forever.
3. We can learn to stay connected to the one who had died.
4. We learn that those who have died continue to influence the living.
5. Our sense of spirituality can develop if we choose to let it.
6. Predictability and control concepts can be revised to include loss.
7. We can open our mind to new concepts, read new literature, talk to new people. If we have survived the death
of a loved one (a new experience) then we can survive and indeed grow from other new experiences.
8. In time you will develop your own personal meaning for your loss
Remember, Cremation Options is here to help you all day, every day with your funeral and cremation needs. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To contact us, simply call 1-877-989-9090. At any time of day or night, you will be able to speak with one of our trained, sympathetic and understanding representatives.